Mr. Butterfly.

There's a butterfly in my tummy, it seems
He's being a little crazy
No one knows what's in his head
That crazy little thing
He tells me of some sweet dreams
Dreams that seem better than reality
Dreams woven out of stardust
But I can't go any further I think
As I tiptoe across unknown paths
I can hear some song d'amour
I listen to it carelessly; I also hear a story
I don't know how the story begins
Or how it ends
I may soon be becoming someone else's person
For a season only perhaps 
Or perhaps, for one season too many
Who knows?
I bet Mr.Butterfly does.



I miss you, my beautiful Delhi Winters.  


  

This Winter...

The nights should stand still.

I like this feeling of being inarticulate. Words don't communicate too much, anyway. They are just there... incomplete. You know?
I also like arms. Just being wrapped around them. It's prettier in my head than it is in words. You know? Since, words don't communicate much, anyway? In strong arms. It sometimes doesn't even matter to whom the arms belong to sometimes. Yea.. it's probably slutty that way. But wrapped cozy, the sighs almost hurt. They burn.
I like 'tomorrow' and the fact that I seemingly know absolutely nothing about it.
If I think about it... like, really think-
If I were a dream, I would probably be made of silk.
Again, it's prettier in my head than it is in words.
You know? Since, words don't communicate much, anyway?
If I were a dream, I would dare you to dream me, you little stranger.
We should stay close...
Forget the world.
Lie next to each other till the end of time.
Blame our bodies for everything, even though it's the breath that gets most action.
Let's be soulmates.
Only for this winter...

Of course, the nights should stand still.

You smell like sweet red plums and grilled chesse sandwiches.

I like how the sense of smell was/is a running theme for us since forever.

"I like it when I smell of you."
"I hate it that you don't smell of me anymore."
"Remember how you used to like smelling of me?"
"You know when you hug me like that, I smell your hair."


We have said this and so much more to each other so many times.
Things have changed. You have changed. I know I have too.
But still,
you smell like sweet red plums and grilled cheese sandwich.


Remember how 'The Wedding Planner' was our movie because we tripped so much on this dialogue?

It's 'Lohri' today.
It was 'Lohri' that day.
It's funny how not much has changed; except that I was rather pleased with myself today, anyway.

The winters are getting less chilly now. It was easily 19 degrees today! :P

We should hug a lot more often.
Leaves me smiling for a very very very long time :) :) :)

So take a moment- coz it feels so good.

'Being Alone' had never really been one of my 'things'. I never enjoyed being by myself. I was always awkward by myself, especially if it's out in the public.

I could never see myself as being that peaceful looking woman I saw sipping coffee at Costa by herself with only a book as company; or the one who steps out of a mall accompanied only by some big shopping bags and no person. There have been times when I have had to be reminded about food on my table because I was so dumbstruck by the woman who was eating lunch by herself at the adjacent one. For me, even the distance from my house to the nearest Department Store (which is about 2mins walking) had to be covered with someone on the phone.

Could never do it, until very recently. I discovered this whole new dimension to being on my own. It's liberating, the feeling. Now, I like to take days off from other people to be with me and me alone. When you know a little over one million people and are (as I was called recently and I loved the tag) 'A non-gilded butterfly', the time off is a necessity 

Today was one of those days.

I watched Guzarish today in the morning- Beautiful- That would be understating it. I cry in movies, I feel too much while I watch them. I remember there was a time when my parents were purely anxious of letting me watch any sad cinema because I would, apparently, spend more days than one pondering over that film. Needlessly to say, I cried in this one too. But a LOT. Each frame induced in me so many emotions, and no, they weren't only that of pain but also of hope and happiness, strangely. The movie was watched via my pink but tear-stained spectacles. A.Must.Watch.It.Is.

Next I took an auto to destination two. I sat inside the vehicle like a zombie..still shedding a few tear drops here and there. 

Lame? Tell me about it.

