All the things I know right now, If I only knew back then

The swelling is gone.
The pain remains. The bone right under the eye? That's the spot!

It's hard to function through the day without flashes of yesterday.
My phone's been off for most of it to avoid the calls.
I am dazed, still.
This shall pass.
It has to.

I put makeup today. I do it every time I need a 'pick me up'. Did NOT work.
Still dazed.
I haven't smiled in a while.

Shit! I just realized I haven't eaten anything! ...
...Ate. Not working.
Still dazed.

I think I will get back on Facebook. I breed on exaggerated, however fake, attention.
If people are going to hit me around anyway, I might as well enjoy my share of cheap thrills.
Yes. I am very very lame like that!
And very very pained right now.

It's embarrassing to talk about.
It's too hard to let out.
I am the strong one! Why the fuck is this so hard, man?!!!

It's crazy.
Next post is not going to be about this.
Next thought is not going to be about this.
No, I am not cutting my hair over this.
No, I am not going to 'drown my sorrows' in drinking ( I hate that phrase anyway!)

With a clear head, minus intoxications of any kind, I am getting over this.
Hell! I am over it.

I am back on Facebook.
That's a start?
Yes? No? No?
Okay :|

At least it doesn't show anymore;
doesn't show in the ugly shades of purple.

He hit me today.

Mistakes are not experiences; they're failures.

I have failed.

I took a very long bath. Bathed less, cried more.

I made something up to tell Ma. 

I contemplated cutting my hair really short; it's hard to face self in the mirror; face the failure.
I think I will get a tattoo to outdo the 'pain', per se.

My friends tell me they'll fuck his happiness;

somehow that makes nothing better. It's all so hollow.

I don't need to be told he's a bastard.

I don't need to be told it's okay and I shouldn't waste any tears on him.

I don't need to offered a new perspective.

Not even for a second. It's almost like I want to be hit again to let it all out.

To do it right this time.

To get back at him.

One last dance with Mary Jane. One more time to kill the pain. 

Only, I don't think I will be able to kill it. That't the saddest part.

No. That's not the saddest part.

The saddest part is that it's going to stay forever;
not the swelling, not the pain;

the memory.

Ageless. Priceless.

"It sucks! 

You're too old for your age! 

WHY WON'T YOU ACT YOUR AGE???! aarrgghhh"

"Hariyali!! WHY WON'T YOU ACT YOURS???!!"

-Makes me feel new levels of cool each day. Don't go...  
P.S- I am NOT old for my age!!!

Because.

Because it's embarrassing to tell you not to go because I will miss you
Because I get more than elated when you tell me that you hate to see me go.
Because one of my favourite things to do in life is to sit with you in the car and talk.
Because I never mean to freak you out.
Because I like hugging you a lot.
Because I come in the 'group' things only because I know you'll be dropping me back.
Because my life's greatest fear is that I might drunk-call you someday.
Because my life's greatest tragedy is that I intimidate you.
Because each time you don't call/text/reply, I go into my bubble of self doubt.
Because I like to look at you when you drive.
Because you said my lips are nice, today.
Because I don't get how I make you feel heavy inside.

Because I hope and wish that you'll text tonight.

Because I am not having coffee/chocolate or any of its forms for a month now.

Because you matter.
A lot.

Because there is a reason I don't believe in the apparent Almighty!

There is no God!

It's true.

Never was, never will be.

So I look rather nice in winters, thank you very much. On most days, anyway. My hair behaves, my kajal stays, my 'slimming' clothes and colours do well, my scent is beautiful.. et al. So out of the two and a half months of Delhi winters, I look presentable in at least two, to say the least.

Does Ross meet me everyday? 

No!

But by some twisted humour of God (*rolls eyes*), which is the day that I bump into him? 

Today!

What's special about today? 

My unbelievable shabbiness!

