Barely Breathing.

Okay. So I've been eating a lot, anyway. But for whatever's it's worth, I haven't been having as much junk as I did until last week so that's got to be a good thing! Also, exercise and lots of dancing is on; so that should be a little helpful too, if nothing else.
The Great Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes) said once, "Realities continue to ruin my life"- I couldn't agree more at this point and time.

To start with, it is December. I love winters and December is my particularly favourite month too. However, December with all it's madness, partying, laziness and the works is soon followed by the dreaded January- the month of the College Home Exams.

When you're in Delhi University and your attendance and other assignment submission records aren't exactly something to flaunt, the least you can do is clear all the internals with a slight tinge of respectability(to ask for anything more is going to be rather far fetched). The fact that after my 12th board exams, the course I opted for was that of English Honours Programme in DU isn't comforting at all. How am I ever going to do anything in life if I can't manage the pressure and stress that comes along in the journey to becoming a Graduate, alone? So much for wanting to be a responsible adult with a focus in life and rocking it while she's at it. Here's the deal : English isn't Math. Apart from Math being completely unnecessary and boring, it is also objective. English, on the other hand, is about points of view, critical analysis, awareness. So while 2+2=4 and nothing else but that;  while reading a book I need to know about not only the book, but the author and his life and the friends he had and the affairs he enjoyed and the history of the time and the political power play of the era... bah!- Subtext to the whole thing : I am screwed.

Today : 1st December.
Date of first exam : 3rd January.
Days left: 33
Books to read: 16
Mental status: ..........

So new challenge for the month apart from the quest to lose the paunch is, obviously, studying! Studying like mad! It's at times like this when one realizes that it's not like this is difficult but impossible. My biggest need at this present second is for someone to tell me the fuck from where I begin!!! The world would be so much easier without technology- Yes Yes! I am talking to you, Facebook, Blogger, YouTube, TV and Cellphone!!! You don't let me study. Also, the splash of social life that I seem to be living with is almost like a necessary evil.
Breathing is getting problematic. For real.

Move your ass, go berserk! Eat your salad, no dessert! Sigh.

If you come to think of it, it's no coincidence that 'women' and 'weight' start with the same letter. Really.
I am not one to generalize, but let's, for sake of convenience, acknowledge the fact that most women obsess about weight.
Thin ones want to get still thinner; some of that clan want to gain some flesh. Fat women (acceptingly or otherwise) want to have all the fat on them sucked out almost magically. The battle is unending; Women v/s Weight.

I would like to believe that I have been rather comfortable in my skin for most of it, anyway. Not skinny, yes but I have swung back and forth into my various weight phases from slender to not so to back with a lot of ease. Days of lives have consisted of being completely maniacal about losing weight to giving up and reaching for the last slice of pizza even after finishing my portions of lasagna,tikkas, pasta and the likes. I've exhibited some rather extreme behaviour depending on the mood, season and general happenings in life within the framework of being happy, sad and all that in between.

Current Phase : Got.To.Lose.Weight.Asap.Especially.For.New.Year's.Eve.

Yes. So when you are not exactly tall (read: short!) and are rather well endowed in the chest-al  region (sigh!), the last thing you can have on your self is a paunch, which really is just an almost cute way of calling a very unflattering lump of flesh growing ON your otherwise normal stomach. I wouldn't have alloted any blog space to this issue at all, if it was any other time of the year but this. Not only is it winters but all the major parties are round the corner; December Baby! All dresses which show off my rather well crafted legs (*touch wood* :P :P) would go for a mega toss because the strategically placed attention one places on the cleavage and legs would be hogged by the damn paunch.

It would be a little too ambitious to think that I would be normal-sized for all December parties (Sigh!) but there is a rather 'achievable' target with a rather 'do-able' plan of action (*fingers crossed*)-
Here's the deal:
CHALLENGE : To fit into a sweater dress that would like to be worn by yours truly this new years.
DEADLINE FOR WEIGHT CHECK: 25th December, 2010.
METHOD: Walking, Running. Dancing (THANK GOD!!!) No junk

Given my less than average will power and extreme pangs of laziness, this will be very very very hard. Not a sexist, but a Girl's got to do what a Girl's got to do, right?

Bye bye life, hello Hell!

So.Lets.Do.This.
Amen.

So take a moment- coz it feels so good.

'Being Alone' had never really been one of my 'things'. I never enjoyed being by myself. I was always awkward by myself, especially if it's out in the public.

