Tuesday, December 28, 2010

All the things I know right now, If I only knew back then

The swelling is gone.
The pain remains. The bone right under the eye? That's the spot!

It's hard to function through the day without flashes of yesterday.
My phone's been off for most of it to avoid the calls.
I am dazed, still.
This shall pass.
It has to.

I put makeup today. I do it every time I need a 'pick me up'. Did NOT work.
Still dazed.
I haven't smiled in a while.

Shit! I just realized I haven't eaten anything! ...
...Ate. Not working.
Still dazed.

I think I will get back on Facebook. I breed on exaggerated, however fake, attention.
If people are going to hit me around anyway, I might as well enjoy my share of cheap thrills.
Yes. I am very very lame like that!
And very very pained right now.

It's embarrassing to talk about.
It's too hard to let out.
I am the strong one! Why the fuck is this so hard, man?!!!

It's crazy.
Next post is not going to be about this.
Next thought is not going to be about this.
No, I am not cutting my hair over this.
No, I am not going to 'drown my sorrows' in drinking ( I hate that phrase anyway!)

With a clear head, minus intoxications of any kind, I am getting over this.
Hell! I am over it.

I am back on Facebook.
That's a start?
Yes? No? No?
Okay :|

At least it doesn't show anymore;
doesn't show in the ugly shades of purple.

Monday, December 27, 2010

He hit me today.

Mistakes are not experiences; they're failures.

I have failed.

I took a very long bath. Bathed less, cried more.
I made something up to tell Ma. 
I contemplated cutting my hair really short; it's hard to face self in the mirror; face the failure.
I think I will get a tattoo to outdo the 'pain', per se.
My friends tell me they'll fuck his happiness;
somehow that makes nothing better. It's all so hollow.

I don't need to be told he's a bastard.
I don't need to be told it's okay and I shouldn't waste any tears on him.
I don't need to offered a new perspective.
Not even for a second. It's almost like I want to be hit again to let it all out.
To do it right this time.
To get back at him.
One last dance with Mary Jane. One more time to kill the pain. 
Only, I don't think I will be able to kill it. That't the saddest part.

No. That's not the saddest part.

The saddest part is that it's going to stay forever;
not the swelling, not the pain;
the memory.

Ageless. Priceless.

"It sucks! 
You're too old for your age! 
WHY WON'T YOU ACT YOUR AGE???! aarrgghhh"

"Hariyali!! WHY WON'T YOU ACT YOURS???!!"

-Makes me feel new levels of cool each day. Don't go...  
P.S- I am NOT old for my age!!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010


Because it's embarrassing to tell you not to go because I will miss you
Because I get more than elated when you tell me that you hate to see me go.
Because one of my favourite things to do in life is to sit with you in the car and talk.
Because I never mean to freak you out.
Because I like hugging you a lot.
Because I come in the 'group' things only because I know you'll be dropping me back.
Because my life's greatest fear is that I might drunk-call you someday.
Because my life's greatest tragedy is that I intimidate you.
Because each time you don't call/text/reply, I go into my bubble of self doubt.
Because I like to look at you when you drive.
Because you said my lips are nice, today.
Because I don't get how I make you feel heavy inside.

Because I hope and wish that you'll text tonight.

Because I am not having coffee/chocolate or any of its forms for a month now.

Because you matter.
A lot.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Because there is a reason I don't believe in the apparent Almighty!

There is no God!
It's true.
Never was, never will be.

So I look rather nice in winters, thank you very much. On most days, anyway. My hair behaves, my kajal stays, my 'slimming' clothes and colours do well, my scent is beautiful.. et al. So out of the two and a half months of Delhi winters, I look presentable in at least two, to say the least.
Does Ross meet me everyday? 
But by some twisted humour of God (*rolls eyes*), which is the day that I bump into him? 
What's special about today? 
My unbelievable shabbiness!

So my mum's salwar with the most unflattering kurta teamed with an old friend's older sweatshirt doesn't exactly add up to 'pretty'. I have always been at more than peace with the way I look, even on my unabashedly ugly days. But not with himmmm!!! Our entire relationship at the present date is based on nothing but major manipulative power plays. It's sad I know. But amidst all our cute talks, cheesiness, talks, hugs, kisses and more; it's all about maintaining the upper hand!
The looking ugly bit isn't that much of a problem with me, really. Until, he says it.

"Why're you dressed like that today? You looked great in the morning! And that sweatshirt makes you look fat!"
So if there were an award for 'Things You Cannot Say To Anyone Ever', he would've won it.
After a very nice half an hour that we spent, he did it again.

"How much have you been smoking? Your lips have become dark!"
 Kill me now!! Was I on drugs when I was with him?? Like, why would he say these things out loud.?

Anyway, we had a great time, like always!
I hate that I love that bloody bastard, still. How long has it been man? Really now!
I hate that he makes all his crap okay the second after its occurrence with the simplest of things! 
Some cute messages, today :) :)
That Bitch!
*Insert almost-pissed-but-also-blushing emoticon here*

Thursday, December 23, 2010

There are worse things I could do.

It is a sin if you cross the bar without having watched 
  • Grease
  • Dirty Dancing
  • Chicago

My favourit-est songs from these movies. Yes, I have spent my afternoon watching them and more.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I said "Tell me man, when does the fun begin?"

I think Lap Dancing is extremely sexy.
Not sleazy, sexy.

More so, when a guy gives it to you- No, that's a lie. It's rather funny when a guy is giving it to you.
Not sleazy, funny.

It's so cute to see him move his tiny little tush to the mother of 'clean' lap dances' song just for you. After a little more than just a few laughs, there's role reversal and then you do it like it's reallllly done!
Not sleazy, a little slutty perhaps, if you will.
And oh so sexy!

And then other things follow when you seem to be dying several deaths courtesy pleasure and pleasure, alone.  It's appalling to see how he does so many things with so many things including his toes and eyelashes amongst others. Oh! *Good English*!!!
eeeeeeeeeee. It becomes a little hard to contain excitement when the above occurrences might have happened only a little while back.

Dancing makes me very very VERY happy. I have never understood how people 'can't dance'. Something that can impart as much gratification comes naturally; people just don't try enough. It's the most amazing thing in the world, next only to, maybe, a few other things.

'You're a fool whether or not you dance; so you might as well dance' - Japanese Proverb.  

There's a reason Dirty Dancing was called that. It's as mean as it gets; this dance thing.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends.

I just realized I do have a life. And blogging has become a major part of it.
Am I happy about it? Yes? No? Can't say.

