From Drafts

I sometimes miss being in unrequited love
to text them
to overthink their text
to romanticize every moment
to actually dream about them in technicolor
to feel excited
to check my hair a lil extra before seeing them
to stand in a way your bum looks cute
to talk in a way your lips look irresistible
to obsess about fake breakup
to write about him
to talk about him
to cry about him

Mine

So I am sitting in my room
of my house
working on my laptop
as my music
plays on my speaker
in the background.

Wow. You did good, kid.

Stress about real life tomorrow now. 

if you prepare yourself, you have the ability to be better than everyone else

Too Young To Old

I feel like I am constantly oscillating between two feelings.

One part of my brain tells me this: You're only 28. It's okay if you don't know what you want. Look at all the amazing things you have gotten to do so far. Look at all the kickass people you have gotten to interact with in your journey. Look at what a full life you have lived! Do what you want to do. If not now then when?

You also hear these incredible stories about people who went back to school in their 50s or started a successful business in their 40s. Stories that reiterate that age is just a fucking number. 

But then there is the other part of my brain that can't escape the societal model of living life. That can't escape the conditioning all of us are a part of. It's the same conditioning that tells you to finish 10th grade then 12th grade then college then get a job then get married then have babies and yep, you're wrapped up by 30. You are a full adult. Now live this life, congratulations!

Which brings me to the other part of by brain that says: You spend your 20s working hard and laying the foundation for the rest of your life. Hustle hard at all costs, think about marriage, think about your eggs drying up, about investments, think about where you see yourself in your 50s. If not now then when?

The rest of my life? WOAH! That's a long long time! In our 20s, technically we haven't even lived half our lives yet. And if we think about it, can we really count all the time before say you were a teenager as "living''? So we have, what, like 15 years of being an actual functioning human.

The rest of my life! How can I make decisions right now that impact such a long duration of my life with such a short duration of experience?

And as the world is going these days, who knows how much of the rest of my life is left anyway?

Imposter vs Libra

Diwali is an interesting time. Probably the only time in the year when I feel homesick. But it's so temporary, it's annoying.

It doesn't happen a lot, but I wake up feeling alone these days. Noone to talk to and nothing to talk to even. I wake up really early, so most of my friends are asleep hence not available at the time. And then I decide to smoke some.

Wake And Bake is one of my most favorite rituals of all time. The inimitable silence of the morning with the slight chill in the air goes very well with some generous portions of marijuana. I sometimes can't believe that I am essentially a stoner now. Remember growing up when that was just not an option? You were never going to do "drugs" and then you grew up. And yes, marijuana was "drugs". And now... Oh well.
I don't remember the last time I was in a social situation where noone smoked. It just does not happen anymore. When did we get here?

I truly enjoy getting high tho. It's great. Always fun. Convinient. No hangover. I should have led with the "no hangover", right? Can't believe how many days of my youth I've wasted on hangovers.

Anyway, it doesn't happen a lot, but I wake up feeling alone these days. And then I decide to smoke some. And it feels like I need someone around... Oddly, to take care of me. To ask me questions about what thoughts I've been having, to make my bed for me, to eat breakfast with me, to discuss how great Koffee With Karan is, to really analyze what happened in 2014, to tell me they love me.

It's odd because it's not a consistent feeling. And more importantly, I am actually very loved and understood and supported and rooted for. But every now and then it all seems like a big lie. The imposter syndrome kicks in and there are very few places to go from there.

Interestingly tho, these feelings don't persist through the day. In my vulnerable morning high state, I text a bunch of people. I drop a heyy, make it seem like a casual check in, make plans with them for the day.... And by the time they're up, my feelings passes. By the time they text me, I'm back to not needing anyone. Which brings me to my 'crazy'.

I recently met this girl that I had a great time with and she asked me what my crazy was cz I seem so sorted. And I was like, hm, noone has ever asked me that before. So I asked her what her crazy was and she said her obsession with what people think about her. She told me how earlier she would meet me and on her way just replay the whole meeting to obsess over all the times I may have judged or she came across as stupid. Over time she's become much better and now whenever she spirals, she reminds herself that this is her overthinking and not the reality.

I thought about it briefly and I told her I think my crazy used to be my obsession with men. Or my relationship with them. I never knew what I wanted but I wanted something. I'd be emotionally abusive (and abused) and manipulative for no reason. And there would always be some around. I'd always be either getting into or getting out of some man noise. I'd want them and I'd hate them all at them same time. Over time I realized that my problem wasn't so much that I was in love them. My problem was that it would bother me if they were not in love with me. If I'd see them drifting or moving on, I'd lure them back in and seduce them into loving me more than I needed to be loved and then feel suffocated by it. It was constantly on.

Does that make sense?

After a time, I recognised it and almost cut of all relationships - sexual or otherwise - that aren't adding any value to my life. If anything, are taking away more for me. I think that was an important decision towards the person I am proud to be today - Zen, calm and without so much noise in the head.

It doesn't happen a lot, but I wake up feeling alone these days. And then I smoke some. And by the time my people text me, I'm back to not needing anyone. And I can't help but think if as years went by, I've replaced my need for men to love me more than I need with my need for people to love me more than I need. My days go in seducing them into staying interested and as soon as I have the attention, I want to cancel all plans and parties.

Of course, this could also be some high talk. I scored some kickass stuff for my birthday which was last weekend. And i spent it with some of my favourite faces and my heart was full of pure unadulterated love for them.

Gues this is what being a Libra is about? Agreeing with everything and not with anything all at once.

Wow. Astrology? Yah, must be really good stuff.

I'm out.

Bye.

It was fun vent-writing after so long. Wow.

Instagram Captions

Do I really only write now when I'm feeling sad or do the Instagram captions count for something?

Indians Hate Doctors

I cry each time I speak to my father.
It is not even intentional or voluntary.
It just happens.

It is not even related to the conversation we had on the phone.
It is not even because of anything he may have said.
It just happens.

I hang up and I let tears roll down my face for a gold 30minutes as I just sit there in silence. And then wipe my face and go on with my life, almost without acknowledging that this is a fucked up pattern.

The good thing is that we don't talk often. Or at all really. The conversations are few and far between. So by the time it happens again, I usually find myself having forgotten the pain from the after math of the previous conversation.

The bad thing is that I find it really hard to cry otherwise. So for all intents and purposes this is my only real release. And I am not emotionally ready for a deep dive into my subconscious to figure why I feel what I feel.

But right now, I am not feeling too good.
I am not feeling up to unravel the multiple layers of our relationship.
But I am feeling sad. And helpless. And overwhelmed. And the tears aren't stopping.

At what point do I bring this up with someone? At what point do I need to seriously address it?
At what point does this change?
Does it ever?
Or is it like those headaches you get once in a while if you're out in the heat for too long, you pop a pill and then you forget about it, cz the headache isn't an active part of your life any way.

And Indians hate going to doctors and getting lomg term solutions anyway. So....