Guilty.

So the movie+dinner didn't remain just that.

I have sinned.
Guilty as charged.
Sorry?
Regretful?
Ashamed?

Aloof.

It's cooler to feel anything than be this distant, really.

Till more untainted times...

P.S- Always believe that particular guy who once called you selfish/deceiving/deceitful and remember that even though it hurt like hell back then, he was probably right.

"P.S... Guess what? "

I think you are finally put under the same header as 'Grown Ups' when your mother officially allows a drunken marathon of a House party at your house and voluntarily chooses to stay away for the day!
Greatest Party Ever?
I think so.

Few reasons why I am going to remember this for a while...

• It was at MY house :D
• He-Man came :) :) :) And helped me clean later and was, I think, the only 'sober' guy at the party.
• Jaya and Preeto might win awards for Absent-ism
• I have a hickey from the party and the who/when of the matter remain unknown.
• I had to un-clog my sink off Denzil's puke *throws up a little*
• I got very high
• It's been only two days since, yes; but people haven't shut up about it yet so yay. 

The good life.

It would have been even better had life included slight dozes of studying, less mental complications, very little melancholy, Niharika, great food, no body weight, lots of money, less classes, more winters, no stalkers..

I am half serious about the last one. Stalkers make me feel important.

Yes, I am a lame person.

Sigh.

Infidelity? Unacceptable.

There are no claims of being a Saint, here. The Universe knows I have slipped and flawed a lot more often than I should be allowed to. However, if there's one thing that I was never going to be okay with was infidelity. The line that divides 'promiscuity' and 'infidelity' maybe thin, alright; but it still exists. The choice of meaningless physical intimacy without emotional vulnerability is one thing, cheating in a committed relationship is quite another. To each their own, yes but ethical grounds should never be marginalized to a level too low.

So we've gotten back to talking since a few days now; Ro and I. It's all new and nice; the butterflies in the tummy are a little limited since we've been through this a few years back. There are some changes, obviously, between then and now. Both of us have matured, perceptions have changed, we want different things now, food habits, wardrobe...relationship status. 

Ya. SO he has a girlfriend now. 'In a relationship' since a year and going strong. 

It isn't a not known fact, that for him to have lasted this long with any girl is a huge deal and I am very happy for him. I really am. Only, I am not too sure about his sudden change of affiliations towards me. The fact that I know the girl-in-question in person, doesn't make matters easier, either. The fact that he keeps passing most of my little 'tests' that I sneakily slip in every now and then, is also not cool, given the scenario. 

To wash my hands off it, I can very conveniently say that I am not the one bound by a relationship and hence I am not at fault. But that would be a lie. 

Doesn't it make me equally guilty if I go ahead with things, well aware of the facts just stated?

I think it does.

I know it does.

In my defense, in all the conversations and time spending over the last few days I have consciously brought up  questions and general things about ze girlfriend which, very sneakingly, he's avoided, changed topic, same ol' same ol'.. 

Predictability bores me the most! Yawn. 

After listening to some eccentric (read: inappropriate) plans by him on his idea of spending the weekend with me, I settled for a movie+dinner 'outing' and not 'date' this Saturday. I figured that being friends I am supposed to spend friendly time with my friends and that is exactly what we're gonna do-

Watch movie, throw pop corn at each other, talk, eat food, come back.

It's as simple.

It's not like it can't happen; I am going to make it happen for nothing else but for the fact that infidelity is unacceptable.

Always was. Always will be.

Existing.

So this 'being off Facebook' thing isn't going down with me as well as I thought it would.
Nevertheless, I am fighting all my natural urges to activate my account and doing other things to occupy all the time in the world that I am suddenly exposed to minus Facebook.
Yes. All claims of Facebook having taken over our lives are, in fact, true.
It is very very VERY hard to resist this particular 'global disease'.

They ask me why I am so addicted.
I don't have any answer that doesn't reduce me to sounding like yet another attention seeking wannabe emo person. I wouldn't have had qualms about this perception if only it was true. It isn't attention seeking at all.

It's a weird feeling; waking up to an empty house.
It's a weird feeling; not having someone giving you breakfast.
It's a weird feeling; when the first thing you do in the morning is to be by yourself.
It's a weird feeling; when it's too early to call anyone on their phone.
It's a weird feeling; waking up to an empty house.

So then there's Facebook. The world never seems to sleep there. There's people galore at all times of the day. People who share statuses, messages, pictures, notes...a slice of their lives with you at that hour of the day when you really think you got no one else.
And they ask me why I am so addicted...

Facebook! I miss you, lover.

*Sky*

I don't have as many friends! I don't! Maybe slightly more in number than what YOU do, but that's not a lot. Regardless, I know who my friends and that makes me quite content with my life. I am a 'social' person; whatever that means, but that's that. I do not see why I must be apologetic about it. This has been a point of concern of not only YOU but also of most of my friends. I fail to understand how it's a fault.

Last night YOU chose to make an appearance in my life after over two months now, only to scream at me for no apparent reason. I can't believe I took it, it's very unlike me. So I'm not pissed that you assumed this authority over me that you really don't possess, but I'm pissed that I was bothered even though I can't place you in anything else but a big bubble of in-consequentiality.

'You have too many friends and that makes you a cunning person; you are cold-hearted; you don't respect me or my love for you; you are not a real person but a projection that people seem to like'- these seemed to be the general areas of your anger/frustration.
Your explanation to having taken so much time in saying such beautiful things to me was that you were intimidated and were gathering courage to say it to my face! Really now. I am not that cool! Maybe intimidating is one of my 'things', strangely so.

