I'll just end up walkin' In the cold November rain

It is unreal how much a simple and short walk in the winters can do for you. Okay, make that a stoned and long walk. As has been stated over and over previously on many a occasions, I love winters and everything about it, including these long random walks I take sans any reason. Helps you gain a perspective, about nothing in particular. That's the beauty of it.

What happened last night, I have vague memories about. My best friend A's parents very bravely decided to go out of town for a wedding. I have always failed to understand the willingness and resources that people possess to attend weddings. Where do they get so much energy from? Regardless, we had an empty house! No crazy open-to-all house party happened and that made me very happy. Here's the thing about such parties; you end up having faded memories of no relevance or consequence with people who hold no relevance or consequence in your life. Hence, in a closed 'event' of sorts, it was just us. Us, painting nails and talking about love, life and all that over glasses of rum,vodka and whiskey. I love when conversations just flow between people effortlessly. The occasional joint and the innocent smokes just added to the ambiance as music played in the background. In the end, as tradition has guided us over the years, we watched 'Mean Girls' and dozed off.A very good night it was.

So friend, A had a very important Law Conference today morning at 9am which was mandatory for her to attend. Why we planned one of our high escapades the night before, is beyond me. With great powers comes great responsibilities; the power of the empty house brought with it the responsibility of getting up on time, cleaning and disposing off all the unwanted elements A's parents won't be too pleased to see and then leave the house, courtesy the damn Conference.Hungover, we managed to get out.
I reached close to my house, I realized that going home in the condition I was in wouldn't have been the wisest choice. So I decided to catch a movie.

Ya. So half asleep and half drunk, I bought myself a ticket and sat for Golmal-3. No. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. Almost funny. After that, I bought myself a ticket for Due Date. EPIC!! It was hilarious. After that, I thought I might as well see The Social Network and get it over with, already.
Yes. I tend to get carried away more than I should.
So after my rather satisfying movie marathon experience, I headed home.

The winter chill hit me then, the first of this year.

I noticed how it had rained. I almost felt cheated as I had missed it. Nevertheless, I deserved 'my' time. Since the last month, maybe, I have been socializing like mad! Rather, I have had to socialize like mad! It may sound like a very vain thing to say but it's true; it is a pain in the ass to know too many people  and the pain reaches another level of most of the five million people you know don't hate you. Ever heard anything weirder? I, sometimes, almost want to be hated a little... Not hated, just not fussed over, maybe.
Anyway, I decided to light up one of the left joints and take a walk.
And then I walked.
I walked across blocks, roads, puddles, houses.....
Thought about the world. Thought less, pondered more. I think,
Out of the eight thousand and fifty seven things that crossed that little mind of mine, two have managed to stay there still:

1. I am a leeetle toooo indecisive, Indecisive to the extent of being annoying and highly irrational. Must learn to focus, maybe.
2. T does not have any black tops/t-shirts. This is not normal! Especially when you are best friends with yours truly Obsessive Compulsive Black Clothes Wearer.

Cheers to the 'November Rain'.. Here's to many more to come :)

Those were the days...

I am going through a major 'We-are-too-old-for...' and 'We-are-old-enough-to...' phase. Here goes...

• We are old enough to drink without occasion. Our will to drink and the ability to drink are not parallel emotions anymore. We plan our drinking escapades and go to places, pretty and ugly, to connect conversationally over drinks with friends (and foes). Gone are the days of secret cheap booze bottle that had to be guarded with one's life and opened only when the world slept and we were in the confines of a friend's locked room whose parents slept like babies.

• We are too old for showing unnecessary skin. This year new years eve, we won't be wearing skimpy outfits that revealed more than it concealed, only to the excitement o everything male around and to the envy of their female counterparts. This year it's all about the sweaters and jackets and coats and la la la. BORING!!!! Nothing like a bit of drama on a very very very cold new years' eve. Maybe, I will still show some leg. Maybe not. Bah! Humbug!

• We are old enough to admit that we liked 'A Christmas Carol' by Charles Dickens without being called a nerd by your peers. "Bah! Humbug!"- The phrase will stay with me forever. Long Live Uncle Scrooge! :)

• We are too old for asking for permissions from parents. Okay. That's not entirely true. But isn't it so cool that we almost believe like it's true? Like all the time!

• We are old enough to buy pretty summer dresses and wear them on day out with 'the girls'.

• We are too old for not having 'the girls'. Really, gone are the days when the likes of Sex and the City seemed way too far fetched. We need 'the girls'. We have 'the girls'. We won't be jackshit without 'the girls'

• We are old enough to date and enjoy all its...err..perks without being 'in a relationship'. Back in the day, wasn't there so much of politics and its interplay with power in the whole dating business. Who will ask whom out? Who dates whom? Same social circle? Approval from cent percent friends? And the works! Now it's so much more simpler. So much more laid back. The politics and its interplay of power still exists, only in a more 'adult' sort of a way.

• We are old enough to go on trips and expeditions without parental supervision. Backpacking doesn't seem as enchanting as before.