I could never see myself as being that peaceful looking woman I saw sipping coffee at Costa by herself with only a book as company; or the one who steps out of a mall accompanied only by some big shopping bags and no person. There have been times when I have had to be reminded about food on my table because I was so dumbstruck by the woman who was eating lunch by herself at the adjacent one. For me, even the distance from my house to the nearest Department Store (which is about 2mins walking) had to be covered with someone on the phone.

Could never do it, until very recently. I discovered this whole new dimension to being on my own. It's liberating, the feeling. Now, I like to take days off from other people to be with me and me alone. When you know a little over one million people and are (as I was called recently and I loved the tag) 'A non-gilded butterfly', the time off is a necessity 

Today was one of those days.

I watched Guzarish today in the morning- Beautiful- That would be understating it. I cry in movies, I feel too much while I watch them. I remember there was a time when my parents were purely anxious of letting me watch any sad cinema because I would, apparently, spend more days than one pondering over that film. Needlessly to say, I cried in this one too. But a LOT. Each frame induced in me so many emotions, and no, they weren't only that of pain but also of hope and happiness, strangely. The movie was watched via my pink but tear-stained spectacles. A.Must.Watch.It.Is.

Next I took an auto to destination two. I sat inside the vehicle like a zombie..still shedding a few tear drops here and there. 

Lame? Tell me about it.

So the auto guy shook me almost literally and dropped me off at the Taj Palace, Delhi.Yeah. I can be quite the pricey little bitch every now and then. So after elaborate fancy checking I entered. You can't go to a five star and come back without spending some quality time in the 'Ladies Room'. I did too, only to thank my stars. Turns out all the crying I had indulged in had left major signs on my face. New kajal came to rescue and I dolled self up a little bit. Next stop? Kafe Fontana,Taj :D

They asked me if I wanted to have the lunch buffet. I made very grown up faces as if contemplating the idea and then politely smiled and refused. It comes with a sweet price tag of Rs,!700 + taxes. A little too out of league. So I ordered Chicken Shawarma and some Tea. I am usually more adventurous with my drinks but my beautiful winter afternoon ( And It Had Also Rained :) :) :) :) ) demanded a little warmth for my throat. The food was nice and the Chai was exceptionally soothing. I kept picturing myself in the head- I must be looking like this rather confident person sipping her tea as she enjoys the window view and smiles thinking of happy things. So sorted. So peaceful. So grown up. The truth was that the picture I was painting in my head was not far from reality. I was feeling rather good about myself at the moment. The very very very polite staff made my day even more. All the investment in the Hospitality Industry, I think, is worthwhile.
All this @ Rs. 840/-
A little steep, yes.
Money well spent, yes.

I am also going to write a little bit about what I was wearing. Clearly, I am a little too pleased with myself, still.
I was wearing a very pretty white cardigan which is a very big deal because I am a compulsive black clothes wearer. With that, I wore a rather tiny dark brown skirt teames with black stockings. Skirts are my new love for some reason, all over again. I want to wear them for the rest of my life now. Stockings because there is no better way to not feel bad about not waxing in winters. Since I feel naked without black on me, I took a black stole along. With a cute bag and chappals to match, I was ready to go. I am turning wayyyy to much of a girl for my liking, suddenly. Sigh.

Still in high spirits, before getting home I stopped at my favourite salon and got myself a long overdue trim. I walked home in the soft drizzle.

Rains and winters- together or separately- there's no getting over them. Not yet, anyway :)

"She steals my clothes to wear to work I know - her hairs are on my shirts"

If only I had ten bucks for every time I was asked 'Do you ever miss being in a relationship?', I would easily be a very very very rich individual by now. That way it would be a lot less annoying answering the damn question.

I don't understand the fixation, really. I understand how it may have been over a year since I the last time someONE was 'officially' my boyfriend but I haven't really been a state of drought post it, you know? I've dated, yes. I have been with people, yes. I have been happy, yes. I have been receiver of love, attention and all that, yes. I have had my share of 'turning people down', yes. Then why must my decision of remaining ....errr.... not single but..or...okay; let's call it that; my decision of remaining single- why must it be the reason for so much stir?

'Single' is a highly debatable term, really. How can anyone be 'single' ever actually? There would always and I mean ALWAYS some sort of emotional or physical (or both) inkling or attachment to atleast one person at a given point o time. So then are you really single single? I don't know what to call it. Somehow, the 'it's complicated' tag is too cliche to figure in my books. A full blown Relationship is a big deal and I see no reason that justifies anyone's questioning anyone else's need or choice of taking a sabbatical from it. So when my attempts of sounding polite while making my point seem potential failures, I let my trump card out; 'What is it that you have when you're 'with someone' and didn't when you weren't?' The general answer to the same : 'It's nice to know that your presence in someone's life makes them happy. I get to have sexual intercourse. And it's a happy feeling mostly.' 

