Sixth Deadly Sin : Envy

The feeling of being a bad person is pissing off.

One has this weird feeling in the tummy and also in the chest that proves to be this constant reminder of the fact that being jealous is wrong. I read this thing by Dante a while ago and it said that envy is the desire to deprive other men of theirs. As harshly as that may have been put, it is not completely wrong. I am resentful right now.

But, in my defense, I am resentful but rightly so.

I am not resentful without reason; I never am. However, I think I should be a little bummed when I see someone else get something that is truly mine in the first place. No, that didn't come out right. I am a very liberal individual usually but this sudden burst of my insecure streak is rather new; even for me. I like my importance in other people's life and it's not like it hurts when I see that shaken. It pisses me off.

I remember this time when the-person-in-question's best friend told me how the-person-in-question's 'circle', as it were, has never been consistent. I totally laughed it off back then, saying 'you've been friends since forever now!'; to which he replied, 'hmm. okay then.' I can't believe it's affecting me this much. I don't mean to be dramatic at all but I can't stop feeling what I am feeling. Blah! So pointless.

The person isn't even that important. Really. And for once, I am not JUST saying it. I just like my attention and people adoring me. It just seems slightly unfair if your position is shaken just like that. Whatever happened to all the obsessing over me a while back? 

You know what's worse?

My replacement is soo much like me! She's the same damn thing doing the same damn things!

The messages, the lingo, the Facebook status tags, the works; only soo much less cooler.

I am such a piece of work man and I am getting way too lame for my liking!

Yes, I thrive on attention! From people that matter and those who don't.

I need to make more conversations with people. Like REAL conversations. I love long conversations. Even the most nonsensical ones subsequently makeperfect sense by the end of it. I think too much socializing is coming in the way of mental peace and sanity. Oh! But there's the catch : I am way too insecure and will never stop meeting one million and one people in my fear of losing the 'social butterfly' tag.

Arrrgghhhh!!!! You know how I should feel happy when people tell me I am not shallow? I don't. 

I don't because in my heart I know that even though I am not shallow, I am super hollow.

I think that's worse.

Hating.Self.Right.Now.
A.Lot.