Blogging is the new Facebook ( It caused me physical pain in the heart to type that!). I blog before and after I have to go out of the house. 


Goa, 2010.
Best Trip Ever.
There's a story behind the picture; which Trishi and I are remembering for a long time, I think.
Oh Yes, I have a lot of friends and cannot even begin putting up picture with each one of them.

I love This Goa Song, for some reason.
Not so much for the music or feel or anything, but the words; it's ABOUT Goa.

L-R : Trishi, Rits, Di, Me :) 
Camera Shy (read : Picture Taker) Preeto.

If 'Sex and the City' were based in Goa, we're all getting the leads.
Me: Samantha. 

La La La...

What happens when you have a laptop that is all yours and you do not need to share it with anyone?
- You become a Facebook whore!

What happens when you have a laptop that is all yours and you do not need to share it with anyone but you're off Facebook?
- You blog. Many many times, so.

It's just sad. Earlier my 'lack of life' on most days didn't come on the surface as much because the day at home was spent on Facebook. The fact that the Facebook chat sucks and I don't go online there, I really was on it all day for the purposes of voyeurism alone.
 It was through my stalker tendencies that I would think,comment (even if in my head) and feel sadistic satisfaction.
Yes, I am a very lame person.

Now I am a 'full-on-blog-person'- whatever that means! I feel unusually opiniated about most things and out of the lack of having anything else to do, I blog.
Jaya thinks it's cool. What does he know, anyway? Sigh.

You know how the common want of all people you know is great hair? It's true. Everyone wants great hair.
I do too.
I want my hair to look like sex;
not like I-just-had-sex, you know?
YOU *Good English* .You're nice at the things you do. Really Really Nice.

I have no clothes, by the way.
Or shoes.
Or kajal.
Or money.
I am poor.

And bored.



Reading a blog and not commenting is like winking to a really hot guy in the dark.
It's pointless. The hot guy never feels appreciated. Ya. So.
^^ I read a version of this somewhere and made a mental note to put it here. :P

Also, I have never really understood the phenomena of winking, really. There could be so many possible interpretations to it.
The world and its ways.

P.S- Not.Blogging.Tomorrow.For.Sure.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Of Sex Education... or the lack of it!

There's a reason why Sex Education needs to be imparted to people of planet Earth. Really.
I haven't laughed like this since this.
Here's hoping the ask-ers of these queries never decide to procreate.
I am almost ready to pray for the same.

P.S- Not being on Facebook gives one way more time than one might imagine. Sigh. I neeeeeeeeeeeeed my life back. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
P.P.S- The 30 Day Thing bores mee.. Cannot do this everyday. Shall write under it as and when I feel the need to self indulge, self obsess and be answerable about self in any form.
P.P.S- Look how many cool link things I have going on here.

Have a Good Laugh.
Also, it's always a good idea to not have sex queries this weird. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Comfortably Numb?

People cut themselves. Voluntarily. To cause pain.

Growing up, I took most of these people to be nothing more than a bunch of slightly ignored people who slip up and cut near-wrist-areas(mostly) only in their pursuit to gain a little bit of attention every once in a while. We've all been there, it's true. We've all had our 'omg-my-life-sucks-and-pain-is-my-only-company' phase. I know I have had mine. But cutting causes pain- a hell lot of it, at that. Would anyone do it only for attention? I think not.

I was talking to my friend about it. He thought it was very funny;
"'she' doesnt care about 'my' felings, therefore i -will take a blade and very cleverly NOT slit my wrists but see blood and feel 'satisfied'-it's funny!"
Is it, really?

For some it may be a gimmick, agreed. But for most it is a medical condition.
They don't cleverly 'not slit' the wrists. The idea is not to die, it's not. It's to feel pain. Almost fatal pain.
It is less scary, more creepy, I think.
What is creepier is that I know people who are/were into it.

A lot of things hurt.
Hurt like hell.
Hurt like fuck!
It pains when things don't work out the way you want.
Doesn't cutting cause more pain, though?
Is the release of the pain through cutting worth it?
Is self destruction the way to go?

I don't judge, I don't,
I get scared though.
Very very very much so.

Day 02 - The meaning behind your blog name.

Blog Name : POINT BLANK.
What it means? Just that. No more, no less.

Whatever is on the blog is what I have thought of, felt, created and put down. Point blank. I don't know big words, my language isn't particularly stylish; It's for no one else but me, only so that when I am old and alone and cranky, I can look back in time via this damn blog and re-live my years of prime :)

That's that. Point Blank.
Yeah. I am disappointing that way...

Friday, December 17, 2010

Day 01 - A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

The following are 15 facts,yes.
Interesting? I couldn't care less, really.

  1. I have been editing my pictures, lately. I may be complete crap at them but I have never claimed otherwise anyway, so.
  2. I eat a lot. At least, I want to. Ya. I don't have an appetite, apparently. Boo! I like cooking, though.
  3. I can hug people even if I don;t know them enough. Oh wait! I already do. I like to. Hugging and kissing are my 'things'.
  4. I am vertically challenged and I am the only short person I know who is at complete peace with the fact. Really. I think I would just be awkward had I been tall.
  5. I love chicken. And when I say love, I mean it with all my heart and more
  6. Black should be a religion. I wouldn't be an agnostic then.
  7. I need to watch a movie every weekend.
  8. I not only want but I need a hell lot of money for sustaining happiness.
  9. I am not a nature-lover. Gasp all you want, it's true.
  10. I am not into music. Sometimes I want to be, though. I just don't think I get it, you know? Good ol' Bollywood works for me just fine.
  11. I have problems accepting if and when I am wrong.
  12. I think Facebook should be a tangible person. I swear some major love-making would have happened then.
  13. I love smoking. I don't love the fact that I do, though.
  14. I want to dance all my life. If I could've, I would've.
  15. I want to know/study/watch all about Bollywood. It fascinates me beyond limits.
Oh! It's done. It was so much simpler than I thought. Talking about self comes naturally to me. Sigh.
Good Night.

The 30 Day Thing.