Am I missing something? I know people who are glad that I am part of their lives. I have lots of sex. I am sufficiently happy too. So where's the catch? Nowhere, really. I have had my share of 'relationships' for now and I have had my share of the drama and excitement and the hurt it brings along with it. I have had some very nice men in my life all these years and some very nice ones still; why must I have to 'be in a relationship' to enjoy their company and more? I have always cracked up at this quote I had read by Janis Joplin a while ago, 'Oh Lord, won't you send me someone nice to flirt with? Someone really cute who I won't get hurt with?'

But, like, right now. It's such a nice weather; winters! I truly genuinely believe that all the romance of any kind we have been fed over these years across books, movies and all that has been inspired by this very weather. Rain eroticism came much later, I believe. I smell beautiful in winters all the time; it's unreal how I do but it's true- All The Fucking Time! My hair decides to behave especially well during this time. Also, I have bought some beautiful clothes and beautiful-er lingerie this season which, almost automatically, paves the way for some very passionate action.

We hooked up this Saturday. Ross and I. Amidst all the cooking, laughter, conversation, sex, leg pulling, plans and secret sharing, there is one thing I know for sure now- I need a boyfriend only so that I can wear his shirt over my tiny shorts and jump all around his apartment. There is nothing more cheering and satisfying; Nothing else that brings real joy to the heart.

This is the only time I am going to say this ever, but...

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I am almost waiting for the summer, this time. I am going to wear his shirt over my tiny shorts and feel happy from the inside all the time. It's gratifying, this feeling of being wrapped around by someone you have a twisted-ly awesome past, twisted-ly pleasing present and a very twisted-ly questionable future. :P 

The title is a line from 'City Love' by John Mayer. I thought it fit rather well, this idea of stealing your guy's clothes. The fact that it's also a beautiful song makes it even cooler.

Mind is Tiffany-twisted, She's got the Mercedes bends

'Hotel California' by the Eagles is a classic. It is a huge deal coming from me because music isn't particularly my thing. As shocking as it may be I don't have music playing on my laptop every time I switch it on, I don't think I need to be listening to a particular playlist when I'm in the car and a different playlist when I'm in the bus; you get the drift, right? Music isn't really my thing. Hence, my 'list' of songs is rather select and, if I may say so myself, classic. No, no snob comments here; I am a hardcore Bollywood-only listener too. That's what MTV plays. Apart from that, It's all very Hotel California and Alice.

Regardless, this post is about my Tiffany twisted mind and my Mercedes bends. Yes, contrary to popular belief, it's Bends and not Benz.
I had read somewhere a while back that the song talked about how materialism traps people. The reference to Tiffany is about the famous jewelery store.'Bends' is used in the sense of the weakening condition; also, as a Bend (hindrance) to progress, courtesy the material trap. Even California, as a state, is a symbol of good life and prosperity.
Ever read so much into a song? If it's not the English Undergraduate student in me talking.

After this reading, I always thought I fit the bill completely with my Tiffany twisted mind and Mercedes bends. "We are living in a material world and I am a material girl."; Madonna sure knew what she was talking about. For me, holidays, for example, were all about going to pretty places, staying at pretty hotels, looking pretty, doing pretty things; basically an epitome of prettiness were what my ideal holidays were. None of that trekking, getting dirty, not caring what to wear, not spending too much money, travelling cheap; it never worked for me.
Never, until a this Sunday.

It was A's time to go back to her forsaken Dehradoon plays. The fun week was over. Hence, we decided to go along with her for a day. It was all good until the 'we' reduced to 'I' as the others couldn't come due to xyz reasons. Now, I am not particularly a travel person, even less so when in a bus to a place I know nothing about.. Still, a friend is a friend is a friend. I decided to go along.

Took metro till the bus station, which is really far. Now 10pm in the night at Delhi for three girls unaccompanied by anything male isn't the safest bet, really.  We got ourselves the tickets, A, her roommate and I were sufficiently equipped by now in our AC Deluxe Delhi to Doon bus. I felt very cool having taken up this endeavor.