So the auto guy shook me almost literally and dropped me off at the Taj Palace, Delhi.Yeah. I can be quite the pricey little bitch every now and then. So after elaborate fancy checking I entered. You can't go to a five star and come back without spending some quality time in the 'Ladies Room'. I did too, only to thank my stars. Turns out all the crying I had indulged in had left major signs on my face. New kajal came to rescue and I dolled self up a little bit. Next stop? Kafe Fontana,Taj :D

They asked me if I wanted to have the lunch buffet. I made very grown up faces as if contemplating the idea and then politely smiled and refused. It comes with a sweet price tag of Rs,!700 + taxes. A little too out of league. So I ordered Chicken Shawarma and some Tea. I am usually more adventurous with my drinks but my beautiful winter afternoon ( And It Had Also Rained :) :) :) :) ) demanded a little warmth for my throat. The food was nice and the Chai was exceptionally soothing. I kept picturing myself in the head- I must be looking like this rather confident person sipping her tea as she enjoys the window view and smiles thinking of happy things. So sorted. So peaceful. So grown up. The truth was that the picture I was painting in my head was not far from reality. I was feeling rather good about myself at the moment. The very very very polite staff made my day even more. All the investment in the Hospitality Industry, I think, is worthwhile.
All this @ Rs. 840/-
A little steep, yes.
Money well spent, yes.

I am also going to write a little bit about what I was wearing. Clearly, I am a little too pleased with myself, still.
I was wearing a very pretty white cardigan which is a very big deal because I am a compulsive black clothes wearer. With that, I wore a rather tiny dark brown skirt teames with black stockings. Skirts are my new love for some reason, all over again. I want to wear them for the rest of my life now. Stockings because there is no better way to not feel bad about not waxing in winters. Since I feel naked without black on me, I took a black stole along. With a cute bag and chappals to match, I was ready to go. I am turning wayyyy to much of a girl for my liking, suddenly. Sigh.

Still in high spirits, before getting home I stopped at my favourite salon and got myself a long overdue trim. I walked home in the soft drizzle.

Rains and winters- together or separately- there's no getting over them. Not yet, anyway :)

"She steals my clothes to wear to work I know - her hairs are on my shirts"

If only I had ten bucks for every time I was asked 'Do you ever miss being in a relationship?', I would easily be a very very very rich individual by now. That way it would be a lot less annoying answering the damn question.

I don't understand the fixation, really. I understand how it may have been over a year since I the last time someONE was 'officially' my boyfriend but I haven't really been a state of drought post it, you know? I've dated, yes. I have been with people, yes. I have been happy, yes. I have been receiver of love, attention and all that, yes. I have had my share of 'turning people down', yes. Then why must my decision of remaining ....errr.... not single but..or...okay; let's call it that; my decision of remaining single- why must it be the reason for so much stir?

'Single' is a highly debatable term, really. How can anyone be 'single' ever actually? There would always and I mean ALWAYS some sort of emotional or physical (or both) inkling or attachment to atleast one person at a given point o time. So then are you really single single? I don't know what to call it. Somehow, the 'it's complicated' tag is too cliche to figure in my books. A full blown Relationship is a big deal and I see no reason that justifies anyone's questioning anyone else's need or choice of taking a sabbatical from it. So when my attempts of sounding polite while making my point seem potential failures, I let my trump card out; 'What is it that you have when you're 'with someone' and didn't when you weren't?' The general answer to the same : 'It's nice to know that your presence in someone's life makes them happy. I get to have sexual intercourse. And it's a happy feeling mostly.' 

Am I missing something? I know people who are glad that I am part of their lives. I have lots of sex. I am sufficiently happy too. So where's the catch? Nowhere, really. I have had my share of 'relationships' for now and I have had my share of the drama and excitement and the hurt it brings along with it. I have had some very nice men in my life all these years and some very nice ones still; why must I have to 'be in a relationship' to enjoy their company and more? I have always cracked up at this quote I had read by Janis Joplin a while ago, 'Oh Lord, won't you send me someone nice to flirt with? Someone really cute who I won't get hurt with?'