So my mum's salwar with the most unflattering kurta teamed with an old friend's older sweatshirt doesn't exactly add up to 'pretty'. I have always been at more than peace with the way I look, even on my unabashedly ugly days. But not with himmmm!!! Our entire relationship at the present date is based on nothing but major manipulative power plays. It's sad I know. But amidst all our cute talks, cheesiness, talks, hugs, kisses and more; it's all about maintaining the upper hand!

The looking ugly bit isn't that much of a problem with me, really. Until, he says it.

"Why're you dressed like that today? You looked great in the morning! And that sweatshirt makes you look fat!"

So if there were an award for 'Things You Cannot Say To Anyone Ever', he would've won it.

After a very nice half an hour that we spent, he did it again.

"How much have you been smoking? Your lips have become dark!"

 Kill me now!! Was I on drugs when I was with him?? Like, why would he say these things out loud.?

Anyway, we had a great time, like always!

I hate that I love that bloody bastard, still. How long has it been man? Really now!

I hate that he makes all his crap okay the second after its occurrence with the simplest of things! 

Some cute messages, today :) :)

That Bitch!

*Insert almost-pissed-but-also-blushing emoticon here*

There are worse things I could do.

It is a sin if you cross the bar without having watched 

• Grease
• Dirty Dancing
• Chicago

My favourit-est songs from these movies. Yes, I have spent my afternoon watching them and more.

ALL

THAT

JAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

I said "Tell me man, when does the fun begin?"

I think Lap Dancing is extremely sexy.
Not sleazy, sexy.

More so, when a guy gives it to you- No, that's a lie. It's rather funny when a guy is giving it to you.
Not sleazy, funny.

It's so cute to see him move his tiny little tush to the mother of 'clean' lap dances' song just for you. After a little more than just a few laughs, there's role reversal and then you do it like it's reallllly done!
Not sleazy, a little slutty perhaps, if you will.
And oh so sexy!

And then other things follow when you seem to be dying several deaths courtesy pleasure and pleasure, alone.  It's appalling to see how he does so many things with so many things including his toes and eyelashes amongst others. Oh! *Good English*!!!
eeeeeeeeeee. It becomes a little hard to contain excitement when the above occurrences might have happened only a little while back.

Dancing makes me very very VERY happy. I have never understood how people 'can't dance'. Something that can impart as much gratification comes naturally; people just don't try enough. It's the most amazing thing in the world, next only to, maybe, a few other things.

'You're a fool whether or not you dance; so you might as well dance' - Japanese Proverb.  

There's a reason Dirty Dancing was called that. It's as mean as it gets; this dance thing.

Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends.

I just realized I do have a life. And blogging has become a major part of it.
Am I happy about it? Yes? No? Can't say.

Blogging is the new Facebook ( It caused me physical pain in the heart to type that!). I blog before and after I have to go out of the house. 

Anyway,

Picture:

Goa, 2010.
Best Trip Ever.

There's a story behind the picture; which Trishi and I are remembering for a long time, I think.

Oh Yes, I have a lot of friends and cannot even begin putting up picture with each one of them.


I love This Goa Song, for some reason.
Not so much for the music or feel or anything, but the words; it's ABOUT Goa.

Anyway,

L-R : Trishi, Rits, Di, Me :) 

Camera Shy (read : Picture Taker) Preeto.

If 'Sex and the City' were based in Goa, we're all getting the leads.
Me: Samantha. 

La La La...

What happens when you have a laptop that is all yours and you do not need to share it with anyone?

- You become a Facebook whore!

What happens when you have a laptop that is all yours and you do not need to share it with anyone but you're off Facebook?

- You blog. Many many times, so.

It's just sad. Earlier my 'lack of life' on most days didn't come on the surface as much because the day at home was spent on Facebook. The fact that the Facebook chat sucks and I don't go online there, I really was on it all day for the purposes of voyeurism alone.

 It was through my stalker tendencies that I would think,comment (even if in my head) and feel sadistic satisfaction.

Yes, I am a very lame person.

