Monday, March 9, 2015

The Rebound.

I don't want to resent him. But I do. In my defense, he was a rebound. I guess they can't help it. They're often brought on board to fill the void someone else left in your life. It really isn't their fault. Mostly, it's not.

I don't want to resent him. But I do.

Very often when I look back at our time together, I feel really angry. Angry because I think he robbed me off my youth. I know I'm being a tad bit too dramatic, but that's really how I feel. He made me part of a boring old couple who fucked only in the missionary position and spent weekends together with each other's friends. There wasn't anything really wrong with him... except that he was insecure about every man I ever even spoke to; except that he didn't just want to impress me but all my friends; except that he was secretly always smug about winning against this other guy I knew, except that I know he was insecure about the size of his penis; except that he tried way too hard to please me in bed ; except that he loved me way too much in very little time. I was exhausted!

I'm not lying when I say that I started noticing physical changes in me. My face was becoming paler by the day and my waistline bigger. My boobs didn't feel sexy to me anymore and I stopped pouting in pictures. I stopped going to parties because it meant him getting weird about me not wanting to sit in a corner and text all night. You know the weirdest part? "I give you your freedom!" he said. My freedom is not yours to give, asshole!

And then there were those conversations. I mean, I was with the guy for months, and I don't remember ONE stimulating conversation with him. And we used to talk all the bloody time. In retrospect, I think all he ever said was how much he loved me. I have loved a lot of people in my life at various times and in various capacities... is it really love if you've to say it out loud so many times? I think not. He was so fucking vanilla, it makes me want to cry. And I was some big ego trip for him.

I don't want to resent him. But I do. Especially because he wasn't a virgin when I met him and he lied about it! And also because, he wasn't cool enough to be my boyfriend. Ever. 

There, I said it. 


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