But, like, right now. It's such a nice weather; winters! I truly genuinely believe that all the romance of any kind we have been fed over these years across books, movies and all that has been inspired by this very weather. Rain eroticism came much later, I believe. I smell beautiful in winters all the time; it's unreal how I do but it's true- All The Fucking Time! My hair decides to behave especially well during this time. Also, I have bought some beautiful clothes and beautiful-er lingerie this season which, almost automatically, paves the way for some very passionate action.

We hooked up this Saturday. Ross and I. Amidst all the cooking, laughter, conversation, sex, leg pulling, plans and secret sharing, there is one thing I know for sure now- I need a boyfriend only so that I can wear his shirt over my tiny shorts and jump all around his apartment. There is nothing more cheering and satisfying; Nothing else that brings real joy to the heart.

This is the only time I am going to say this ever, but...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I am almost waiting for the summer, this time. I am going to wear his shirt over my tiny shorts and feel happy from the inside all the time. It's gratifying, this feeling of being wrapped around by someone you have a twisted-ly awesome past, twisted-ly pleasing present and a very twisted-ly questionable future. :P 

The title is a line from 'City Love' by John Mayer. I thought it fit rather well, this idea of stealing your guy's clothes. The fact that it's also a beautiful song makes it even cooler.

I'll just end up walkin' In the cold November rain

It is unreal how much a simple and short walk in the winters can do for you. Okay, make that a stoned and long walk. As has been stated over and over previously on many a occasions, I love winters and everything about it, including these long random walks I take sans any reason. Helps you gain a perspective, about nothing in particular. That's the beauty of it.

What happened last night, I have vague memories about. My best friend A's parents very bravely decided to go out of town for a wedding. I have always failed to understand the willingness and resources that people possess to attend weddings. Where do they get so much energy from? Regardless, we had an empty house! No crazy open-to-all house party happened and that made me very happy. Here's the thing about such parties; you end up having faded memories of no relevance or consequence with people who hold no relevance or consequence in your life. Hence, in a closed 'event' of sorts, it was just us. Us, painting nails and talking about love, life and all that over glasses of rum,vodka and whiskey. I love when conversations just flow between people effortlessly. The occasional joint and the innocent smokes just added to the ambiance as music played in the background. In the end, as tradition has guided us over the years, we watched 'Mean Girls' and dozed off.A very good night it was.

So friend, A had a very important Law Conference today morning at 9am which was mandatory for her to attend. Why we planned one of our high escapades the night before, is beyond me. With great powers comes great responsibilities; the power of the empty house brought with it the responsibility of getting up on time, cleaning and disposing off all the unwanted elements A's parents won't be too pleased to see and then leave the house, courtesy the damn Conference.Hungover, we managed to get out.
I reached close to my house, I realized that going home in the condition I was in wouldn't have been the wisest choice. So I decided to catch a movie.

Ya. So half asleep and half drunk, I bought myself a ticket and sat for Golmal-3. No. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. Almost funny. After that, I bought myself a ticket for Due Date. EPIC!! It was hilarious. After that, I thought I might as well see The Social Network and get it over with, already.
Yes. I tend to get carried away more than I should.
So after my rather satisfying movie marathon experience, I headed home.

The winter chill hit me then, the first of this year.