 So now that I'm off Facebook (Yes.I mention it a lot, I know), I have been doing things that I didn't do usually. The 30day project being one of them.
The fact that I love the feeling of celebrity-hood and I like to answer questions most of the time, helps.
Here's the deal :

Day 01 - A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 02 - The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends.
Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn't have?
Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 06 - A letter to someone who has hurt you.
Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.
Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why?
Day 09 - Something you’re proud of in the past few days.
Day 10 - Your favorite superhero and why?
Day 11 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 12 - Your favorite season and why.
Day 13 - Your views on drugs, alcohol and religion.
Day 14 - A picture of you and your family.
Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play?
Day 16 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why?
Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals you have?
Day 19 - Your earliest memory.
Day 20 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future?
Day 21 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else?
Day 23 - Something you crave for a lot?
Day 24 - A letter to your parents?
Day 25- What I would find in your bag?
Day 26 - What you think about your friends?
Day 27 - What kind of person attracts you?
Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29 - In this past month, what have you learned?
Day 30 - Discuss your first love.

P.S. No, there are no claims of doing this daily, by the way. There are going to be 30 posts, yes, as and when they come along.



We were (still are?:O) a bunch of wannabes!

The days when we captioned pictures of ourselves with "moi".
The days when we wrote 'testimonials/profile comments' for each other as though we were marketting each other.
The days when 'no. of profile visits' was the trump card.
The days when albums about every little moment (including a sneeze!) weren't put up.
The days when this and so much more happened.
The days when we were active members of the good old 'Hi5'.

What happens when you pledge to deactivate your Facebook account?
You dig up some old graves and sign in your Hi5 account.
What do you find?
A bunch of lame lame LAME losers who seem to have been using your and your friends' names for some Hi5 accounts! Seriously!
That couldn't be us, for real! Could it? No. They were/are different people. They've got to be.

The ugliness of the pictures back in the day doesn't even begin to crack me up. We were so damn ugly. Each one of us.
Thank the Universe we have grown out of it- looking like that, for starters. Phew!

From the 'About me' to the 'Favourite books/music/movies' la la la it was all multiple levels of wannabe-ness. It is surreal, that page!

Brought back some memories; some nice and fun, some not so.

Amidst all the lameness, one thing that particularly stood out for me:

Back in the day, I was with this guy named Angad. Some good times with him.

Picture of Angad with two of his female friends doing the whole patent Charlie's angels pose on his either side. You know? Back facing back Making guns with your hand.
Caption : "Hii!!My Name Is Charlie...Wud U B My Angel...hehe jst playinn!!"
My comment below the picture: "im ur angel 4eva...wud u b my charlie? lol.. u luk ammzin!"

Yes. I laughed too.
A lot.
Clearly the '4eva' didn't remain...

Facebook! Come back! I am so much cooler with you. Or so I would like to believe. Sigh.
Wait till I look back at you and blame you for my quirks.

Next up? Orkut, maybe.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Change being the only constant

The more things change, the more they stay the same.
It's true.

The colour black for me, for instance.
There is no getting away. As much as I try and change the background and the layout of my blog and as much fun I try to have with colours and patterns, it all just doesn't seem right. And then there's black that always makes everything fall into place.
Is it only a co incidence that I am wearing a black sweatshirt as I type all of this?
I am a compulsive-black-clothing person. Maybe a little less now. Still I seem to like and buy only black things all the fucking time.

Black is strong, bold, mysterious and all the other things one reads and hears about it all the time; some flattering , some not so.
But there's this one quote that has struck just the right chords with me and epitomizes black as being the colour that says,
'Notice, but do not intrude'.

Maybe someday I pick pink over black..not!
Maybe someday I pick red over black..possibly.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.
It's true.

I remember Trishi's birthday party as being one of the best nights ever,yes.
So now that D is leaving for Germany for 6months and we need to make it a night ti remember for her, guess what we'll do?
The same thing that we did on 16-09-10; Trishi's birthday party!
It's almost cute how amidst all the talks and thoughts of growing up and freedom and better choices, we ourselves restrict ourselves to do anything but the ordinary. 
It's the same old routine :
>Guys we don't know as much, that we call them to D's farewell party, have been called to drive us around.
>A RadioCab has been booked
>Dresses decided.
>Stories tallied 
And some more...

Maybe one day we go for a trip to the jungle to celebrate...not!
Maybe one day we go to the zoo just for the kicks..possibly.

Will miss you D :)
If there is one person on the face of the earth that I would want to live as, if not myself, it's you.
Also, Kevin loves me.
And he's marrying me.
What'ya gonna do, huh?

Monday, December 13, 2010

She Talks To the Wind

Claire Dunphy (from Modern Family, on her mother): 
You know how growing up we all have that voice inside our head that tells us we're not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head driving me to school...

Now let's replace the 'mother' with 'father' and let's get real and establish that there has hardly ever been any 'driving me to school'; that would pretty much give you the story of my life.

I remember this one distant afternoon when I was being told in rather beautiful words and actions about my worthlessness in the world, in general. I remember the afternoon because it had made me cry after, what seemed like, a century. 
Even though I tried, a little tear rolled down while he was looking at me. 
"Shit! Sometimes I REALLY do screw up!", I thought then.
I walked out of the house after and thought the 'bad' of the day was already over.

Through her car window's glass, I smiled at her.
She smiled back.
I sat in the car and she was the first person who had ever got my actual mood without knowing the story.
"What's wrong?", she said.
And just like that, in that one second, I knew;
My father exists. 
But so does Niharika :)
I had seen her after her haircut that day. After really really long.
'The day won't suck as much now, maybe', I thought.
It didn't., she made sure.

It's been almost year, I think; 
I still don't know her. She doesn't let me. I respect that. At least, I try really hard to. She's the only one out of the three million people I know who makes me feel like a stalker. I have to fight a lot of my natural instincts only to not bombard her with my presence all the time via the damn cellphone! It's harder than in sounds, really.

I don't think I will ever get over the fact that I intimidate(d?) her!
I don't think I will ever get over the fact that what made me want to stalk her in the first place was 'Gupt'.
I don't think I will ever get over the fact that they didn't serve her booze at TGIF 'cause she's underage. Hahahahahahah. And how she totally blamed it on me. The pizza was nice, though.

Thank you for having crappy pizzas with me all the time.
Thank you (even more) for ze divine elbow.

She doesn't take my calls.
She doesn't reply to texts.
She thinks I am a cheat.
She makes me wait, only to not show up in the end.
She doesn't think of me; not much, anyway.
But she came for my birthday. 
And stayed till the end.
Even though it sucked for her, she stayed.
I am going to thank her for that always.
When she walked in (overtly dressed up, might I add :P), I swear it was the happiest I had ever been. 
Okay. Maybe not. But that moment easily figures in my 'Top Five Happiest Moments In Life'.
It does!

