Thursday, March 12, 2015

*Guest Blog* Attempts At Humour

So as part of my promise to make this blog more consistent again and to not disappear on it for too long, I've asked some of my favourite people to guest blog for me. They've been given the freedom to blog about anything and they don't have a deadline. Let's do this!
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My story is not similar yet not very different from the stammering comedian from the Nescafe commercial. They are similar in the sense that we both haven’t given up exercising our humour muscles. But they are different in the way that unfortunately I do not seem to have any. Wait, now that’s not completely true. I think I have do them, they just might be malfunctioning ones.

‘Don’t frown so much Roshni!’ was what my grandmother always said while she was still alive. Growing up I was always the serious and maybe even slightly uptight nerd of my school group. No matter how hard I tried I could never match my friends in the social skills. I wasn’t witty, I wasn’t charming, I wasn’t cute and I wasn’t Funny.

I was always trying to fit in. It is a horrible habit, one which I wasn’t able to kick for the first 20 years of my life. Being a socially awkward fat person with an unimpressive personality can be deadly, quite literally. I often imagined walking onto a busy road and getting hit by a passing bus and then the scene would play out in my head, comic book style, ending with floating bubbles over my still upright body; they read ‘Fuck! I am so fat I dented the bus.’

But through it all, I found myself never giving up. I would shut myself from the world believing that I could be a recluse and it would make me happy. I found that it had the opposite effect. I wanted to meet new and interesting people, I was curious about the world beyond my little city.It came down to a simple choice. The acceptance of the fact that I wasn’t the recluse I had thought myself to be.

 It started with going on a blind date and never looking back thereafter.

I would sit silently at a table full of people and observe; melting into the background and furniture, sitting still and silent for hours. But I went out. I met new people. This continued for a few months and then I decided to move to a new city to go to graduate school.

Once again I tried to fit in, I would drink for hours, sit and listen to people talk. Sometimes alcohol gave me the courage to talk and I would talk too. At times I was slightly witty. But I was a sucky storyteller; I couldn’t get people to stay interested in my story for long.

It was hard to accept. I have fantasized about being a story teller from the early dark ages of mankind. Sitting around a fire, lit with its glow and reciting a story to an enthralled audience.But my stories have too many hiccups; take too long to get to the punch line. I struggle with clever retorts. It is like my brain freezes, I think of a million things to say but nothing makes sense, my heart starts beating quicker than its usual pace, my mouth goes dry. The worst thing follows; a worthless ‘ha’ escapes my mouth, sounding the siren of my defeat.

But I haven’t given up. I still go out and meet new people. I talk a little more than I used to. I recite long silly stories. I try to crack jokes and play silly pranks.

My darling roommates, I call them that with a lot of sarcasm tipped love, have termed these efforts of mine ‘Attempts at Humor’.


-Guest Blogger

Monday, March 9, 2015

The Rebound.

I don't want to resent him. But I do. In my defense, he was a rebound. I guess they can't help it. They're often brought on board to fill the void someone else left in your life. It really isn't their fault. Mostly, it's not.

I don't want to resent him. But I do.

Very often when I look back at our time together, I feel really angry. Angry because I think he robbed me off my youth. I know I'm being a tad bit too dramatic, but that's really how I feel. He made me part of a boring old couple who fucked only in the missionary position and spent weekends together with each other's friends. There wasn't anything really wrong with him... except that he was insecure about every man I ever even spoke to; except that he didn't just want to impress me but all my friends; except that he was secretly always smug about winning against this other guy I knew, except that I know he was insecure about the size of his penis; except that he tried way too hard to please me in bed ; except that he loved me way too much in very little time. I was exhausted!

I'm not lying when I say that I started noticing physical changes in me. My face was becoming paler by the day and my waistline bigger. My boobs didn't feel sexy to me anymore and I stopped pouting in pictures. I stopped going to parties because it meant him getting weird about me not wanting to sit in a corner and text all night. You know the weirdest part? "I give you your freedom!" he said. My freedom is not yours to give, asshole!

And then there were those conversations. I mean, I was with the guy for months, and I don't remember ONE stimulating conversation with him. And we used to talk all the bloody time. In retrospect, I think all he ever said was how much he loved me. I have loved a lot of people in my life at various times and in various capacities... is it really love if you've to say it out loud so many times? I think not. He was so fucking vanilla, it makes me want to cry. And I was some big ego trip for him.

I don't want to resent him. But I do. Especially because he wasn't a virgin when I met him and he lied about it! And also because, he wasn't cool enough to be my boyfriend. Ever. 

There, I said it. 


Dear Me

So everyone is doing these #DearMe videos on YouTube and because I don't feel pretty enough for camera today (or ever) and because I don't have a YouTube channel, I thought why not fill this oldie up! In other news, my blog turned 5 whole years this February. Amazing, right? 

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Dear Me,

Enjoy judging people who get shitfaced every weekend while you still can, because pretty soon you'd be one of them. Don't lose sleep over getting 'his' attention months after you broke up, he will always be a part of your life in some twisted way. Thank your Math and Accountancy tutors every day because it is them who'd get you through school.

Try and fight less with your father... you're doing some irreversible damage to the relationship that could've been. Don't quit your dance classes because you don't find them 'cool' anymore; you'd regret it for the rest of your life. Leaving dancing will make you gain a hell lot of weight, see this as a sign of resuming class because otherwise, that weight aint goin' nowhere! Spend more time with your family while you still can. Don't 'try' smoking!

It's okay to want to sleep with more than one person at the time, don't get this bothered by slut shaming. It's okay to not make out with someone too even if the moment is amazing, don't try this hard for validation. Since we are talking about sex, always use a condom!

I know it's very important for you to be 'popular', but don't overdo it. Most of the people who're giving your the ego boost you want right now didn't make it very far in your life. Care slightly less about your 'image' and don't feel embarrassed to cry if the need be. Definitely sing more.

Don't hate on social media... you're on your way to becoming a Social Media Whore, so. Your hair should be the least of your worries right now because eventually people are going to fall in love with your natural curls. Be meaner to Mrs. Jain at school, she deserves it.

Be less afraid to love.

All in all, you're a cool kid. I've seen the future, it works out reasonably well.

Love
Me.