From Drafts

I sometimes miss being in unrequited love
to text them
to overthink their text
to romanticize every moment
to actually dream about them in technicolor
to feel excited
to check my hair a lil extra before seeing them
to stand in a way your bum looks cute
to talk in a way your lips look irresistible
to obsess about fake breakup
to write about him
to talk about him
to cry about him

Mine

So I am sitting in my room
of my house
working on my laptop
as my music
plays on my speaker
in the background.

Wow. You did good, kid.

Stress about real life tomorrow now. 

if you prepare yourself, you have the ability to be better than everyone else

Too Young To Old

I feel like I am constantly oscillating between two feelings.

One part of my brain tells me this: You're only 28. It's okay if you don't know what you want. Look at all the amazing things you have gotten to do so far. Look at all the kickass people you have gotten to interact with in your journey. Look at what a full life you have lived! Do what you want to do. If not now then when?

You also hear these incredible stories about people who went back to school in their 50s or started a successful business in their 40s. Stories that reiterate that age is just a fucking number. 

But then there is the other part of my brain that can't escape the societal model of living life. That can't escape the conditioning all of us are a part of. It's the same conditioning that tells you to finish 10th grade then 12th grade then college then get a job then get married then have babies and yep, you're wrapped up by 30. You are a full adult. Now live this life, congratulations!

Which brings me to the other part of by brain that says: You spend your 20s working hard and laying the foundation for the rest of your life. Hustle hard at all costs, think about marriage, think about your eggs drying up, about investments, think about where you see yourself in your 50s. If not now then when?

The rest of my life? WOAH! That's a long long time! In our 20s, technically we haven't even lived half our lives yet. And if we think about it, can we really count all the time before say you were a teenager as "living''? So we have, what, like 15 years of being an actual functioning human.

The rest of my life! How can I make decisions right now that impact such a long duration of my life with such a short duration of experience?

And as the world is going these days, who knows how much of the rest of my life is left anyway?