Saturday, November 28, 2015

I'm Definitely Blogging Again!

So I spent my Sunday morning reading some very old posts on this blog. What it did was that it took me back in time. I smiled about things I hadn't in a while, I thought about people I'd blocked from my memory, random incidents came back to me and then I realized - I need to document my life again - or the lack of it.

My blog turned 5 in Feb this year! Happy birthday, baby. I love you. I really do. 

Love.

Everyone wants to believe in love. It sells. 

Regret.

I do live with one major regret - losing her because of my own doing. How could I let a decade of pure love and trust crumble to shreds just like that? What was I thinking? Was it just the need for "excitement"? Was it just the need for a story? I hope not. 

I've not had the guts to speak about this with anybody either. I feel like over time I've tried and blocked the memories in a way that even I don't remember for sure what exactly happened. Is that a healthy way of dealing with things? Who is to say?

The whole thing really did change me though. It started with the acute self realization of being a horrible person. If I could do it to her, why was anyone to trust me for anything at all? Slowly but surely that turned into a conscious decision of living a life I was more proud of. To go out of my way to ensure that nothing I do hurts anyone in an irreparable way. 

I've always maintained that none of the amazing things that have happened to me in the last decade would've happened if it wasn't for her. I still have her picture up on my wall because I can't possibly throw it away. Or her. She is still listed as my sister on Facebook, for crying out loud! And even now, I'd drop everything and tend to her if she ever needs me. 

I think about him and her every now and then and I hope that after all the drama, at least they've found the love and compassion to be with each other. I heard from someone the other day that he hates me and wants to kill me and somehow, I didn't even feel bad. It's been so long that his hatred seems like a small bargain for their happiness. And none of this is me being a martyr. 

Don't understand the point of writing any of this down. I guess it needed to get it out of my system. And this is the first time in years that I've found the gumption to do so. 

I guess all I really am is terribly sorry - to him, to everyone else who had to suffer without being at fault and mostly to her because she was my entire life. And I get that she might never want to forgive me... because I can't forgive myself either. 

Should I Get Back On The Dating Scene?

I think I'm going to get back on the dating scene.

I used to be so good at it! And the false sense of validation would really rock my socks. I don't know how or when I just got off it. I think it happened because I got into a serious relationship with this woman I love and after that didn't work out, an annoying fuck aka Rebound Guy was part of my life exclusively. When that ended, I was on and off Tinder to get laid every now and then, but the zest for finding someone to have fun with just ended. Not that I'm looking for the "someone to have fun with" just yet, but I could do with some exciting dinner plans, heavy drinking and deep yet meaningless conversations with strangers.

I've never really been scared of strangers I think. I guess that happened when the "familiar" has never really worked out in your favour. 

Stoned Face.

I like my face when I'm stoned
Somehow the skin glows. Radiates more like. And the bloodshot eyes add a little color.
The lips shine just a little bit as they hold onto the last bit of moisture in their mouth
The mole under my eye seems prominent
And I see how my front teeth may discolor soon
Don't know what it is about it?
Maybe the calm
Maybe the stability
Maybe the music
Maybe the friendship
Maybe everything I never had
But I like my face when I'm stoned.