• We are too young for not having a Plan. We are supposed to care now! Have a well sketched out Plan. Okay, maybe not well sketched out but a rough draft is a necessity. The fact that we don't (read:I don't) means there's doomsday ahead lest I sort my life. We need directions, we need goals.... I need fresh air.

Okay, the last one just depressed me too much! Hence I will continue with this later, maybe. MAYBE. Any additions are welcomed though.

Damn this old age!

Anyway, for the record, Diwali was very pretty with the lights and all. If only it wasn't so polluted and noisy! SO DAMN NOISY! As tradition, kissing activities happened behind the staircase.. It was more like a Diwali wish, only, slightly longer. Yes. With my Ross, forever. I flinch in calling him that now, sometimes. That should be a good sign. Yes?

• We are old enough to COMPLETELY get over that one person that makes us realize that we won't die of the heartbreak, we would just wish we did! Really now! I am tired of the on and off we have kept up for the last one hundred years! Phew!

I am unreasonably bright today, for some reason :) Nothing can put me down........!!!

.

.

.

Nothing but the thought of a very early college day tomorrow. "Bah! Humbug!" :P

Halloween, Diwali and All That !

We dressed up. Put heaps of makeup. Had an epic of a fun night.
Halloween it was!
Yes. We are finally old enough to host parties out of the ordinary. Halloween isn't reaaaalllly an Indian festival. Hell, I don't even know anything about it except for the fact that there's a lot of thematic representation of death and blood and ghosts and the likes?
Yes. I could be devastatingly wrong.
No. I couldn't care less about it to Google it.
Point being, we had a super super wooper awesome party themed 'Halloween' and even our, otherwise 'very macho', boys let us dress them up.

As devoted Facebook worshipers, obviously one million and one pictures were clicked and put up soon after. Amidst all the tagging, commenting, liking etc, a friend of mine decides to untag his pictures off the album. No. I wasn't pissed (That's a lie!) but I really thought we should know about his erratic behaviour.
I intruded.
He said he was embarrassed.
"Of what?", I asked; still not pissed (lie#2)
Apparently his friend had said something which didn't fail at making complete sense;
"You guys celebrated Halloween? Really? It's like the Americans celebrating Diwali!!!! hahahahaha".

Hmmmm.
Aping the West, much? Questionable.
Globalization? I think so. :P

Here's wishing everyone a Happy Halloween, Happy Diwali and all that comes in between.
:)

Holding you close, chasing the moon...

It was Lohri, January, 2006.

Like every year, everyone who was going through a very bad patch courtesy nothing in particular had masked all anxiety to participate in the community celebration. I am usually a happy person, who isn't? That time, I wasn't. Sadly so.

There I was, smiling lamely at the fifty thousand people I didn't give a shit about. I remember being dressed up to lift my mood.
I didn't feel alone, just very lonely.

I didn't feel ugly, just not beautiful.

I wanted to cry. Actually, I think I wanted to kill the entire race around me, I'm not sure. It was such a long time ago.

Through the corner of my eye, I could see him looking at me. Clearly, my attempts of feigning the fun i was not having, failed. It grew more and more awkward, since we hadn't spoken since we quit being 'us' and became 'him and me'. It was strange because the last time I had been this sad was because of him. Funny, how every time something screws up, you think it's the worse you will ever have to face, until something crappier comes along! Anyway, newer elements were making my life a living hell, back then.

He text me; "See me behind *R's* house in two."

Ah. The commanding. 

The assumption of the right he had over me, still.

The fact that he did.

I went.

He was there.

I walked up to him. Shivering. The cold had very little to do with it.

He looked at me. Didn't smile. Didn't speak.

The tension grew stronger.

He did it then. He hugged me. Held me for many many many seconds. I was breathing into him. I cried a little bit too. He just kept holding me; really tight. 

There wasn't any romantic inkling, really. However, the loud, crass Punjabi Lohri music in the background started sounding like jazz.

After an entire two minutes, he let go.

We walked back to join the celebration again. We didn't talk, almost as if to induce drama. We didn't talk all night.

Later, i left him a message saying "Thank You", hoping that he won't be a jerk and ask me what for.

He didn't.

I will always be indebted to him.

Over the years, we have been kindred spirits, for real.

And then, last night he told me 'I just love the way you hug me'. I gushed so much I could cry just thinking about it. I almost wanted to say it back with so much more passion.

I didn't.

We know what we have. Almost clearly. Mostly, anyway.

Holding someone tight, if you ask me, is the most underrated action in the universe.

A Free Bitch, Baby

Her desires are whores

Her dreams, too, sluts

Thought the heart was all hers

Turns out, he's a tramp too

Apologies to the life that got her

She ate the life up

Frustrated it

Filled it with plague

She told them to get her the stars

The stars in a pretty cage

She told them to light it up

The stars in a pretty cage

But they were prostitutes

All of them

Her stories were whores

Her ways, too, sluts

Thought the heart was all hers

Turns out, he's a tramp too

For every face she tore

She was faced by uglier ones

A naive little bird danced

Danced and became a peacock

She became the prostitute and the saint

They became the wives and the virgins

Her liaisons were whores

Her lovers, too, sluts

Thought the heart was all hers

Turns out, he's a tramp too

Arriving Somewhere But Not Here

Passion I think is one of the most important things in life. You need a drive, a force that carries you through. Personally, I think your driving forces can change from time to time; change is the only constant, is it not? 