Now I am a 'full-on-blog-person'- whatever that means! I feel unusually opiniated about most things and out of the lack of having anything else to do, I blog.

Jaya thinks it's cool. What does he know, anyway? Sigh.

You know how the common want of all people you know is great hair? It's true. Everyone wants great hair.

I do too.

I want my hair to look like sex;

not like I-just-had-sex, you know?

YOU *Good English* .You're nice at the things you do. Really Really Nice.

I have no clothes, by the way.

Or shoes.

Or kajal.

Or money.

I am poor.

And bored.

...

ooo.

Reading a blog and not commenting is like winking to a really hot guy in the dark.

It's pointless. The hot guy never feels appreciated. Ya. So.

^^ I read a version of this somewhere and made a mental note to put it here. :P

Also, I have never really understood the phenomena of winking, really. There could be so many possible interpretations to it.

The world and its ways.

...

P.S- Not.Blogging.Tomorrow.For.Sure.

       Must.Study.To.Clear.University.Examinations.

Of Sex Education... or the lack of it!

There's a reason why Sex Education needs to be imparted to people of planet Earth. Really.
I haven't laughed like this since this.
Here's hoping the ask-ers of these queries never decide to procreate.
I am almost ready to pray for the same.


P.S- Not being on Facebook gives one way more time than one might imagine. Sigh. I neeeeeeeeeeeeed my life back. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
P.P.S- The 30 Day Thing bores mee.. Cannot do this everyday. Shall write under it as and when I feel the need to self indulge, self obsess and be answerable about self in any form.
P.P.S- Look how many cool link things I have going on here.

Have a Good Laugh.
Also, it's always a good idea to not have sex queries this weird. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Comfortably Numb?

People cut themselves. Voluntarily. To cause pain.

Growing up, I took most of these people to be nothing more than a bunch of slightly ignored people who slip up and cut near-wrist-areas(mostly) only in their pursuit to gain a little bit of attention every once in a while. We've all been there, it's true. We've all had our 'omg-my-life-sucks-and-pain-is-my-only-company' phase. I know I have had mine. But cutting causes pain- a hell lot of it, at that. Would anyone do it only for attention? I think not.

I was talking to my friend about it. He thought it was very funny;

"'she' doesnt care about 'my' felings, therefore i -will take a blade and very cleverly NOT slit my wrists but see blood and feel 'satisfied'-it's funny!"

Is it, really?

For some it may be a gimmick, agreed. But for most it is a medical condition.

They don't cleverly 'not slit' the wrists. The idea is not to die, it's not. It's to feel pain. Almost fatal pain.

It is less scary, more creepy, I think.

What is creepier is that I know people who are/were into it.

A lot of things hurt.

Hurt like hell.

Hurt like fuck!

It pains when things don't work out the way you want.

Doesn't cutting cause more pain, though?

Is the release of the pain through cutting worth it?

Is self destruction the way to go?

I don't judge, I don't,

I get scared though.

Very very very much so.

Day 02 - The meaning behind your blog name.

Blog Name : POINT BLANK.
What it means? Just that. No more, no less.

Whatever is on the blog is what I have thought of, felt, created and put down. Point blank. I don't know big words, my language isn't particularly stylish; It's for no one else but me, only so that when I am old and alone and cranky, I can look back in time via this damn blog and re-live my years of prime :)

That's that. Point Blank.
Yeah. I am disappointing that way...

Day 01 - A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

The following are 15 facts,yes.
Interesting? I couldn't care less, really.

