Saturday, November 28, 2015

Regret.

I do live with one major regret - losing her because of my own doing. How could I let a decade of pure love and trust crumble to shreds just like that? What was I thinking? Was it just the need for "excitement"? Was it just the need for a story? I hope not. 

I've not had the guts to speak about this with anybody either. I feel like over time I've tried and blocked the memories in a way that even I don't remember for sure what exactly happened. Is that a healthy way of dealing with things? Who is to say?

The whole thing really did change me though. It started with the acute self realization of being a horrible person. If I could do it to her, why was anyone to trust me for anything at all? Slowly but surely that turned into a conscious decision of living a life I was more proud of. To go out of my way to ensure that nothing I do hurts anyone in an irreparable way. 

I've always maintained that none of the amazing things that have happened to me in the last decade would've happened if it wasn't for her. I still have her picture up on my wall because I can't possibly throw it away. Or her. She is still listed as my sister on Facebook, for crying out loud! And even now, I'd drop everything and tend to her if she ever needs me. 

I think about him and her every now and then and I hope that after all the drama, at least they've found the love and compassion to be with each other. I heard from someone the other day that he hates me and wants to kill me and somehow, I didn't even feel bad. It's been so long that his hatred seems like a small bargain for their happiness. And none of this is me being a martyr. 

Don't understand the point of writing any of this down. I guess it needed to get it out of my system. And this is the first time in years that I've found the gumption to do so. 

I guess all I really am is terribly sorry - to him, to everyone else who had to suffer without being at fault and mostly to her because she was my entire life. And I get that she might never want to forgive me... because I can't forgive myself either. 

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