Thursday, July 17, 2014

Personal Blog Challenge

Considering a job, responsibility, mental drama and laziness leave very little time or motivation for writing, I have decided to set myself up for a personal writing challenge.

I will be posting on this blog every day this week. It doesn't have to be anything substantial. It needs to be words strung together without the pressure of the thoughts making sense.

Let's rock this bitch!

Random Thought: I find it pretty weird that I will have no problems at all if any person from anywhere in the world happens to stumble open my blog and follow it regularly. However, as soon as I find out that someone I know might be reading this, I flip!
I wonder if it would really be this easy telling your thoughts to a stranger if it wasn't for the internet. 

Pursuit of happiness.

I think it happened sometime last night when I thought about him after years. When I was intoxicating my soul and seeking happiness in arms I shouldn't be in at all. It probably is the easier way to blame my issues with commitment and relationships on him entirely but I don't know if it is the right way. Nothing happened last night but it took me back to time where I did not need anything to happen with anyone because I was with him. That was enough. Ironically enough, it completed me to the extent that now that it is gone, it's taken a part of me with it. Just very recently I had met someone who was doing such a fabulous job of stitching my soul back together. Needless to say I ruined it and perhaps a little bit of her too.

But where does that leave me now, I wonder.

From the looks of it I am probably in a place where I know in my head that my happiness is what matters the most but I am too tired to deal with the drama that'll follow when I cause unhappiness to other for my sake. I don't know if the above sentence made too much sense.

Coming back to him, I remember so distinctively our last time. He always could look right through me. Even the night when he lay his hand on me, I know that he knew I was more sad than scared.
I remember so distinctively our last time because it was then when I had truly put my guard down and cried for hourse curled up on his lap. When I had told him that I couldn't go on pretending that I was fine despite everything... that he affected me so much more than I had accounted for... that I needed to never see him again for the sake of my sanity.

I think that was the bravest I have been in a long time.
I wonder what made me think of him last night. I would like to find out.