Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts

Monday, December 17, 2012

Let's Do It.

Let's do it? 
Let's do it. 
Why? What's so funny?
It's nothing you've not seen before. It's nothing we haven't done before. 
Then why can't we do it right now because I want to? 
Why does it have to be such a secret?
Oh of course
We can only do it when the lights are out, when the neighbours are quiet, when the dog is fucking asleep! 
I am your dirty little secret 
I could tarnish that little 'perfect boyfriend' image you have going on for you
No going 'I'll take you to the candy shop' on my ass, huh? Doesn't work for you? No?
Only going at it under the garb of alcohol mostly? That's your move? Yes?
It's not particularly fun being a mistress; but I guess that's not the point.
Not that I know what the point it.



Sunday, December 4, 2011

Black.

A memory.

Face to face after years. Seven years to be exact.
I was dolled up in my being just as much as you were coupled in yours.
Exchanged greetings.
Ooh-ed and Aah-ed about how long it had been.
The father was present. He wasn't getting onto my last nerves, either.
Looking back, perhaps it was because you took over that spot for that moment.
Mum was inviting you and your  family over; your family of about two years?
Maybe it was just me, but I couldn't stand straight without feeling those ugly eyes on me.
No one knew what transpired in that room that morning.
No one knew about the possible murder of the person I could have been.
No one will ever know.
No one but us; you and I.
And we were not at the liberty to tell.

I call it Black.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Inanimate.

The paths, why walk them?
The beings, why meet them?
Changed direction, dissimilar inclination
Doesn't halt, does not sojourn.
Why walk? Why meet?
Why keep going on?

The vagabond, the tramp
Galavants about
Carries all the sickness of life
Wins some, loses some
loses more, wins more
Happiness pricking like a knife


Every crossroad;
A new face, a new story told
Every crossroad; 
A new melancholy also sold
The impatient.
The insecure.


Chaos, Uncertainty and a Hurricane of a way
Silence, Muteness on a Path sans any say
The wife.
The whore.
The impatient.
The insecure.


The name; comes and goes in waves
Reaches the shore, ends up a knave
The misadventure.

The failure.
The wife.
The whore.

The impatient.
The insecure...

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Survival.

I got inked today :)

I still maintain that the most negative aspect of getting a permanent tattoo is, ironically, it's permanence. One can't hate or love anything or anyone forever. 'Forever' is intimidating.

Anyway,
Tattoo-making hurts like hell, yes.
But it makes you realize how pain is serene.

Like they say, "pain is temporary, pride is forever"

I don't know about the 'pride' bit yet, but the pain is going away.
The pain from today and that day.

Still gives me the chill though.
But I'll live :)

Friday, January 14, 2011

Day 06 - A letter to someone who has hurt you.

Hmm.
I don't do those anymore.They're so much more painful than what you feel when you're actually hurting.
Nevertheless, I think I would just like to say that I tried to think of a pretty and poetic way to say 'fuck you'; but I couldn't. 
So, Fuck You!

That'd be all.
Thank You!

P.S- I think the fact that you should burn in hell is a given, so I don't need to mention it here.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

And miles to go before I sleep


"Happy New Year!"- A bit harsh, don't you think?
How can anyone possibly hope/wish that the coming 365 days of anyone's life be "happy". Sure it's going to have the "happy" but also the 'sad' with so much more. Let's just say, "Survive The Year", shall we?

Yes! I seem to be at my cynical best and an absolute joy to be around!
No! The 'slap' hasn't stopped haunting me just yet.
Yes! I have come with ways of getting over it.
No! They don't seem to be making much sense to anyone but me.

I genuinely believe that a haircut will make me happy! I don't understand how no one else gets it!

Coco Chanel once said, "A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life". It's not like the quote is the reason for the decision but it totally goes on to justify it. It's comforting and consoling. More so, when the hand that hit you really hard liked to play with the ends of the hair every now and then. I am getting them really short. If I get up before noon tomorrow, then tomorrow morning.

Next, I am getting a tattoo. Probably next month. Forearm or Ankle?

