Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Holding you close, chasing the moon...

It was Lohri, January, 2006.
Like every year, everyone who was going through a very bad patch courtesy nothing in particular had masked all anxiety to participate in the community celebration. I am usually a happy person, who isn't? That time, I wasn't. Sadly so.

There I was, smiling lamely at the fifty thousand people I didn't give a shit about. I remember being dressed up to lift my mood.
I didn't feel alone, just very lonely.
I didn't feel ugly, just not beautiful.
I wanted to cry. Actually, I think I wanted to kill the entire race around me, I'm not sure. It was such a long time ago.

Through the corner of my eye, I could see him looking at me. Clearly, my attempts of feigning the fun i was not having, failed. It grew more and more awkward, since we hadn't spoken since we quit being 'us' and became 'him and me'. It was strange because the last time I had been this sad was because of him. Funny, how every time something screws up, you think it's the worse you will ever have to face, until something crappier comes along! Anyway, newer elements were making my life a living hell, back then.

He text me; "See me behind *R's* house in two."
Ah. The commanding. 
The assumption of the right he had over me, still.
The fact that he did.

I went.

He was there.

I walked up to him. Shivering. The cold had very little to do with it.
He looked at me. Didn't smile. Didn't speak.
The tension grew stronger.

He did it then. He hugged me. Held me for many many many seconds. I was breathing into him. I cried a little bit too. He just kept holding me; really tight. 
There wasn't any romantic inkling, really. However, the loud, crass Punjabi Lohri music in the background started sounding like jazz.
After an entire two minutes, he let go.
We walked back to join the celebration again. We didn't talk, almost as if to induce drama. We didn't talk all night.

Later, i left him a message saying "Thank You", hoping that he won't be a jerk and ask me what for.
He didn't.
I will always be indebted to him.





Over the years, we have been kindred spirits, for real.
And then, last night he told me 'I just love the way you hug me'. I gushed so much I could cry just thinking about it. I almost wanted to say it back with so much more passion.
I didn't.
We know what we have. Almost clearly. Mostly, anyway.


Holding someone tight, if you ask me, is the most underrated action in the universe.