Delhi Bus Station Departure : 22:30 hrs
We met this group of five boys in the bus- lots of fun followed. They were very sweet and lively people and all this without the hints of creepiness or bad intentions. For some reason, the three of us without any prior discussion, fake name-ed them. It was very silly, yes. But it would have been sillier to correct them after they passed our 'Is He Creepy' test. So A, Roommate and I were Sanjana, Ahana and Aira, respectively. The seven hour journey saw us sleeping, talking, laughing, eating, drinking (whiskey in thums up with the boys :P) etc. The chai and smoke we caught in the 20min break the bus took were truly special.
Dehradoon Bus Station Arrival : 4:50 hrs.

I had changed to boxers in the train (yaa.I've always been brave when it came to public changing!) and 4:50hrs, Dehradoon is very cold. I had fallen in love, already!

After an epic of a trip with all things special and fun, I returned. Alone.

I never thought I had it in me to manage it. The bus broke down on the way, our money was returned, I had to board a random bus to Delhi; all on my own. I befriended this boy, Abhijeet who was on his way to Indore for some sport trials; we talked together, laughed together, slept together (errr..on our respective bus seats) and flirted shamelessly in Bengali. Reaching Delhi, he was also fake number-ed by yours truly, obviously! I ate at McDonalds all by myself and then took a metro and further an auto and reached home.

All in all, I think the trip has made me appreciative of things that are not necessarily gilded, sparkled and Tifany-ed. I liked this whole 'on my own' endeavour. I am way to dependent on people and things, it's true. But now, at least once in a while, I can shake off some Mercedes bends off me and become a cooler person.
Amen to that! (Not a god believer. Don't think his name should enjoy the status of starting with a capital letter. More about that, some other time!)

'Hotel California' by the Eagles is a classic.
 

I'll just end up walkin' In the cold November rain

It is unreal how much a simple and short walk in the winters can do for you. Okay, make that a stoned and long walk. As has been stated over and over previously on many a occasions, I love winters and everything about it, including these long random walks I take sans any reason. Helps you gain a perspective, about nothing in particular. That's the beauty of it.

What happened last night, I have vague memories about. My best friend A's parents very bravely decided to go out of town for a wedding. I have always failed to understand the willingness and resources that people possess to attend weddings. Where do they get so much energy from? Regardless, we had an empty house! No crazy open-to-all house party happened and that made me very happy. Here's the thing about such parties; you end up having faded memories of no relevance or consequence with people who hold no relevance or consequence in your life. Hence, in a closed 'event' of sorts, it was just us. Us, painting nails and talking about love, life and all that over glasses of rum,vodka and whiskey. I love when conversations just flow between people effortlessly. The occasional joint and the innocent smokes just added to the ambiance as music played in the background. In the end, as tradition has guided us over the years, we watched 'Mean Girls' and dozed off.A very good night it was.

So friend, A had a very important Law Conference today morning at 9am which was mandatory for her to attend. Why we planned one of our high escapades the night before, is beyond me. With great powers comes great responsibilities; the power of the empty house brought with it the responsibility of getting up on time, cleaning and disposing off all the unwanted elements A's parents won't be too pleased to see and then leave the house, courtesy the damn Conference.Hungover, we managed to get out.
I reached close to my house, I realized that going home in the condition I was in wouldn't have been the wisest choice. So I decided to catch a movie.

Ya. So half asleep and half drunk, I bought myself a ticket and sat for Golmal-3. No. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. Almost funny. After that, I bought myself a ticket for Due Date. EPIC!! It was hilarious. After that, I thought I might as well see The Social Network and get it over with, already.
Yes. I tend to get carried away more than I should.
So after my rather satisfying movie marathon experience, I headed home.

The winter chill hit me then, the first of this year.

I noticed how it had rained. I almost felt cheated as I had missed it. Nevertheless, I deserved 'my' time. Since the last month, maybe, I have been socializing like mad! Rather, I have had to socialize like mad! It may sound like a very vain thing to say but it's true; it is a pain in the ass to know too many people  and the pain reaches another level of most of the five million people you know don't hate you. Ever heard anything weirder? I, sometimes, almost want to be hated a little... Not hated, just not fussed over, maybe.
Anyway, I decided to light up one of the left joints and take a walk.
And then I walked.
I walked across blocks, roads, puddles, houses.....
Thought about the world. Thought less, pondered more. I think,
Out of the eight thousand and fifty seven things that crossed that little mind of mine, two have managed to stay there still:

1. I am a leeetle toooo indecisive, Indecisive to the extent of being annoying and highly irrational. Must learn to focus, maybe.
2. T does not have any black tops/t-shirts. This is not normal! Especially when you are best friends with yours truly Obsessive Compulsive Black Clothes Wearer.