I have never really been a 'tattoo person', per se, but this is something I need to do. It's disgusting to live with the knowledge that the maximum physical pain I have ever felt is courtesy a non entity. Hence, the tattoo. I am getting high and going for it the next time I have enough cash.
It's going to be a star(or two) and with that, I want inscribed, "miles to go". 
The almost two decades of my existence have seen growing evidence of my fascination with the stars. It may sound really bookish but I want star(s) on my body because it's going to be like my little piece of sky, however small. I love stars. They shine, are far off, move, tell tales, pretty, the works!
The "miles to go" is part of the famous quote "And miles to go before I sleep..". It's an excerpt from "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost. I remember reading this and "The Road Not Taken" (by the same poet) back in the fifth grade, for the first time. Over the years I have read them over and over and no piece of poetry has garnered as much appreciation, attention and love from me. They make perfect sense. Even with the growing years and changing perspectives, they always make perfect sense.

There was an entire phase with "The Brook" by Alfred Tennyson and what has stayed with me still is the part that goes "for men may come and men may go, but I go on forever". This was a serious consideration with respect to having it on my body. However, couldn't overlook the dripping sexual connotations to it and also what it might look like to anyone who isn't aware of the poem.

So ya. That's that.

New Year's Eve was a hell of a crazy night, like always! Alcohol and high heels do not go! I woke up with the growing knowledge of a lot of body parts to whose existence I was oblivious, until they started hurting like fuck, the next morning. My Internal Exams start from the 4th of this month and I am as prepared to take them as I was the first day of the session. I don't know why I must bother about them, anyway! I see doomsday ahead.

The year gone by had it's share of good and mad.
It's 2011 now;
New Year,
New Beginnings,
Surviving...
Same Old Shit!
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I want to mention JAYA in this post 
  • because he is awesome and I love him
  • "I know (s)he's kind of socially retarded and weird, but (s)he's my friend...so, just promise me you wont make fun of him(her)!" - Mean Girls
  • because he think he looks very cool in his newly grown beard.. which he does.. *coughs*
  • because I think he needs to know that I have been trying to paint a kickass t-shirt for him since his birthday and have ruined two perfectly normal plain t-shirts, in the process.
  • because he must take me around in his car more often
  • because I must try and study now
P.S- My profile picture of the blog is a picture clicked by him and I am using it without permission. But I will cook for him and that will make him very very happy, yes? yes.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

All the things I know right now, If I only knew back then

The swelling is gone.
The pain remains. The bone right under the eye? That's the spot!

It's hard to function through the day without flashes of yesterday.
My phone's been off for most of it to avoid the calls.
I am dazed, still.
This shall pass.
It has to.

I put makeup today. I do it every time I need a 'pick me up'. Did NOT work.
Still dazed.
I haven't smiled in a while.

Shit! I just realized I haven't eaten anything! ...
...Ate. Not working.
Still dazed.

I think I will get back on Facebook. I breed on exaggerated, however fake, attention.
If people are going to hit me around anyway, I might as well enjoy my share of cheap thrills.
Yes. I am very very lame like that!
And very very pained right now.

It's embarrassing to talk about.
It's too hard to let out.
I am the strong one! Why the fuck is this so hard, man?!!!

It's crazy.
Next post is not going to be about this.
Next thought is not going to be about this.
No, I am not cutting my hair over this.
No, I am not going to 'drown my sorrows' in drinking ( I hate that phrase anyway!)

With a clear head, minus intoxications of any kind, I am getting over this.
Hell! I am over it.

I am back on Facebook.
That's a start?
Yes? No? No?
Okay :|

At least it doesn't show anymore;
doesn't show in the ugly shades of purple.

Monday, December 27, 2010


He hit me today.


Mistakes are not experiences; they're failures.

I have failed.

I took a very long bath. Bathed less, cried more.
I made something up to tell Ma. 
I contemplated cutting my hair really short; it's hard to face self in the mirror; face the failure.
I think I will get a tattoo to outdo the 'pain', per se.
My friends tell me they'll fuck his happiness;
somehow that makes nothing better. It's all so hollow.

I don't need to be told he's a bastard.
I don't need to be told it's okay and I shouldn't waste any tears on him.
I don't need to offered a new perspective.
Not even for a second. It's almost like I want to be hit again to let it all out.
To do it right this time.
To get back at him.
One last dance with Mary Jane. One more time to kill the pain. 
Only, I don't think I will be able to kill it. That't the saddest part.

No. That's not the saddest part.

The saddest part is that it's going to stay forever;
not the swelling, not the pain;
the memory.

From Drafts

I sometimes miss being in unrequited love to text them to overthink their text to romanticize every moment to actually dream about them...