I need constant validation from people and approval from the people who matter. The fact that I end up doing exactly what I want in the end is a different story, but I am very anxious about some opinions.
Does that make me a bad person? I don't know.
Does that make me emotionally unavailable and disrespectful of love? I don't think so.
I don't know where the fault lies, really. I don't want to waste any time of my life finding out.

Facebook has always been very important to me. As lame as it may sound, it's true. There's no helping that and there's no explainable logic to it. I am addicted and it's just as hard to quit as smoking is.
After a very long time, I did something to prove a point to someone else but me; I am off Facebook.

I can see how most people will not/do not think of it as a big step but for me it is. It is huge and extremely life defining. Hell, I had to smoke slightly more than the usual the second I deactivated my account. :P Habbits are hard to kick, especially the bad ones.

Will I be lying if I said that YOUR call had nothing to do with it?
Yes.
Will I be lying if I said that YOUR call was the only reason to do it?
Yes.
Will I be lying if I said that I don't miss Facebook already?
YES!

Maybe it is time for a change.
Maybe it is time to give up one of the addictions.
Maybe one day I will give up smoking.
Maybe one day I will give up thinking about him.
Maybe one day I will hug my dad like I mean it.
Maybe one day sex will become more than just sex, again.
Maybe one day I will give up my phone too.
Maybe one day the world will be okay about me having more then one person I like to call my best friend.

It's true;
I have many friends.
I have the friends I want and there's no changing that.
Not yet, anyway.

Barely Breathing.

Okay. So I've been eating a lot, anyway. But for whatever's it's worth, I haven't been having as much junk as I did until last week so that's got to be a good thing! Also, exercise and lots of dancing is on; so that should be a little helpful too, if nothing else.
The Great Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes) said once, "Realities continue to ruin my life"- I couldn't agree more at this point and time.

To start with, it is December. I love winters and December is my particularly favourite month too. However, December with all it's madness, partying, laziness and the works is soon followed by the dreaded January- the month of the College Home Exams.

When you're in Delhi University and your attendance and other assignment submission records aren't exactly something to flaunt, the least you can do is clear all the internals with a slight tinge of respectability(to ask for anything more is going to be rather far fetched). The fact that after my 12th board exams, the course I opted for was that of English Honours Programme in DU isn't comforting at all. How am I ever going to do anything in life if I can't manage the pressure and stress that comes along in the journey to becoming a Graduate, alone? So much for wanting to be a responsible adult with a focus in life and rocking it while she's at it. Here's the deal : English isn't Math. Apart from Math being completely unnecessary and boring, it is also objective. English, on the other hand, is about points of view, critical analysis, awareness. So while 2+2=4 and nothing else but that;  while reading a book I need to know about not only the book, but the author and his life and the friends he had and the affairs he enjoyed and the history of the time and the political power play of the era... bah!- Subtext to the whole thing : I am screwed.

Today : 1st December.
Date of first exam : 3rd January.
Days left: 33
Books to read: 16
Mental status: ..........

So new challenge for the month apart from the quest to lose the paunch is, obviously, studying! Studying like mad! It's at times like this when one realizes that it's not like this is difficult but impossible. My biggest need at this present second is for someone to tell me the fuck from where I begin!!! The world would be so much easier without technology- Yes Yes! I am talking to you, Facebook, Blogger, YouTube, TV and Cellphone!!! You don't let me study. Also, the splash of social life that I seem to be living with is almost like a necessary evil.
Breathing is getting problematic. For real.

Move your ass, go berserk! Eat your salad, no dessert! Sigh.

If you come to think of it, it's no coincidence that 'women' and 'weight' start with the same letter. Really.
I am not one to generalize, but let's, for sake of convenience, acknowledge the fact that most women obsess about weight.
Thin ones want to get still thinner; some of that clan want to gain some flesh. Fat women (acceptingly or otherwise) want to have all the fat on them sucked out almost magically. The battle is unending; Women v/s Weight.

I would like to believe that I have been rather comfortable in my skin for most of it, anyway. Not skinny, yes but I have swung back and forth into my various weight phases from slender to not so to back with a lot of ease. Days of lives have consisted of being completely maniacal about losing weight to giving up and reaching for the last slice of pizza even after finishing my portions of lasagna,tikkas, pasta and the likes. I've exhibited some rather extreme behaviour depending on the mood, season and general happenings in life within the framework of being happy, sad and all that in between.

Current Phase : Got.To.Lose.Weight.Asap.Especially.For.New.Year's.Eve.

Yes. So when you are not exactly tall (read: short!) and are rather well endowed in the chest-al  region (sigh!), the last thing you can have on your self is a paunch, which really is just an almost cute way of calling a very unflattering lump of flesh growing ON your otherwise normal stomach. I wouldn't have alloted any blog space to this issue at all, if it was any other time of the year but this. Not only is it winters but all the major parties are round the corner; December Baby! All dresses which show off my rather well crafted legs (*touch wood* :P :P) would go for a mega toss because the strategically placed attention one places on the cleavage and legs would be hogged by the damn paunch.

It would be a little too ambitious to think that I would be normal-sized for all December parties (Sigh!) but there is a rather 'achievable' target with a rather 'do-able' plan of action (*fingers crossed*)-
Here's the deal:
CHALLENGE : To fit into a sweater dress that would like to be worn by yours truly this new years.
DEADLINE FOR WEIGHT CHECK: 25th December, 2010.
METHOD: Walking, Running. Dancing (THANK GOD!!!) No junk

Given my less than average will power and extreme pangs of laziness, this will be very very very hard. Not a sexist, but a Girl's got to do what a Girl's got to do, right?

Bye bye life, hello Hell!

So.Lets.Do.This.
Amen.