Cheers to the 'November Rain'.. Here's to many more to come :)

Those were the days...

I am going through a major 'We-are-too-old-for...' and 'We-are-old-enough-to...' phase. Here goes...

• We are old enough to drink without occasion. Our will to drink and the ability to drink are not parallel emotions anymore. We plan our drinking escapades and go to places, pretty and ugly, to connect conversationally over drinks with friends (and foes). Gone are the days of secret cheap booze bottle that had to be guarded with one's life and opened only when the world slept and we were in the confines of a friend's locked room whose parents slept like babies.

• We are too old for showing unnecessary skin. This year new years eve, we won't be wearing skimpy outfits that revealed more than it concealed, only to the excitement o everything male around and to the envy of their female counterparts. This year it's all about the sweaters and jackets and coats and la la la. BORING!!!! Nothing like a bit of drama on a very very very cold new years' eve. Maybe, I will still show some leg. Maybe not. Bah! Humbug!

• We are old enough to admit that we liked 'A Christmas Carol' by Charles Dickens without being called a nerd by your peers. "Bah! Humbug!"- The phrase will stay with me forever. Long Live Uncle Scrooge! :)

• We are too old for asking for permissions from parents. Okay. That's not entirely true. But isn't it so cool that we almost believe like it's true? Like all the time!

• We are old enough to buy pretty summer dresses and wear them on day out with 'the girls'.

• We are too old for not having 'the girls'. Really, gone are the days when the likes of Sex and the City seemed way too far fetched. We need 'the girls'. We have 'the girls'. We won't be jackshit without 'the girls'

• We are old enough to date and enjoy all its...err..perks without being 'in a relationship'. Back in the day, wasn't there so much of politics and its interplay with power in the whole dating business. Who will ask whom out? Who dates whom? Same social circle? Approval from cent percent friends? And the works! Now it's so much more simpler. So much more laid back. The politics and its interplay of power still exists, only in a more 'adult' sort of a way.

• We are old enough to go on trips and expeditions without parental supervision. Backpacking doesn't seem as enchanting as before.

• We are too young for not having a Plan. We are supposed to care now! Have a well sketched out Plan. Okay, maybe not well sketched out but a rough draft is a necessity. The fact that we don't (read:I don't) means there's doomsday ahead lest I sort my life. We need directions, we need goals.... I need fresh air.

Okay, the last one just depressed me too much! Hence I will continue with this later, maybe. MAYBE. Any additions are welcomed though.

Damn this old age!

Anyway, for the record, Diwali was very pretty with the lights and all. If only it wasn't so polluted and noisy! SO DAMN NOISY! As tradition, kissing activities happened behind the staircase.. It was more like a Diwali wish, only, slightly longer. Yes. With my Ross, forever. I flinch in calling him that now, sometimes. That should be a good sign. Yes?

• We are old enough to COMPLETELY get over that one person that makes us realize that we won't die of the heartbreak, we would just wish we did! Really now! I am tired of the on and off we have kept up for the last one hundred years! Phew!

I am unreasonably bright today, for some reason :) Nothing can put me down........!!!

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Nothing but the thought of a very early college day tomorrow. "Bah! Humbug!" :P

Halloween, Diwali and All That !

We dressed up. Put heaps of makeup. Had an epic of a fun night.
Halloween it was!
Yes. We are finally old enough to host parties out of the ordinary. Halloween isn't reaaaalllly an Indian festival. Hell, I don't even know anything about it except for the fact that there's a lot of thematic representation of death and blood and ghosts and the likes?
Yes. I could be devastatingly wrong.
No. I couldn't care less about it to Google it.
Point being, we had a super super wooper awesome party themed 'Halloween' and even our, otherwise 'very macho', boys let us dress them up.

As devoted Facebook worshipers, obviously one million and one pictures were clicked and put up soon after. Amidst all the tagging, commenting, liking etc, a friend of mine decides to untag his pictures off the album. No. I wasn't pissed (That's a lie!) but I really thought we should know about his erratic behaviour.
I intruded.
He said he was embarrassed.
"Of what?", I asked; still not pissed (lie#2)
Apparently his friend had said something which didn't fail at making complete sense;
"You guys celebrated Halloween? Really? It's like the Americans celebrating Diwali!!!! hahahahaha".

Hmmmm.
Aping the West, much? Questionable.
Globalization? I think so. :P

Here's wishing everyone a Happy Halloween, Happy Diwali and all that comes in between.
:)