1. I have been editing my pictures, lately. I may be complete crap at them but I have never claimed otherwise anyway, so.
2. I eat a lot. At least, I want to. Ya. I don't have an appetite, apparently. Boo! I like cooking, though.
3. I can hug people even if I don;t know them enough. Oh wait! I already do. I like to. Hugging and kissing are my 'things'.
4. I am vertically challenged and I am the only short person I know who is at complete peace with the fact. Really. I think I would just be awkward had I been tall.
5. I love chicken. And when I say love, I mean it with all my heart and more
6. Black should be a religion. I wouldn't be an agnostic then.
7. I need to watch a movie every weekend.
8. I not only want but I need a hell lot of money for sustaining happiness.
9. I am not a nature-lover. Gasp all you want, it's true.
10. I am not into music. Sometimes I want to be, though. I just don't think I get it, you know? Good ol' Bollywood works for me just fine.
11. I have problems accepting if and when I am wrong.
12. I think Facebook should be a tangible person. I swear some major love-making would have happened then.
13. I love smoking. I don't love the fact that I do, though.
14. I want to dance all my life. If I could've, I would've.
15. I want to know/study/watch all about Bollywood. It fascinates me beyond limits.

Oh! It's done. It was so much simpler than I thought. Talking about self comes naturally to me. Sigh.

Good Night.

The 30 Day Thing.

 So now that I'm off Facebook (Yes.I mention it a lot, I know), I have been doing things that I didn't do usually. The 30day project being one of them.
The fact that I love the feeling of celebrity-hood and I like to answer questions most of the time, helps.
Here's the deal :

Day 01 - A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

Day 02 - The meaning behind your blog name.

Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends.

Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn't have?

Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.

Day 06 - A letter to someone who has hurt you.

Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why?

Day 09 - Something you’re proud of in the past few days.

Day 10 - Your favorite superhero and why?

Day 11 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

Day 12 - Your favorite season and why.

Day 13 - Your views on drugs, alcohol and religion.

Day 14 - A picture of you and your family.

Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play?

Day 16 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why?

Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals you have?

Day 19 - Your earliest memory.

Day 20 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future?

Day 21 - Bullet your whole day.

Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else?

Day 23 - Something you crave for a lot?

Day 24 - A letter to your parents?

Day 25- What I would find in your bag?

Day 26 - What you think about your friends?

Day 27 - What kind of person attracts you?

Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Day 29 - In this past month, what have you learned?

Day 30 - Discuss your first love.

P.S. No, there are no claims of doing this daily, by the way. There are going to be 30 posts, yes, as and when they come along.

Hi5

HahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahaha

Ya.
We were (still are?:O) a bunch of wannabes!

The days when we captioned pictures of ourselves with "moi".
The days when we wrote 'testimonials/profile comments' for each other as though we were marketting each other.
The days when 'no. of profile visits' was the trump card.
The days when albums about every little moment (including a sneeze!) weren't put up.
The days when this and so much more happened.
The days when we were active members of the good old 'Hi5'.

What happens when you pledge to deactivate your Facebook account?
You dig up some old graves and sign in your Hi5 account.
What do you find?
A bunch of lame lame LAME losers who seem to have been using your and your friends' names for some Hi5 accounts! Seriously!
That couldn't be us, for real! Could it? No. They were/are different people. They've got to be.

The ugliness of the pictures back in the day doesn't even begin to crack me up. We were so damn ugly. Each one of us.
Thank the Universe we have grown out of it- looking like that, for starters. Phew!

From the 'About me' to the 'Favourite books/music/movies' la la la it was all multiple levels of wannabe-ness. It is surreal, that page!

Brought back some memories; some nice and fun, some not so.

Amidst all the lameness, one thing that particularly stood out for me:

Back in the day, I was with this guy named Angad. Some good times with him.
Anyway,

Picture of Angad with two of his female friends doing the whole patent Charlie's angels pose on his either side. You know? Back facing back Making guns with your hand.
Caption : "Hii!!My Name Is Charlie...Wud U B My Angel...hehe jst playinn!!"
.
.
My comment below the picture: "im ur angel 4eva...wud u b my charlie? lol.. u luk ammzin!"

Yes. I laughed too.
A lot.
Clearly the '4eva' didn't remain...

Facebook! Come back! I am so much cooler with you. Or so I would like to believe. Sigh.
Wait till I look back at you and blame you for my quirks.

Next up? Orkut, maybe.

