Thursday, July 17, 2014

Pursuit of happiness.

I think it happened sometime last night when I thought about him after years. When I was intoxicating my soul and seeking happiness in arms I shouldn't be in at all. It probably is the easier way to blame my issues with commitment and relationships on him entirely but I don't know if it is the right way. Nothing happened last night but it took me back to time where I did not need anything to happen with anyone because I was with him. That was enough. Ironically enough, it completed me to the extent that now that it is gone, it's taken a part of me with it. Just very recently I had met someone who was doing such a fabulous job of stitching my soul back together. Needless to say I ruined it and perhaps a little bit of her too.

But where does that leave me now, I wonder.

From the looks of it I am probably in a place where I know in my head that my happiness is what matters the most but I am too tired to deal with the drama that'll follow when I cause unhappiness to other for my sake. I don't know if the above sentence made too much sense.

Coming back to him, I remember so distinctively our last time. He always could look right through me. Even the night when he lay his hand on me, I know that he knew I was more sad than scared.
I remember so distinctively our last time because it was then when I had truly put my guard down and cried for hourse curled up on his lap. When I had told him that I couldn't go on pretending that I was fine despite everything... that he affected me so much more than I had accounted for... that I needed to never see him again for the sake of my sanity.

I think that was the bravest I have been in a long time.
I wonder what made me think of him last night. I would like to find out. 

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