I like how she lets me hold on to her arm and walk around.
I like how she makes fun of other short people while I hold on to her arm and walk around.
I like how she finds me every time I get lost 
I like how she allows for all the elbow touching I put her through.
I like how she remembers that I remembered her chappals some day,one thousand years ago!
I like how she calls me a 'different generation'.
I like how she sometimes makes time for me.

I think my cigarettes taste better with her.
If only we'd decide to watch better movies too. Sigh. :P

Oh well, Hariyaliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
I hope you're feeling happy today!
Because I Love You.

P.S- You beautiful smelling person, I NEED a picture with you.
P.P.S-  'I Talk To The Wind'- King Crimson is the song that makes me think of you. Always.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


So the movie+dinner didn't remain just that.

I have sinned.
Guilty as charged.


It's cooler to feel anything than be this distant, really.

Till more untainted times...

P.S- Always believe that particular guy who once called you selfish/deceiving/deceitful and remember that even though it hurt like hell back then, he was probably right.

Friday, December 10, 2010

"P.S... Guess what? "

I think you are finally put under the same header as 'Grown Ups' when your mother officially allows a drunken marathon of a House party at your house and voluntarily chooses to stay away for the day!
Greatest Party Ever?
I think so.

Few reasons why I am going to remember this for a while...

  • It was at MY house :D
  • He-Man came :) :) :) And helped me clean later and was, I think, the only 'sober' guy at the party.
  • Jaya and Preeto might win awards for Absent-ism
  • I have a hickey from the party and the who/when of the matter remain unknown.
  • I had to un-clog my sink off Denzil's puke *throws up a little*
  • I got very high
  • It's been only two days since, yes; but people haven't shut up about it yet so yay. 
The good life.
It would have been even better had life included slight dozes of studying, less mental complications, very little melancholy, Niharika, great food, no body weight, lots of money, less classes, more winters, no stalkers..
I am half serious about the last one. Stalkers make me feel important.
Yes, I am a lame person.

Infidelity? Unacceptable.

There are no claims of being a Saint, here. The Universe knows I have slipped and flawed a lot more often than I should be allowed to. However, if there's one thing that I was never going to be okay with was infidelity. The line that divides 'promiscuity' and 'infidelity' maybe thin, alright; but it still exists. The choice of meaningless physical intimacy without emotional vulnerability is one thing, cheating in a committed relationship is quite another. To each their own, yes but ethical grounds should never be marginalized to a level too low.

So we've gotten back to talking since a few days now; Ro and I. It's all new and nice; the butterflies in the tummy are a little limited since we've been through this a few years back. There are some changes, obviously, between then and now. Both of us have matured, perceptions have changed, we want different things now, food habits, wardrobe...relationship status. 
Ya. SO he has a girlfriend now. 'In a relationship' since a year and going strong. 
It isn't a not known fact, that for him to have lasted this long with any girl is a huge deal and I am very happy for him. I really am. Only, I am not too sure about his sudden change of affiliations towards me. The fact that I know the girl-in-question in person, doesn't make matters easier, either. The fact that he keeps passing most of my little 'tests' that I sneakily slip in every now and then, is also not cool, given the scenario. 

To wash my hands off it, I can very conveniently say that I am not the one bound by a relationship and hence I am not at fault. But that would be a lie. 

Doesn't it make me equally guilty if I go ahead with things, well aware of the facts just stated?
I think it does.
I know it does.

In my defense, in all the conversations and time spending over the last few days I have consciously brought up  questions and general things about ze girlfriend which, very sneakingly, he's avoided, changed topic, same ol' same ol'.. 
Predictability bores me the most! Yawn. 

After listening to some eccentric (read: inappropriate) plans by him on his idea of spending the weekend with me, I settled for a movie+dinner 'outing' and not 'date' this Saturday. I figured that being friends I am supposed to spend friendly time with my friends and that is exactly what we're gonna do-
Watch movie, throw pop corn at each other, talk, eat food, come back.
It's as simple.
It's not like it can't happen; I am going to make it happen for nothing else but for the fact that infidelity is unacceptable.
Always was. Always will be.


So this 'being off Facebook' thing isn't going down with me as well as I thought it would.
Nevertheless, I am fighting all my natural urges to activate my account and doing other things to occupy all the time in the world that I am suddenly exposed to minus Facebook.
Yes. All claims of Facebook having taken over our lives are, in fact, true.
It is very very VERY hard to resist this particular 'global disease'.

They ask me why I am so addicted.
I don't have any answer that doesn't reduce me to sounding like yet another attention seeking wannabe emo person. I wouldn't have had qualms about this perception if only it was true. It isn't attention seeking at all.

It's a weird feeling; waking up to an empty house.
It's a weird feeling; not having someone giving you breakfast.
It's a weird feeling; when the first thing you do in the morning is to be by yourself.
It's a weird feeling; when it's too early to call anyone on their phone.
It's a weird feeling; waking up to an empty house.

So then there's Facebook. The world never seems to sleep there. There's people galore at all times of the day. People who share statuses, messages, pictures, notes...a slice of their lives with you at that hour of the day when you really think you got no one else.
And they ask me why I am so addicted...

Facebook! I miss you, lover.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


I don't have as many friends! I don't! Maybe slightly more in number than what YOU do, but that's not a lot. Regardless, I know who my friends and that makes me quite content with my life. I am a 'social' person; whatever that means, but that's that. I do not see why I must be apologetic about it. This has been a point of concern of not only YOU but also of most of my friends. I fail to understand how it's a fault.

Last night YOU chose to make an appearance in my life after over two months now, only to scream at me for no apparent reason. I can't believe I took it, it's very unlike me. So I'm not pissed that you assumed this authority over me that you really don't possess, but I'm pissed that I was bothered even though I can't place you in anything else but a big bubble of in-consequentiality.

'You have too many friends and that makes you a cunning person; you are cold-hearted; you don't respect me or my love for you; you are not a real person but a projection that people seem to like'- these seemed to be the general areas of your anger/frustration.
Your explanation to having taken so much time in saying such beautiful things to me was that you were intimidated and were gathering courage to say it to my face! Really now. I am not that cool! Maybe intimidating is one of my 'things', strangely so.

I need constant validation from people and approval from the people who matter. The fact that I end up doing exactly what I want in the end is a different story, but I am very anxious about some opinions.
Does that make me a bad person? I don't know.
Does that make me emotionally unavailable and disrespectful of love? I don't think so.
I don't know where the fault lies, really. I don't want to waste any time of my life finding out.

Facebook has always been very important to me. As lame as it may sound, it's true. There's no helping that and there's no explainable logic to it. I am addicted and it's just as hard to quit as smoking is.
After a very long time, I did something to prove a point to someone else but me; I am off Facebook.

