Imposter vs Libra

Diwali is an interesting time. Probably the only time in the year when I feel homesick. But it's so temporary, it's annoying.

It doesn't happen a lot, but I wake up feeling alone these days. Noone to talk to and nothing to talk to even. I wake up really early, so most of my friends are asleep hence not available at the time. And then I decide to smoke some.

Wake And Bake is one of my most favorite rituals of all time. The inimitable silence of the morning with the slight chill in the air goes very well with some generous portions of marijuana. I sometimes can't believe that I am essentially a stoner now. Remember growing up when that was just not an option? You were never going to do "drugs" and then you grew up. And yes, marijuana was "drugs". And now... Oh well.
I don't remember the last time I was in a social situation where noone smoked. It just does not happen anymore. When did we get here?

I truly enjoy getting high tho. It's great. Always fun. Convinient. No hangover. I should have led with the "no hangover", right? Can't believe how many days of my youth I've wasted on hangovers.

Anyway, it doesn't happen a lot, but I wake up feeling alone these days. And then I decide to smoke some. And it feels like I need someone around... Oddly, to take care of me. To ask me questions about what thoughts I've been having, to make my bed for me, to eat breakfast with me, to discuss how great Koffee With Karan is, to really analyze what happened in 2014, to tell me they love me.

It's odd because it's not a consistent feeling. And more importantly, I am actually very loved and understood and supported and rooted for. But every now and then it all seems like a big lie. The imposter syndrome kicks in and there are very few places to go from there.

Interestingly tho, these feelings don't persist through the day. In my vulnerable morning high state, I text a bunch of people. I drop a heyy, make it seem like a casual check in, make plans with them for the day.... And by the time they're up, my feelings passes. By the time they text me, I'm back to not needing anyone. Which brings me to my 'crazy'.

I recently met this girl that I had a great time with and she asked me what my crazy was cz I seem so sorted. And I was like, hm, noone has ever asked me that before. So I asked her what her crazy was and she said her obsession with what people think about her. She told me how earlier she would meet me and on her way just replay the whole meeting to obsess over all the times I may have judged or she came across as stupid. Over time she's become much better and now whenever she spirals, she reminds herself that this is her overthinking and not the reality.

I thought about it briefly and I told her I think my crazy used to be my obsession with men. Or my relationship with them. I never knew what I wanted but I wanted something. I'd be emotionally abusive (and abused) and manipulative for no reason. And there would always be some around. I'd always be either getting into or getting out of some man noise. I'd want them and I'd hate them all at them same time. Over time I realized that my problem wasn't so much that I was in love them. My problem was that it would bother me if they were not in love with me. If I'd see them drifting or moving on, I'd lure them back in and seduce them into loving me more than I needed to be loved and then feel suffocated by it. It was constantly on.

Does that make sense?

After a time, I recognised it and almost cut of all relationships - sexual or otherwise - that aren't adding any value to my life. If anything, are taking away more for me. I think that was an important decision towards the person I am proud to be today - Zen, calm and without so much noise in the head.

It doesn't happen a lot, but I wake up feeling alone these days. And then I smoke some. And by the time my people text me, I'm back to not needing anyone. And I can't help but think if as years went by, I've replaced my need for men to love me more than I need with my need for people to love me more than I need. My days go in seducing them into staying interested and as soon as I have the attention, I want to cancel all plans and parties.

Of course, this could also be some high talk. I scored some kickass stuff for my birthday which was last weekend. And i spent it with some of my favourite faces and my heart was full of pure unadulterated love for them.

Gues this is what being a Libra is about? Agreeing with everything and not with anything all at once.

Wow. Astrology? Yah, must be really good stuff.

I'm out.

Bye.

It was fun vent-writing after so long. Wow.

Instagram Captions

Do I really only write now when I'm feeling sad or do the Instagram captions count for something?

Indians Hate Doctors

I cry each time I speak to my father.
It is not even intentional or voluntary.
It just happens.

It is not even related to the conversation we had on the phone.
It is not even because of anything he may have said.
It just happens.

I hang up and I let tears roll down my face for a gold 30minutes as I just sit there in silence. And then wipe my face and go on with my life, almost without acknowledging that this is a fucked up pattern.

The good thing is that we don't talk often. Or at all really. The conversations are few and far between. So by the time it happens again, I usually find myself having forgotten the pain from the after math of the previous conversation.

The bad thing is that I find it really hard to cry otherwise. So for all intents and purposes this is my only real release. And I am not emotionally ready for a deep dive into my subconscious to figure why I feel what I feel.

But right now, I am not feeling too good.
I am not feeling up to unravel the multiple layers of our relationship.
But I am feeling sad. And helpless. And overwhelmed. And the tears aren't stopping.

At what point do I bring this up with someone? At what point do I need to seriously address it?
At what point does this change?
Does it ever?
Or is it like those headaches you get once in a while if you're out in the heat for too long, you pop a pill and then you forget about it, cz the headache isn't an active part of your life any way.

And Indians hate going to doctors and getting lomg term solutions anyway. So....

Aloof

I guess we just have to realize the control (or lack thereof) we have over people or things.

I guess what naturally happens then is that slowly but surely you start getting out of fucks. The sentiment that it stems from is that if the things you do for someone is never really going to be enough, you might as well stop. Take a step back, try seeing it from an objective point of view.

And what happens when the objective point of view doesn't make sense to you?

I guess you start getting aloof.