It was only a few years back when I thought I wanted to do so many cool things and believed that I would be so fucking good at them!
Belief is necessary! There isn't any getting anywhere without that.
I think it was school when I thought I was in possession of super natural powers and was certain that I will nail whatever I chose to do. I think we all were like that in school. We were constantly working... not to score well all the time but to arrive; to get somewhere. We were convinced we were getting somewhere; somewhere we wanted to; somewhere we knew we belonged.
Unlike most people, I have never had qualms about passing on my textbooks. I never cherished them as much. The matter and information in them just didn't seem as important to me. However, the little of the five million books that still enjoy rack space in my house are filled with nostalgia. There are doodles about people we liked and didn't and tid bits and notes about our life crisis and happiness and life changing conversations and issues about the world and so much more. It is in these pages that our respective lives and our lives together reside happily and will do ever after too.
I miss the insanity.
I miss the confidence.
I miss the passion.


I have had my share of very weird trajectory when it came to choosing life paths for myself. I would like to believe I am not the only one.

• In the second grade, I knew this women who was straight out of a painting- so pretty, so young, so elegant, so pure, so loved. She was my math teacher..One of the only time I understood anything about the damn subject was back then. Everyone used to like her and all the male teachers would act like lame losers vying for her attention. I knew it then; I wanted to be her- A Teacher. After two years, I think, she got married and left. Took my dream away with her. Just didn't seem worth it.
• I turned to dancing and I was, if I may say so myself, pretty darn good at it. Hence, a big shot choreographer in Bollywood was where I placed self mentally. Soon, that phase got over too.
• Then for the longest time I wanted to become a full on glam doll Bollywood actor. I knew I would go straight to the top. I knew it was my thing. I knew I would rock. I had techno-colour dreams, for crying out loud! I was consumed by the glitz, glamour, commercialization, futility, pretence and of course, the costumes of this world. I would practice interviews under the shower for when the paparazzi would stalk me for a quote after I would get out of the success party of my latest release! Then I got fat and the dream couldn't take the pressure of the weight, clearly! 
• I still wanted to be on TV so bad.. hosting chat shows or something!
• Through all of this, my very weird parents kept telling me how their being doctors automatically shut all other doors for me and they wanted me to believe that Science was what I would voluntarily choose for self. So much for being supportive and liberal modern working parents. Parents are hypocrites.. more about that later. Being the victim of circumstances (yes yes!), I thought I would have to work around the given framework and hence decided that being a dentist might not suck as much. Reason, you ask? A doctor friend of my mom's husband had told me (I think as a joke) that out of all other medical nonsense, you study the least to become a dentist. That became and obvious calling, hence. Then, magically I just quit passing in Science. Obviously enough it would have been way too far fetched for me to still stick to this. Sigh.
• Margaret Mitchell, the author of Gone With The Wind became a fleeting icon too. She has written just this one master of a book which earned her fame and fortune to last her a lifetime! I thought it wouldn't be as hard.I started writing a book too. Only, it got lost somewhere in those years of major experimenting regarding boys, toys and some other unmentionables. Poof. OVER!
• So much so, that I have had very serious conversations with extremely serious people (read: best friends) contemplating the idea of taking up prostitution as a serious profession. Did not get as much support as I had hoped for. Anyway.
• Finally, I though I will marry a really rich and fair man who spoke good English and had beautiful hands, become a trophy wife and give him beautiful kids. I don't want to get married anymore! :(

Now I am halfway through finishing my college education and though I love my life and everything about it (almost all the time), there is nothing I am working for or towards. I am just here. Back then, so what if I was on the wrong path? I was still on a fucking path!

You need to have tremendous knowledge and passion about at least one thing if not more. None of that I am in possession of. Not yet, anyway.

I had the weirdest things in my school bag- old letters, poems I wrote, friendship bands, oregano and chilly flakes sachets from dominos, broken glasses, ribbons and so much more things that are seemingly crap!

Now, it's all about hairbrushes and lip gloss.

Then, it was fun being weird. I liked being at that thin line between weird and popular with so much ease.

Now, it's almost like people act crazy to conform. To belong.

There are star-studded fantasies about making it. Somehow. Somewhere.

Just not here, maybe.

Must.Find.Out.Soon.

One more kiss could be the best thing Or one more lie could be the worst...

You know how you have wanted to be with me since the beginning of time, apparently.
You know how I've been telling you that you just think you want this when, in fact, you don't.
So I thought that maybe I was being too paranoid. I thought maybe you will do all those beautiful things you claim to be wanting to do for me; make me feel all those beautiful things you claim to be wanting to make me feel each day; bring all the beautiful words to life.
So I decided to let one of my, twelve thousand and eighty two, fences down to test waters. You'd told me you'll spoil and pamper me forever.
You'd told me you'll me love with all my flaws.
You'd told me you'll  embrace all my shortcomings.
You didn't.




Too Bad.



For You.