I can see how most people will not/do not think of it as a big step but for me it is. It is huge and extremely life defining. Hell, I had to smoke slightly more than the usual the second I deactivated my account. :P Habbits are hard to kick, especially the bad ones.

Will I be lying if I said that YOUR call had nothing to do with it?
Will I be lying if I said that YOUR call was the only reason to do it?
Will I be lying if I said that I don't miss Facebook already?

Maybe it is time for a change.
Maybe it is time to give up one of the addictions.
Maybe one day I will give up smoking.
Maybe one day I will give up thinking about him.
Maybe one day I will hug my dad like I mean it.
Maybe one day sex will become more than just sex, again.
Maybe one day I will give up my phone too.
Maybe one day the world will be okay about me having more then one person I like to call my best friend.

It's true;
I have many friends.
I have the friends I want and there's no changing that.
Not yet, anyway.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Barely Breathing.

Okay. So I've been eating a lot, anyway. But for whatever's it's worth, I haven't been having as much junk as I did until last week so that's got to be a good thing! Also, exercise and lots of dancing is on; so that should be a little helpful too, if nothing else.
The Great Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes) said once, "Realities continue to ruin my life"- I couldn't agree more at this point and time.

To start with, it is December. I love winters and December is my particularly favourite month too. However, December with all it's madness, partying, laziness and the works is soon followed by the dreaded January- the month of the College Home Exams.

When you're in Delhi University and your attendance and other assignment submission records aren't exactly something to flaunt, the least you can do is clear all the internals with a slight tinge of respectability(to ask for anything more is going to be rather far fetched). The fact that after my 12th board exams, the course I opted for was that of English Honours Programme in DU isn't comforting at all. How am I ever going to do anything in life if I can't manage the pressure and stress that comes along in the journey to becoming a Graduate, alone? So much for wanting to be a responsible adult with a focus in life and rocking it while she's at it. Here's the deal : English isn't Math. Apart from Math being completely unnecessary and boring, it is also objective. English, on the other hand, is about points of view, critical analysis, awareness. So while 2+2=4 and nothing else but that;  while reading a book I need to know about not only the book, but the author and his life and the friends he had and the affairs he enjoyed and the history of the time and the political power play of the era... bah!- Subtext to the whole thing : I am screwed.

Today : 1st December.
Date of first exam : 3rd January.
Days left: 33
Books to read: 16
Mental status: ..........

So new challenge for the month apart from the quest to lose the paunch is, obviously, studying! Studying like mad! It's at times like this when one realizes that it's not like this is difficult but impossible. My biggest need at this present second is for someone to tell me the fuck from where I begin!!! The world would be so much easier without technology- Yes Yes! I am talking to you, Facebook, Blogger, YouTube, TV and Cellphone!!! You don't let me study. Also, the splash of social life that I seem to be living with is almost like a necessary evil.
Breathing is getting problematic. For real.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Move your ass, go berserk! Eat your salad, no dessert! Sigh.

If you come to think of it, it's no coincidence that 'women' and 'weight' start with the same letter. Really.
I am not one to generalize, but let's, for sake of convenience, acknowledge the fact that most women obsess about weight.
Thin ones want to get still thinner; some of that clan want to gain some flesh. Fat women (acceptingly or otherwise) want to have all the fat on them sucked out almost magically. The battle is unending; Women v/s Weight.

I would like to believe that I have been rather comfortable in my skin for most of it, anyway. Not skinny, yes but I have swung back and forth into my various weight phases from slender to not so to back with a lot of ease. Days of lives have consisted of being completely maniacal about losing weight to giving up and reaching for the last slice of pizza even after finishing my portions of lasagna,tikkas, pasta and the likes. I've exhibited some rather extreme behaviour depending on the mood, season and general happenings in life within the framework of being happy, sad and all that in between.

Current Phase : Got.To.Lose.Weight.Asap.Especially.For.New.Year's.Eve.

Yes. So when you are not exactly tall (read: short!) and are rather well endowed in the chest-al  region (sigh!), the last thing you can have on your self is a paunch, which really is just an almost cute way of calling a very unflattering lump of flesh growing ON your otherwise normal stomach. I wouldn't have alloted any blog space to this issue at all, if it was any other time of the year but this. Not only is it winters but all the major parties are round the corner; December Baby! All dresses which show off my rather well crafted legs (*touch wood* :P :P) would go for a mega toss because the strategically placed attention one places on the cleavage and legs would be hogged by the damn paunch.

It would be a little too ambitious to think that I would be normal-sized for all December parties (Sigh!) but there is a rather 'achievable' target with a rather 'do-able' plan of action (*fingers crossed*)-
Here's the deal:
CHALLENGE : To fit into a sweater dress that would like to be worn by yours truly this new years.
DEADLINE FOR WEIGHT CHECK: 25th December, 2010.
METHOD: Walking, Running. Dancing (THANK GOD!!!) No junk

Given my less than average will power and extreme pangs of laziness, this will be very very very hard. Not a sexist, but a Girl's got to do what a Girl's got to do, right?

Bye bye life, hello Hell!


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

So take a moment- coz it feels so good.

'Being Alone' had never really been one of my 'things'. I never enjoyed being by myself. I was always awkward by myself, especially if it's out in the public.

I could never see myself as being that peaceful looking woman I saw sipping coffee at Costa by herself with only a book as company; or the one who steps out of a mall accompanied only by some big shopping bags and no person. There have been times when I have had to be reminded about food on my table because I was so dumbstruck by the woman who was eating lunch by herself at the adjacent one. For me, even the distance from my house to the nearest Department Store (which is about 2mins walking) had to be covered with someone on the phone.
Could never do it, until very recently. I discovered this whole new dimension to being on my own. It's liberating, the feeling. Now, I like to take days off from other people to be with me and me alone. When you know a little over one million people and are (as I was called recently and I loved the tag) 'A non-gilded butterfly', the time off is a necessity 

Today was one of those days.

I watched Guzarish today in the morning- Beautiful- That would be understating it. I cry in movies, I feel too much while I watch them. I remember there was a time when my parents were purely anxious of letting me watch any sad cinema because I would, apparently, spend more days than one pondering over that film. Needlessly to say, I cried in this one too. But a LOT. Each frame induced in me so many emotions, and no, they weren't only that of pain but also of hope and happiness, strangely. The movie was watched via my pink but tear-stained spectacles. A.Must.Watch.It.Is.

