Thursday, April 7, 2011

Stochastic.

I am majorly disoriented, of late. 
'Majorly' is not a real English word. It's slang for 'extremely'. 
Even 'mentality' isn't a real English word. It's like I have been sold a lie.
It sucks to be sold lies.
It sucks, even more, to be told lies.
Lies have never really been my 'thing'. 
It becomes too much to remember; too much of a responsibility.
Responsibility has never been my 'thing'.
It's a funny word, 'thing'. It's convenient, for starters.
Also, it puts across your point to the disinterested.
It's used randomly without cause or center.
The central alignment?
I think it's my quest to find the center. In life, generally.
This French philosopher dude named Derrida had interesting things to say regarding the center.
He said to define the center, one must define what is not-the-center. 
It works on the concept of the 'other' being responsible for identification and definition of an individual. 
Like, what is Black?
That, which is not white.
White is intimidating for me. It's too pure for my liking. Too fucking spotless.
It doesn't have stories to tell. 
It doesn't seem like it has stories to tell;
that's what is intimidating. The 'seeming' part.
It's a bloody appearance.
Appearance, we're all obsessed with.
I know I am. 
And I'm not even talking about the physical one. I'm more on the lines of the damn 'masks'.
The masks we wear are probably lots of fun.
They should be.
Otherwise, I see no reason for us all to be wearing them all the time.
It's all about the masquerade balls.
'Balls' are demeaning. No?
Men may jolly well debate about the presence or absence of 'balls of steel';
 but us women?
'Guts', 'Courage'... far more gender neutral.
Guts over Balls, any day.
Days pass me by like a blink of the eye.
It's got to be something to be this unproductive for days together.
'Together Forever'-- I used to love the super corny phrase.
And then life happened.
What is it about Utopian ideas of love that fade away?
Sooner or Later?
'Later' hasn't ever been my sign off.
It's way too impersonal. And abrupt.
I don't think it's warm enough; leaves an awkward taste.
Speaking of taste, I absolutely need good food. N-E-E-D.
I have been the eat-out/take-away girl for as long as I can remember.
The ever-so-popular 'ghar ka khaanaa' isn't my favourite cuisine.
At least not for some years to come.
You know what rhymes with 'come'? Rum.
It's been a while I had rum.  Exactly a week today.
Out of all of my 'substances', I like the flavour of rum the most.
Apart from its quality of getting me high.
I got high in the auto today morning.
The smell of weed makes auto drivers suspicious-looking.
Looking at people around is like a drug in itself.
It gets you high sometimes.
And sometimes, like now, it gets you down.
My lethargic, pathetic, melancholy self seems to have gotten the better of me.
Me? I am majorly disoriented, of late.
'Majorly' is not a real English word. It's slang for 'extremely'. 
Even 'mentality' isn't a real English word. It's like I have been sold a lie.
It sucks to be sold lies.
It sucks, even more, to be told lies.
Lies have never really been my 'thing'. 
It becomes too much to remember; too much of a responsibility.
Responsibility has nev...


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