Change being the only constant

The more things change, the more they stay the same.
It's true.

The colour black for me, for instance.
There is no getting away. As much as I try and change the background and the layout of my blog and as much fun I try to have with colours and patterns, it all just doesn't seem right. And then there's black that always makes everything fall into place.
Is it only a co incidence that I am wearing a black sweatshirt as I type all of this?
I am a compulsive-black-clothing person. Maybe a little less now. Still I seem to like and buy only black things all the fucking time.

Black is strong, bold, mysterious and all the other things one reads and hears about it all the time; some flattering , some not so.
But there's this one quote that has struck just the right chords with me and epitomizes black as being the colour that says,
'Notice, but do not intrude'.

Maybe someday I pick pink over black..not!
Maybe someday I pick red over black..possibly.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

It's true.

I remember Trishi's birthday party as being one of the best nights ever,yes.

So now that D is leaving for Germany for 6months and we need to make it a night ti remember for her, guess what we'll do?

The same thing that we did on 16-09-10; Trishi's birthday party!

It's almost cute how amidst all the talks and thoughts of growing up and freedom and better choices, we ourselves restrict ourselves to do anything but the ordinary. 

It's the same old routine :

>Guys we don't know as much, that we call them to D's farewell party, have been called to drive us around.

>A RadioCab has been booked

>Dresses decided.

>Stories tallied 

And some more...

Maybe one day we go for a trip to the jungle to celebrate...not!

Maybe one day we go to the zoo just for the kicks..possibly.

Will miss you D :)

If there is one person on the face of the earth that I would want to live as, if not myself, it's you.

Also, Kevin loves me.

And he's marrying me.

What'ya gonna do, huh?

HUH? 

She Talks To the Wind

Claire Dunphy (from Modern Family, on her mother): 

You know how growing up we all have that voice inside our head that tells us we're not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head driving me to school...

Now let's replace the 'mother' with 'father' and let's get real and establish that there has hardly ever been any 'driving me to school'; that would pretty much give you the story of my life.

I remember this one distant afternoon when I was being told in rather beautiful words and actions about my worthlessness in the world, in general. I remember the afternoon because it had made me cry after, what seemed like, a century. 

Even though I tried, a little tear rolled down while he was looking at me. 

"Shit! Sometimes I REALLY do screw up!", I thought then.

I walked out of the house after and thought the 'bad' of the day was already over.

Through her car window's glass, I smiled at her.

She smiled back.

I sat in the car and she was the first person who had ever got my actual mood without knowing the story.

"What's wrong?", she said.

And just like that, in that one second, I knew;

Yes. 

My father exists. 

But so does Niharika :)

I had seen her after her haircut that day. After really really long.

'The day won't suck as much now, maybe', I thought.

It didn't., she made sure.

It's been almost year, I think; 

I still don't know her. She doesn't let me. I respect that. At least, I try really hard to. She's the only one out of the three million people I know who makes me feel like a stalker. I have to fight a lot of my natural instincts only to not bombard her with my presence all the time via the damn cellphone! It's harder than in sounds, really.

Nevertheless, 

I don't think I will ever get over the fact that I intimidate(d?) her!

I don't think I will ever get over the fact that what made me want to stalk her in the first place was 'Gupt'.

I don't think I will ever get over the fact that they didn't serve her booze at TGIF 'cause she's underage. Hahahahahahah. And how she totally blamed it on me. The pizza was nice, though.

Thank you for having crappy pizzas with me all the time.

Thank you (even more) for ze divine elbow.

She doesn't take my calls.

She doesn't reply to texts.

She thinks I am a cheat.

She makes me wait, only to not show up in the end.

She doesn't think of me; not much, anyway.

But she came for my birthday. 

And stayed till the end.

Even though it sucked for her, she stayed.

I am going to thank her for that always.

When she walked in (overtly dressed up, might I add :P), I swear it was the happiest I had ever been. 