Next I took an auto to destination two. I sat inside the vehicle like a zombie..still shedding a few tear drops here and there. 
Lame? Tell me about it.
So the auto guy shook me almost literally and dropped me off at the Taj Palace, Delhi.Yeah. I can be quite the pricey little bitch every now and then. So after elaborate fancy checking I entered. You can't go to a five star and come back without spending some quality time in the 'Ladies Room'. I did too, only to thank my stars. Turns out all the crying I had indulged in had left major signs on my face. New kajal came to rescue and I dolled self up a little bit. Next stop? Kafe Fontana,Taj :D

They asked me if I wanted to have the lunch buffet. I made very grown up faces as if contemplating the idea and then politely smiled and refused. It comes with a sweet price tag of Rs,!700 + taxes. A little too out of league. So I ordered Chicken Shawarma and some Tea. I am usually more adventurous with my drinks but my beautiful winter afternoon ( And It Had Also Rained :) :) :) :) ) demanded a little warmth for my throat. The food was nice and the Chai was exceptionally soothing. I kept picturing myself in the head- I must be looking like this rather confident person sipping her tea as she enjoys the window view and smiles thinking of happy things. So sorted. So peaceful. So grown up. The truth was that the picture I was painting in my head was not far from reality. I was feeling rather good about myself at the moment. The very very very polite staff made my day even more. All the investment in the Hospitality Industry, I think, is worthwhile.
All this @ Rs. 840/-
A little steep, yes.
Money well spent, yes.

I am also going to write a little bit about what I was wearing. Clearly, I am a little too pleased with myself, still.
I was wearing a very pretty white cardigan which is a very big deal because I am a compulsive black clothes wearer. With that, I wore a rather tiny dark brown skirt teames with black stockings. Skirts are my new love for some reason, all over again. I want to wear them for the rest of my life now. Stockings because there is no better way to not feel bad about not waxing in winters. Since I feel naked without black on me, I took a black stole along. With a cute bag and chappals to match, I was ready to go. I am turning wayyyy to much of a girl for my liking, suddenly. Sigh.

Still in high spirits, before getting home I stopped at my favourite salon and got myself a long overdue trim. I walked home in the soft drizzle.

Rains and winters- together or separately- there's no getting over them. Not yet, anyway :)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

"She steals my clothes to wear to work I know - her hairs are on my shirts"

If only I had ten bucks for every time I was asked 'Do you ever miss being in a relationship?', I would easily be a very very very rich individual by now. That way it would be a lot less annoying answering the damn question.

I don't understand the fixation, really. I understand how it may have been over a year since I the last time someONE was 'officially' my boyfriend but I haven't really been a state of drought post it, you know? I've dated, yes. I have been with people, yes. I have been happy, yes. I have been receiver of love, attention and all that, yes. I have had my share of 'turning people down', yes. Then why must my decision of remaining ....errr.... not single but..or...okay; let's call it that; my decision of remaining single- why must it be the reason for so much stir?

'Single' is a highly debatable term, really. How can anyone be 'single' ever actually? There would always and I mean ALWAYS some sort of emotional or physical (or both) inkling or attachment to atleast one person at a given point o time. So then are you really single single? I don't know what to call it. Somehow, the 'it's complicated' tag is too cliche to figure in my books. A full blown Relationship is a big deal and I see no reason that justifies anyone's questioning anyone else's need or choice of taking a sabbatical from it. So when my attempts of sounding polite while making my point seem potential failures, I let my trump card out; 'What is it that you have when you're 'with someone' and didn't when you weren't?' The general answer to the same : 'It's nice to know that your presence in someone's life makes them happy. I get to have sexual intercourse. And it's a happy feeling mostly.' 
Am I missing something? I know people who are glad that I am part of their lives. I have lots of sex. I am sufficiently happy too. So where's the catch? Nowhere, really. I have had my share of 'relationships' for now and I have had my share of the drama and excitement and the hurt it brings along with it. I have had some very nice men in my life all these years and some very nice ones still; why must I have to 'be in a relationship' to enjoy their company and more? I have always cracked up at this quote I had read by Janis Joplin a while ago, 'Oh Lord, won't you send me someone nice to flirt with? Someone really cute who I won't get hurt with?'

But, like, right now. It's such a nice weather; winters! I truly genuinely believe that all the romance of any kind we have been fed over these years across books, movies and all that has been inspired by this very weather. Rain eroticism came much later, I believe. I smell beautiful in winters all the time; it's unreal how I do but it's true- All The Fucking Time! My hair decides to behave especially well during this time. Also, I have bought some beautiful clothes and beautiful-er lingerie this season which, almost automatically, paves the way for some very passionate action.

We hooked up this Saturday. Ross and I. Amidst all the cooking, laughter, conversation, sex, leg pulling, plans and secret sharing, there is one thing I know for sure now- I need a boyfriend only so that I can wear his shirt over my tiny shorts and jump all around his apartment. There is nothing more cheering and satisfying; Nothing else that brings real joy to the heart.
This is the only time I am going to say this ever, but...
I am almost waiting for the summer, this time. I am going to wear his shirt over my tiny shorts and feel happy from the inside all the time. It's gratifying, this feeling of being wrapped around by someone you have a twisted-ly awesome past, twisted-ly pleasing present and a very twisted-ly questionable future. :P 

The title is a line from 'City Love' by John Mayer. I thought it fit rather well, this idea of stealing your guy's clothes. The fact that it's also a beautiful song makes it even cooler.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Mind is Tiffany-twisted, She's got the Mercedes bends

'Hotel California' by the Eagles is a classic. It is a huge deal coming from me because music isn't particularly my thing. As shocking as it may be I don't have music playing on my laptop every time I switch it on, I don't think I need to be listening to a particular playlist when I'm in the car and a different playlist when I'm in the bus; you get the drift, right? Music isn't really my thing. Hence, my 'list' of songs is rather select and, if I may say so myself, classic. No, no snob comments here; I am a hardcore Bollywood-only listener too. That's what MTV plays. Apart from that, It's all very Hotel California and Alice.

Regardless, this post is about my Tiffany twisted mind and my Mercedes bends. Yes, contrary to popular belief, it's Bends and not Benz.
I had read somewhere a while back that the song talked about how materialism traps people. The reference to Tiffany is about the famous jewelery store.'Bends' is used in the sense of the weakening condition; also, as a Bend (hindrance) to progress, courtesy the material trap. Even California, as a state, is a symbol of good life and prosperity.
Ever read so much into a song? If it's not the English Undergraduate student in me talking.

