I cry each time I speak to my father.
It is not even intentional or voluntary.
It just happens.
It is not even related to the conversation we had on the phone.
It is not even because of anything he may have said.
It just happens.
I hang up and I let tears roll down my face for a gold 30minutes as I just sit there in silence. And then wipe my face and go on with my life, almost without acknowledging that this is a fucked up pattern.
The good thing is that we don't talk often. Or at all really. The conversations are few and far between. So by the time it happens again, I usually find myself having forgotten the pain from the after math of the previous conversation.
The bad thing is that I find it really hard to cry otherwise. So for all intents and purposes this is my only real release. And I am not emotionally ready for a deep dive into my subconscious to figure why I feel what I feel.
But right now, I am not feeling too good.
I am not feeling up to unravel the multiple layers of our relationship.
But I am feeling sad. And helpless. And overwhelmed. And the tears aren't stopping.
At what point do I bring this up with someone? At what point do I need to seriously address it?
At what point does this change?
Does it ever?
Or is it like those headaches you get once in a while if you're out in the heat for too long, you pop a pill and then you forget about it, cz the headache isn't an active part of your life any way.
And Indians hate going to doctors and getting lomg term solutions anyway. So....