Okay. Maybe not. But that moment easily figures in my 'Top Five Happiest Moments In Life'.

It does!

I like how she lets me hold on to her arm and walk around.

I like how she makes fun of other short people while I hold on to her arm and walk around.

I like how she finds me every time I get lost 

I like how she allows for all the elbow touching I put her through.

I like how she remembers that I remembered her chappals some day,one thousand years ago!

I like how she calls me a 'different generation'.

I like how she sometimes makes time for me.

I think my cigarettes taste better with her.

If only we'd decide to watch better movies too. Sigh. :P

Oh well, Hariyaliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

I hope you're feeling happy today!

Because I Love You.

P.S- You beautiful smelling person, I NEED a picture with you.

P.P.S-  'I Talk To The Wind'- King Crimson is the song that makes me think of you. Always.

Guilty.

So the movie+dinner didn't remain just that.

I have sinned.
Guilty as charged.
Sorry?
Regretful?
Ashamed?

Aloof.

It's cooler to feel anything than be this distant, really.

Till more untainted times...

P.S- Always believe that particular guy who once called you selfish/deceiving/deceitful and remember that even though it hurt like hell back then, he was probably right.

"P.S... Guess what? "

I think you are finally put under the same header as 'Grown Ups' when your mother officially allows a drunken marathon of a House party at your house and voluntarily chooses to stay away for the day!
Greatest Party Ever?
I think so.

Few reasons why I am going to remember this for a while...

• It was at MY house :D
• He-Man came :) :) :) And helped me clean later and was, I think, the only 'sober' guy at the party.
• Jaya and Preeto might win awards for Absent-ism
• I have a hickey from the party and the who/when of the matter remain unknown.
• I had to un-clog my sink off Denzil's puke *throws up a little*
• I got very high
• It's been only two days since, yes; but people haven't shut up about it yet so yay. 

The good life.

It would have been even better had life included slight dozes of studying, less mental complications, very little melancholy, Niharika, great food, no body weight, lots of money, less classes, more winters, no stalkers..

I am half serious about the last one. Stalkers make me feel important.

Yes, I am a lame person.

Sigh.

Infidelity? Unacceptable.

There are no claims of being a Saint, here. The Universe knows I have slipped and flawed a lot more often than I should be allowed to. However, if there's one thing that I was never going to be okay with was infidelity. The line that divides 'promiscuity' and 'infidelity' maybe thin, alright; but it still exists. The choice of meaningless physical intimacy without emotional vulnerability is one thing, cheating in a committed relationship is quite another. To each their own, yes but ethical grounds should never be marginalized to a level too low.

So we've gotten back to talking since a few days now; Ro and I. It's all new and nice; the butterflies in the tummy are a little limited since we've been through this a few years back. There are some changes, obviously, between then and now. Both of us have matured, perceptions have changed, we want different things now, food habits, wardrobe...relationship status. 

Ya. SO he has a girlfriend now. 'In a relationship' since a year and going strong. 

It isn't a not known fact, that for him to have lasted this long with any girl is a huge deal and I am very happy for him. I really am. Only, I am not too sure about his sudden change of affiliations towards me. The fact that I know the girl-in-question in person, doesn't make matters easier, either. The fact that he keeps passing most of my little 'tests' that I sneakily slip in every now and then, is also not cool, given the scenario. 

To wash my hands off it, I can very conveniently say that I am not the one bound by a relationship and hence I am not at fault. But that would be a lie. 

Doesn't it make me equally guilty if I go ahead with things, well aware of the facts just stated?

I think it does.

I know it does.

In my defense, in all the conversations and time spending over the last few days I have consciously brought up  questions and general things about ze girlfriend which, very sneakingly, he's avoided, changed topic, same ol' same ol'.. 

Predictability bores me the most! Yawn. 

After listening to some eccentric (read: inappropriate) plans by him on his idea of spending the weekend with me, I settled for a movie+dinner 'outing' and not 'date' this Saturday. I figured that being friends I am supposed to spend friendly time with my friends and that is exactly what we're gonna do-

Watch movie, throw pop corn at each other, talk, eat food, come back.