After this reading, I always thought I fit the bill completely with my Tiffany twisted mind and Mercedes bends. "We are living in a material world and I am a material girl."; Madonna sure knew what she was talking about. For me, holidays, for example, were all about going to pretty places, staying at pretty hotels, looking pretty, doing pretty things; basically an epitome of prettiness were what my ideal holidays were. None of that trekking, getting dirty, not caring what to wear, not spending too much money, travelling cheap; it never worked for me.
Never, until a this Sunday.

It was A's time to go back to her forsaken Dehradoon plays. The fun week was over. Hence, we decided to go along with her for a day. It was all good until the 'we' reduced to 'I' as the others couldn't come due to xyz reasons. Now, I am not particularly a travel person, even less so when in a bus to a place I know nothing about.. Still, a friend is a friend is a friend. I decided to go along.

Took metro till the bus station, which is really far. Now 10pm in the night at Delhi for three girls unaccompanied by anything male isn't the safest bet, really.  We got ourselves the tickets, A, her roommate and I were sufficiently equipped by now in our AC Deluxe Delhi to Doon bus. I felt very cool having taken up this endeavor.

Delhi Bus Station Departure : 22:30 hrs
We met this group of five boys in the bus- lots of fun followed. They were very sweet and lively people and all this without the hints of creepiness or bad intentions. For some reason, the three of us without any prior discussion, fake name-ed them. It was very silly, yes. But it would have been sillier to correct them after they passed our 'Is He Creepy' test. So A, Roommate and I were Sanjana, Ahana and Aira, respectively. The seven hour journey saw us sleeping, talking, laughing, eating, drinking (whiskey in thums up with the boys :P) etc. The chai and smoke we caught in the 20min break the bus took were truly special.
Dehradoon Bus Station Arrival : 4:50 hrs.

I had changed to boxers in the train (yaa.I've always been brave when it came to public changing!) and 4:50hrs, Dehradoon is very cold. I had fallen in love, already!

After an epic of a trip with all things special and fun, I returned. Alone.

I never thought I had it in me to manage it. The bus broke down on the way, our money was returned, I had to board a random bus to Delhi; all on my own. I befriended this boy, Abhijeet who was on his way to Indore for some sport trials; we talked together, laughed together, slept together (errr..on our respective bus seats) and flirted shamelessly in Bengali. Reaching Delhi, he was also fake number-ed by yours truly, obviously! I ate at McDonalds all by myself and then took a metro and further an auto and reached home.

All in all, I think the trip has made me appreciative of things that are not necessarily gilded, sparkled and Tifany-ed. I liked this whole 'on my own' endeavour. I am way to dependent on people and things, it's true. But now, at least once in a while, I can shake off some Mercedes bends off me and become a cooler person.
Amen to that! (Not a god believer. Don't think his name should enjoy the status of starting with a capital letter. More about that, some other time!)

'Hotel California' by the Eagles is a classic.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I'll just end up walkin' In the cold November rain

It is unreal how much a simple and short walk in the winters can do for you. Okay, make that a stoned and long walk. As has been stated over and over previously on many a occasions, I love winters and everything about it, including these long random walks I take sans any reason. Helps you gain a perspective, about nothing in particular. That's the beauty of it.

What happened last night, I have vague memories about. My best friend A's parents very bravely decided to go out of town for a wedding. I have always failed to understand the willingness and resources that people possess to attend weddings. Where do they get so much energy from? Regardless, we had an empty house! No crazy open-to-all house party happened and that made me very happy. Here's the thing about such parties; you end up having faded memories of no relevance or consequence with people who hold no relevance or consequence in your life. Hence, in a closed 'event' of sorts, it was just us. Us, painting nails and talking about love, life and all that over glasses of rum,vodka and whiskey. I love when conversations just flow between people effortlessly. The occasional joint and the innocent smokes just added to the ambiance as music played in the background. In the end, as tradition has guided us over the years, we watched 'Mean Girls' and dozed off.A very good night it was.

So friend, A had a very important Law Conference today morning at 9am which was mandatory for her to attend. Why we planned one of our high escapades the night before, is beyond me. With great powers comes great responsibilities; the power of the empty house brought with it the responsibility of getting up on time, cleaning and disposing off all the unwanted elements A's parents won't be too pleased to see and then leave the house, courtesy the damn Conference.Hungover, we managed to get out.
I reached close to my house, I realized that going home in the condition I was in wouldn't have been the wisest choice. So I decided to catch a movie.

Ya. So half asleep and half drunk, I bought myself a ticket and sat for Golmal-3. No. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. Almost funny. After that, I bought myself a ticket for Due Date. EPIC!! It was hilarious. After that, I thought I might as well see The Social Network and get it over with, already.
Yes. I tend to get carried away more than I should.
So after my rather satisfying movie marathon experience, I headed home.

The winter chill hit me then, the first of this year.

I noticed how it had rained. I almost felt cheated as I had missed it. Nevertheless, I deserved 'my' time. Since the last month, maybe, I have been socializing like mad! Rather, I have had to socialize like mad! It may sound like a very vain thing to say but it's true; it is a pain in the ass to know too many people  and the pain reaches another level of most of the five million people you know don't hate you. Ever heard anything weirder? I, sometimes, almost want to be hated a little... Not hated, just not fussed over, maybe.
Anyway, I decided to light up one of the left joints and take a walk.
And then I walked.
I walked across blocks, roads, puddles, houses.....
Thought about the world. Thought less, pondered more. I think,
Out of the eight thousand and fifty seven things that crossed that little mind of mine, two have managed to stay there still:

  1. I am a leeetle toooo indecisive, Indecisive to the extent of being annoying and highly irrational. Must learn to focus, maybe.
  2. T does not have any black tops/t-shirts. This is not normal! Especially when you are best friends with yours truly Obsessive Compulsive Black Clothes Wearer.
Cheers to the 'November Rain'.. Here's to many more to come :)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Those were the days...

I am going through a major 'We-are-too-old-for...' and 'We-are-old-enough-to...' phase. Here goes...

  • We are old enough to drink without occasion. Our will to drink and the ability to drink are not parallel emotions anymore. We plan our drinking escapades and go to places, pretty and ugly, to connect conversationally over drinks with friends (and foes). Gone are the days of secret cheap booze bottle that had to be guarded with one's life and opened only when the world slept and we were in the confines of a friend's locked room whose parents slept like babies.