I noticed how it had rained. I almost felt cheated as I had missed it. Nevertheless, I deserved 'my' time. Since the last month, maybe, I have been socializing like mad! Rather, I have had to socialize like mad! It may sound like a very vain thing to say but it's true; it is a pain in the ass to know too many people  and the pain reaches another level of most of the five million people you know don't hate you. Ever heard anything weirder? I, sometimes, almost want to be hated a little... Not hated, just not fussed over, maybe.
Anyway, I decided to light up one of the left joints and take a walk.
And then I walked.
I walked across blocks, roads, puddles, houses.....
Thought about the world. Thought less, pondered more. I think,
Out of the eight thousand and fifty seven things that crossed that little mind of mine, two have managed to stay there still:

1. I am a leeetle toooo indecisive, Indecisive to the extent of being annoying and highly irrational. Must learn to focus, maybe.
2. T does not have any black tops/t-shirts. This is not normal! Especially when you are best friends with yours truly Obsessive Compulsive Black Clothes Wearer.

Cheers to the 'November Rain'.. Here's to many more to come :)

Holding you close, chasing the moon...

It was Lohri, January, 2006.

Like every year, everyone who was going through a very bad patch courtesy nothing in particular had masked all anxiety to participate in the community celebration. I am usually a happy person, who isn't? That time, I wasn't. Sadly so.

There I was, smiling lamely at the fifty thousand people I didn't give a shit about. I remember being dressed up to lift my mood.
I didn't feel alone, just very lonely.

I didn't feel ugly, just not beautiful.

I wanted to cry. Actually, I think I wanted to kill the entire race around me, I'm not sure. It was such a long time ago.

Through the corner of my eye, I could see him looking at me. Clearly, my attempts of feigning the fun i was not having, failed. It grew more and more awkward, since we hadn't spoken since we quit being 'us' and became 'him and me'. It was strange because the last time I had been this sad was because of him. Funny, how every time something screws up, you think it's the worse you will ever have to face, until something crappier comes along! Anyway, newer elements were making my life a living hell, back then.

He text me; "See me behind *R's* house in two."

Ah. The commanding. 

The assumption of the right he had over me, still.

The fact that he did.

I went.

He was there.

I walked up to him. Shivering. The cold had very little to do with it.

He looked at me. Didn't smile. Didn't speak.

The tension grew stronger.

He did it then. He hugged me. Held me for many many many seconds. I was breathing into him. I cried a little bit too. He just kept holding me; really tight. 

There wasn't any romantic inkling, really. However, the loud, crass Punjabi Lohri music in the background started sounding like jazz.

After an entire two minutes, he let go.

We walked back to join the celebration again. We didn't talk, almost as if to induce drama. We didn't talk all night.

Later, i left him a message saying "Thank You", hoping that he won't be a jerk and ask me what for.

He didn't.

I will always be indebted to him.

Over the years, we have been kindred spirits, for real.

And then, last night he told me 'I just love the way you hug me'. I gushed so much I could cry just thinking about it. I almost wanted to say it back with so much more passion.

I didn't.

We know what we have. Almost clearly. Mostly, anyway.

Holding someone tight, if you ask me, is the most underrated action in the universe.

Hollow Musings by Nobody.

It's around 8pm, usually, that I feel like running away. Running away from people, things, places and feelings. Something about that particular time zone that makes me like that, I guess. But it's not each day.
Yesterday I didn't.
Today I did.
Maybe I should start jogging for a bit.


'Why don't you talk to your dad?'
I have been asked that a lot. In more occasions than one; in more tones than one. Sometimes it's hard to keep up the pretence of being calm. Sadly, it isn't the not talking to him that kills but the fact that the reason for the silence is unknown. I'm sure it wasn't an overnight thing, only because these things can't happen overnight. Someday I shall find out. I'm not sure if i want to though.
Someday I shall hug him too. Also, my brother. Maybe.


I am not a really a 'sleeper'. Hence, for the longest time, my incentive to sleep was that I might get to dream a little dream. Even though there are one million and one 'scientific' interpretations of dreams and their patterns and theirs occurrences, I have always been a believer of the fact that you create when you dream. A different world, filled with familiar people and places. It's like a power, not every one is capable of. Creation is an underrated virtue However, I found myself losing this power, of late. I had been falling into the sack sleeping dreamlessly for nights together. Until three nights back, when I had a dream. Finally.
It was completely unrelated and contained many loose ends. But the fact that I had dreamt of pretty people and pretty things and pretty places and pretty situations in techno colour, sepia and black and white made it worthwhile. It's recreational, This creating.
I like people who dare to dream. If only there were more of them now. sigh.


