Friday, October 22, 2010

Arriving Somewhere But Not Here

Passion I think is one of the most important things in life. You need a drive, a force that carries you through. Personally, I think your driving forces can change from time to time; change is the only constant, is it not? 

It was only a few years back when I thought I wanted to do so many cool things and believed that I would be so fucking good at them!
Belief is necessary! There isn't any getting anywhere without that.
I think it was school when I thought I was in possession of super natural powers and was certain that I will nail whatever I chose to do. I think we all were like that in school. We were constantly working... not to score well all the time but to arrive; to get somewhere. We were convinced we were getting somewhere; somewhere we wanted to; somewhere we knew we belonged.
Unlike most people, I have never had qualms about passing on my textbooks. I never cherished them as much. The matter and information in them just didn't seem as important to me. However, the little of the five million books that still enjoy rack space in my house are filled with nostalgia. There are doodles about people we liked and didn't and tid bits and notes about our life crisis and happiness and life changing conversations and issues about the world and so much more. It is in these pages that our respective lives and our lives together reside happily and will do ever after too.
I miss the insanity.
I miss the confidence.
I miss the passion.

I have had my share of very weird trajectory when it came to choosing life paths for myself. I would like to believe I am not the only one.

  • In the second grade, I knew this women who was straight out of a painting- so pretty, so young, so elegant, so pure, so loved. She was my math teacher..One of the only time I understood anything about the damn subject was back then. Everyone used to like her and all the male teachers would act like lame losers vying for her attention. I knew it then; I wanted to be her- A Teacher. After two years, I think, she got married and left. Took my dream away with her. Just didn't seem worth it.
  • I turned to dancing and I was, if I may say so myself, pretty darn good at it. Hence, a big shot choreographer in Bollywood was where I placed self mentally. Soon, that phase got over too.
  • Then for the longest time I wanted to become a full on glam doll Bollywood actor. I knew I would go straight to the top. I knew it was my thing. I knew I would rock. I had techno-colour dreams, for crying out loud! I was consumed by the glitz, glamour, commercialization, futility, pretence and of course, the costumes of this world. I would practice interviews under the shower for when the paparazzi would stalk me for a quote after I would get out of the success party of my latest release! Then I got fat and the dream couldn't take the pressure of the weight, clearly! 
  • I still wanted to be on TV so bad.. hosting chat shows or something!
  • Through all of this, my very weird parents kept telling me how their being doctors automatically shut all other doors for me and they wanted me to believe that Science was what I would voluntarily choose for self. So much for being supportive and liberal modern working parents. Parents are hypocrites.. more about that later. Being the victim of circumstances (yes yes!), I thought I would have to work around the given framework and hence decided that being a dentist might not suck as much. Reason, you ask? A doctor friend of my mom's husband had told me (I think as a joke) that out of all other medical nonsense, you study the least to become a dentist. That became and obvious calling, hence. Then, magically I just quit passing in Science. Obviously enough it would have been way too far fetched for me to still stick to this. Sigh.
  • Margaret Mitchell, the author of Gone With The Wind became a fleeting icon too. She has written just this one master of a book which earned her fame and fortune to last her a lifetime! I thought it wouldn't be as hard.I started writing a book too. Only, it got lost somewhere in those years of major experimenting regarding boys, toys and some other unmentionables. Poof. OVER!
  • So much so, that I have had very serious conversations with extremely serious people (read: best friends) contemplating the idea of taking up prostitution as a serious profession. Did not get as much support as I had hoped for. Anyway.
  • Finally, I though I will marry a really rich and fair man who spoke good English and had beautiful hands, become a trophy wife and give him beautiful kids. I don't want to get married anymore! :(

Now I am halfway through finishing my college education and though I love my life and everything about it (almost all the time), there is nothing I am working for or towards. I am just here. Back then, so what if I was on the wrong path? I was still on a fucking path!
You need to have tremendous knowledge and passion about at least one thing if not more. None of that I am in possession of. Not yet, anyway.
I had the weirdest things in my school bag- old letters, poems I wrote, friendship bands, oregano and chilly flakes sachets from dominos, broken glasses, ribbons and so much more things that are seemingly crap!
Now, it's all about hairbrushes and lip gloss.
Then, it was fun being weird. I liked being at that thin line between weird and popular with so much ease.
Now, it's almost like people act crazy to conform. To belong.

There are star-studded fantasies about making it. Somehow. Somewhere.
Just not here, maybe.