Tuesday, December 7, 2010


I don't have as many friends! I don't! Maybe slightly more in number than what YOU do, but that's not a lot. Regardless, I know who my friends and that makes me quite content with my life. I am a 'social' person; whatever that means, but that's that. I do not see why I must be apologetic about it. This has been a point of concern of not only YOU but also of most of my friends. I fail to understand how it's a fault.

Last night YOU chose to make an appearance in my life after over two months now, only to scream at me for no apparent reason. I can't believe I took it, it's very unlike me. So I'm not pissed that you assumed this authority over me that you really don't possess, but I'm pissed that I was bothered even though I can't place you in anything else but a big bubble of in-consequentiality.

'You have too many friends and that makes you a cunning person; you are cold-hearted; you don't respect me or my love for you; you are not a real person but a projection that people seem to like'- these seemed to be the general areas of your anger/frustration.
Your explanation to having taken so much time in saying such beautiful things to me was that you were intimidated and were gathering courage to say it to my face! Really now. I am not that cool! Maybe intimidating is one of my 'things', strangely so.

I need constant validation from people and approval from the people who matter. The fact that I end up doing exactly what I want in the end is a different story, but I am very anxious about some opinions.
Does that make me a bad person? I don't know.
Does that make me emotionally unavailable and disrespectful of love? I don't think so.
I don't know where the fault lies, really. I don't want to waste any time of my life finding out.

Facebook has always been very important to me. As lame as it may sound, it's true. There's no helping that and there's no explainable logic to it. I am addicted and it's just as hard to quit as smoking is.
After a very long time, I did something to prove a point to someone else but me; I am off Facebook.

I can see how most people will not/do not think of it as a big step but for me it is. It is huge and extremely life defining. Hell, I had to smoke slightly more than the usual the second I deactivated my account. :P Habbits are hard to kick, especially the bad ones.

Will I be lying if I said that YOUR call had nothing to do with it?
Will I be lying if I said that YOUR call was the only reason to do it?
Will I be lying if I said that I don't miss Facebook already?

Maybe it is time for a change.
Maybe it is time to give up one of the addictions.
Maybe one day I will give up smoking.
Maybe one day I will give up thinking about him.
Maybe one day I will hug my dad like I mean it.
Maybe one day sex will become more than just sex, again.
Maybe one day I will give up my phone too.
Maybe one day the world will be okay about me having more then one person I like to call my best friend.

It's true;
I have many friends.
I have the friends I want and there's no changing that.
Not yet, anyway.

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