  • We are too old for showing unnecessary skin. This year new years eve, we won't be wearing skimpy outfits that revealed more than it concealed, only to the excitement o everything male around and to the envy of their female counterparts. This year it's all about the sweaters and jackets and coats and la la la. BORING!!!! Nothing like a bit of drama on a very very very cold new years' eve. Maybe, I will still show some leg. Maybe not. Bah! Humbug!

  • We are old enough to admit that we liked 'A Christmas Carol' by Charles Dickens without being called a nerd by your peers. "Bah! Humbug!"- The phrase will stay with me forever. Long Live Uncle Scrooge! :)

  • We are too old for asking for permissions from parents. Okay. That's not entirely true. But isn't it so cool that we almost believe like it's true? Like all the time!

  • We are old enough to buy pretty summer dresses and wear them on day out with 'the girls'.

  • We are too old for not having 'the girls'. Really, gone are the days when the likes of Sex and the City seemed way too far fetched. We need 'the girls'. We have 'the girls'. We won't be jackshit without 'the girls'

  • We are old enough to date and enjoy all its...err..perks without being 'in a relationship'. Back in the day, wasn't there so much of politics and its interplay with power in the whole dating business. Who will ask whom out? Who dates whom? Same social circle? Approval from cent percent friends? And the works! Now it's so much more simpler. So much more laid back. The politics and its interplay of power still exists, only in a more 'adult' sort of a way.

  • We are old enough to go on trips and expeditions without parental supervision. Backpacking doesn't seem as enchanting as before.

  • We are too young for not having a Plan. We are supposed to care now! Have a well sketched out Plan. Okay, maybe not well sketched out but a rough draft is a necessity. The fact that we don't (read:I don't) means there's doomsday ahead lest I sort my life. We need directions, we need goals.... I need fresh air.
Okay, the last one just depressed me too much! Hence I will continue with this later, maybe. MAYBE. Any additions are welcomed though.
Damn this old age!

Anyway, for the record, Diwali was very pretty with the lights and all. If only it wasn't so polluted and noisy! SO DAMN NOISY! As tradition, kissing activities happened behind the staircase.. It was more like a Diwali wish, only, slightly longer. Yes. With my Ross, forever. I flinch in calling him that now, sometimes. That should be a good sign. Yes?
  • We are old enough to COMPLETELY get over that one person that makes us realize that we won't die of the heartbreak, we would just wish we did! Really now! I am tired of the on and off we have kept up for the last one hundred years! Phew!
I am unreasonably bright today, for some reason :) Nothing can put me down........!!!
Nothing but the thought of a very early college day tomorrow. "Bah! Humbug!" :P

Halloween, Diwali and All That !

We dressed up. Put heaps of makeup. Had an epic of a fun night.
Halloween it was!
Yes. We are finally old enough to host parties out of the ordinary. Halloween isn't reaaaalllly an Indian festival. Hell, I don't even know anything about it except for the fact that there's a lot of thematic representation of death and blood and ghosts and the likes?
Yes. I could be devastatingly wrong.
No. I couldn't care less about it to Google it.
Point being, we had a super super wooper awesome party themed 'Halloween' and even our, otherwise 'very macho', boys let us dress them up.

As devoted Facebook worshipers, obviously one million and one pictures were clicked and put up soon after. Amidst all the tagging, commenting, liking etc, a friend of mine decides to untag his pictures off the album. No. I wasn't pissed (That's a lie!) but I really thought we should know about his erratic behaviour.
I intruded.
He said he was embarrassed.
"Of what?", I asked; still not pissed (lie#2)
Apparently his friend had said something which didn't fail at making complete sense;
"You guys celebrated Halloween? Really? It's like the Americans celebrating Diwali!!!! hahahahaha".

Aping the West, much? Questionable.
Globalization? I think so. :P

Here's wishing everyone a Happy Halloween, Happy Diwali and all that comes in between.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Holding you close, chasing the moon...

It was Lohri, January, 2006.
Like every year, everyone who was going through a very bad patch courtesy nothing in particular had masked all anxiety to participate in the community celebration. I am usually a happy person, who isn't? That time, I wasn't. Sadly so.

There I was, smiling lamely at the fifty thousand people I didn't give a shit about. I remember being dressed up to lift my mood.
I didn't feel alone, just very lonely.
I didn't feel ugly, just not beautiful.
I wanted to cry. Actually, I think I wanted to kill the entire race around me, I'm not sure. It was such a long time ago.

Through the corner of my eye, I could see him looking at me. Clearly, my attempts of feigning the fun i was not having, failed. It grew more and more awkward, since we hadn't spoken since we quit being 'us' and became 'him and me'. It was strange because the last time I had been this sad was because of him. Funny, how every time something screws up, you think it's the worse you will ever have to face, until something crappier comes along! Anyway, newer elements were making my life a living hell, back then.

He text me; "See me behind *R's* house in two."
Ah. The commanding. 
The assumption of the right he had over me, still.
The fact that he did.

I went.

He was there.

I walked up to him. Shivering. The cold had very little to do with it.
He looked at me. Didn't smile. Didn't speak.
The tension grew stronger.

He did it then. He hugged me. Held me for many many many seconds. I was breathing into him. I cried a little bit too. He just kept holding me; really tight. 
There wasn't any romantic inkling, really. However, the loud, crass Punjabi Lohri music in the background started sounding like jazz.
After an entire two minutes, he let go.
We walked back to join the celebration again. We didn't talk, almost as if to induce drama. We didn't talk all night.

Later, i left him a message saying "Thank You", hoping that he won't be a jerk and ask me what for.
He didn't.
I will always be indebted to him.

Over the years, we have been kindred spirits, for real.
And then, last night he told me 'I just love the way you hug me'. I gushed so much I could cry just thinking about it. I almost wanted to say it back with so much more passion.
I didn't.
We know what we have. Almost clearly. Mostly, anyway.

Holding someone tight, if you ask me, is the most underrated action in the universe.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A Free Bitch, Baby

Her desires are whores
Her dreams, too, sluts
Thought the heart was all hers
Turns out, he's a tramp too

Apologies to the life that got her
She ate the life up
Frustrated it
Filled it with plague

She told them to get her the stars
The stars in a pretty cage
She told them to light it up
The stars in a pretty cage

But they were prostitutes
All of them

Her stories were whores
Her ways, too, sluts
Thought the heart was all hers
Turns out, he's a tramp too

For every face she tore
She was faced by uglier ones
A naive little bird danced
Danced and became a peacock
She became the prostitute and the saint
They became the wives and the virgins

Her liaisons were whores
Her lovers, too, sluts
Thought the heart was all hers
Turns out, he's a tramp too