It's as simple.

It's not like it can't happen; I am going to make it happen for nothing else but for the fact that infidelity is unacceptable.

Always was. Always will be.

Existing.

So this 'being off Facebook' thing isn't going down with me as well as I thought it would.
Nevertheless, I am fighting all my natural urges to activate my account and doing other things to occupy all the time in the world that I am suddenly exposed to minus Facebook.
Yes. All claims of Facebook having taken over our lives are, in fact, true.
It is very very VERY hard to resist this particular 'global disease'.

They ask me why I am so addicted.
I don't have any answer that doesn't reduce me to sounding like yet another attention seeking wannabe emo person. I wouldn't have had qualms about this perception if only it was true. It isn't attention seeking at all.

It's a weird feeling; waking up to an empty house.
It's a weird feeling; not having someone giving you breakfast.
It's a weird feeling; when the first thing you do in the morning is to be by yourself.
It's a weird feeling; when it's too early to call anyone on their phone.
It's a weird feeling; waking up to an empty house.

So then there's Facebook. The world never seems to sleep there. There's people galore at all times of the day. People who share statuses, messages, pictures, notes...a slice of their lives with you at that hour of the day when you really think you got no one else.
And they ask me why I am so addicted...

Facebook! I miss you, lover.

*Sky*

I don't have as many friends! I don't! Maybe slightly more in number than what YOU do, but that's not a lot. Regardless, I know who my friends and that makes me quite content with my life. I am a 'social' person; whatever that means, but that's that. I do not see why I must be apologetic about it. This has been a point of concern of not only YOU but also of most of my friends. I fail to understand how it's a fault.

Last night YOU chose to make an appearance in my life after over two months now, only to scream at me for no apparent reason. I can't believe I took it, it's very unlike me. So I'm not pissed that you assumed this authority over me that you really don't possess, but I'm pissed that I was bothered even though I can't place you in anything else but a big bubble of in-consequentiality.

'You have too many friends and that makes you a cunning person; you are cold-hearted; you don't respect me or my love for you; you are not a real person but a projection that people seem to like'- these seemed to be the general areas of your anger/frustration.
Your explanation to having taken so much time in saying such beautiful things to me was that you were intimidated and were gathering courage to say it to my face! Really now. I am not that cool! Maybe intimidating is one of my 'things', strangely so.

I need constant validation from people and approval from the people who matter. The fact that I end up doing exactly what I want in the end is a different story, but I am very anxious about some opinions.
Does that make me a bad person? I don't know.
Does that make me emotionally unavailable and disrespectful of love? I don't think so.
I don't know where the fault lies, really. I don't want to waste any time of my life finding out.

Facebook has always been very important to me. As lame as it may sound, it's true. There's no helping that and there's no explainable logic to it. I am addicted and it's just as hard to quit as smoking is.
After a very long time, I did something to prove a point to someone else but me; I am off Facebook.

I can see how most people will not/do not think of it as a big step but for me it is. It is huge and extremely life defining. Hell, I had to smoke slightly more than the usual the second I deactivated my account. :P Habbits are hard to kick, especially the bad ones.

Will I be lying if I said that YOUR call had nothing to do with it?
Yes.
Will I be lying if I said that YOUR call was the only reason to do it?
Yes.
Will I be lying if I said that I don't miss Facebook already?
YES!

Maybe it is time for a change.
Maybe it is time to give up one of the addictions.
Maybe one day I will give up smoking.
Maybe one day I will give up thinking about him.
Maybe one day I will hug my dad like I mean it.
Maybe one day sex will become more than just sex, again.
Maybe one day I will give up my phone too.
Maybe one day the world will be okay about me having more then one person I like to call my best friend.

It's true;
I have many friends.
I have the friends I want and there's no changing that.
Not yet, anyway.