He-man is back in town. :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
The only boy on the face of the planet who has never, not even temporarily, gone off my 'People I love' list. From being two strangers who ended up talking through the middle of the night till wee hours of the early morning the first time they spoke to being at a place where we are today, it's all been so unbelievably smooth.
Here's to our secrets, life plans, meetings, hideouts, respective better halves, laughter, tears, break up, phone calls, coffee and the years that have witnessed it all and so much more. He makes me happy. All the time. I love you. Always have, always will :')


Here's the thing about irritating things; the more you fight them the more they get onto you. Yes. It has happened. After months of judging people who were sick courtesy the 'Beiber Fever', it has happened. I cannot get that girl of a man's voice out of my head, crooning 'BABBY BABBY BABBY OHHHH...'
Guilty as charged, I am truly ashamed!


Also, Eminem is back :D And my heart beats for him just as much as it did back int he 6th grade. He's a lyrical genius, has always been. I have received a lot of flack for this particular crush, yes; but he's the first man who ever dared me to get a little perception. I remember how, back in the day, my friend and I felt like 'little bad girls' when we would learn up his songs like the back of our hands. How we refused to call him 'Eminem'  and let our loyalties be with 'Marshall Mathers'. All this, while we made wedding cards of our marriage in Missouri, designed with hearts that had an arrow sticking through it.  Ah. Good times.
He is a poet. I'm standing by that. None can do.


This post is an uninspired piece of garbage, yes.
Unrelated musings put together. But that's how much my mind has gone over in the past 12minutes of writing this.
Also, here's the deal about having a personal space in the cyberspace, you can get away with throwing garbage...

But my breath fogged up the glass And so i drew a new face and laughed..

It was a regular Sunday evening and i was sitting around the house doing nothing when it started to pour. Ah. The rains. There's something about them that makes me feel things that i have been almost completely oblivious to, consciously and otherwise. From emotions of love to hatred to agony to lust to greed to arrogance..the rains get me all these and so much more.

Even as a kid, nothing fascinated me more than the rains. I would run out of the house at the slightest of pours to be a part of, what i liked to call, a celebration of sorts. Nothing else came even remotely close to being as freeing. It was at that moment when i felt like i belonged somewhere. When i felt like i owned someplace. When i feared no one, not even those ugly dogs who would bully the fuck out of me on other days. It's been THAT empowering!
Growing up, rains graduated from being about dancing in my animated underpants and became about walking in the rain, hand in hand with that boy who had enough of me to break my heart. It's in the rains that i have discovered levels of intimacy and closeness that no amounts of physical contact can induce. It's sexual. The kind that leaves you craving more. The kind that connects at more levels than one.
Every smoke ring i manage, while the waters pour in the background with ever so much conceit, seems to be saying something. Its influence and power is unbelievable.

Or is it just me? Could be. I genuinely believe that it's the only thing that almost brings about the little spiritual side that i have. It's harsh yet so calming. It washes one and all with every pour.
It's quiet after it rains. It becomes like it's my own place; Own yet shared. It's a beautiful feeling. More than i can ever put to words.No bustling of the humdrum life; purity, sanctity, chastity and vigour.
Blissful. Peaceful.

Charlie Chaplin once famously said, ""I Love to walk in rain because no body can see me crying then". Irony, much? So much for being one of the funniest men in the history of entertainment. Am no unfortunate person, on the wrong side of fifty, whose life didn't work out. And no. There's hardly any reason for me to be thinking this way. However, sadly enough, I do find a nice ring to it...

<3 Rains <3