Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Regret.

I have forgotten how to write. And to dance. 

The One.

My life's biggest truth has been my love for this particular man. He was the first boy to have ever made me feel things and I always secretly hoped he'd be the last man to do so too. Many men and one spectacular woman were kind enough to indulge me and my idiosyncrasies after him, but he remained... lurked in the background almost.

You know how after a point you're not around people, but around versions of them that suit you. Like, your boyfriend may not be the best sex you've had, but you pretend like he is. I think I did that with this man - created a version of him in my head that always comforted me when need be. We'd always talk like no time has passed, he'd always fuck me as if he absolutely knew the moulds of my breasts, I'd smoke doobs with him and really feel the highest I've ever felt each time. It was is love!

Like I said, my life's biggest truth has been my love this particular man. Love so profound that all I've ever wanted is for him to be happy - with or without me. That's why when I was told that he's practically engaged to get married to this girl (who has nothing on me, I feel!), I was overwhelmed. As painful as it was for me, I think I took it quite well. I believed after years of fucking around, the love of my life deserves to settle down with who he sees fit. But she broke up with you this year after 4 long years, but he didn't tell me.

You know the most fucked up part? I just knew! I don't know how, but I just knew he had broken up. What the fuck does that say about us?