I'm Definitely Blogging Again!

So I spent my Sunday morning reading some very old posts on this blog. What it did was that it took me back in time. I smiled about things I hadn't in a while, I thought about people I'd blocked from my memory, random incidents came back to me and then I realized - I need to document my life again - or the lack of it.

My blog turned 5 in Feb this year! Happy birthday, baby. I love you. I really do. 

Love.

Everyone wants to believe in love. It sells. 

Regret.

I do live with one major regret - losing her because of my own doing. How could I let a decade of pure love and trust crumble to shreds just like that? What was I thinking? Was it just the need for "excitement"? Was it just the need for a story? I hope not. 

I've not had the guts to speak about this with anybody either. I feel like over time I've tried and blocked the memories in a way that even I don't remember for sure what exactly happened. Is that a healthy way of dealing with things? Who is to say?

The whole thing really did change me though. It started with the acute self realization of being a horrible person. If I could do it to her, why was anyone to trust me for anything at all? Slowly but surely that turned into a conscious decision of living a life I was more proud of. To go out of my way to ensure that nothing I do hurts anyone in an irreparable way. 

I've always maintained that none of the amazing things that have happened to me in the last decade would've happened if it wasn't for her. I still have her picture up on my wall because I can't possibly throw it away. Or her. She is still listed as my sister on Facebook, for crying out loud! And even now, I'd drop everything and tend to her if she ever needs me. 

I think about him and her every now and then and I hope that after all the drama, at least they've found the love and compassion to be with each other. I heard from someone the other day that he hates me and wants to kill me and somehow, I didn't even feel bad. It's been so long that his hatred seems like a small bargain for their happiness. And none of this is me being a martyr. 

Don't understand the point of writing any of this down. I guess it needed to get it out of my system. And this is the first time in years that I've found the gumption to do so. 

I guess all I really am is terribly sorry - to him, to everyone else who had to suffer without being at fault and mostly to her because she was my entire life. And I get that she might never want to forgive me... because I can't forgive myself either. 

Should I Get Back On The Dating Scene?

I think I'm going to get back on the dating scene.

I used to be so good at it! And the false sense of validation would really rock my socks. I don't know how or when I just got off it. I think it happened because I got into a serious relationship with this woman I love and after that didn't work out, an annoying fuck aka Rebound Guy was part of my life exclusively. When that ended, I was on and off Tinder to get laid every now and then, but the zest for finding someone to have fun with just ended. Not that I'm looking for the "someone to have fun with" just yet, but I could do with some exciting dinner plans, heavy drinking and deep yet meaningless conversations with strangers.

I've never really been scared of strangers I think. I guess that happened when the "familiar" has never really worked out in your favour. 

Stoned Face.

I like my face when I'm stoned
Somehow the skin glows. Radiates more like. And the bloodshot eyes add a little color.
The lips shine just a little bit as they hold onto the last bit of moisture in their mouth
The mole under my eye seems prominent
And I see how my front teeth may discolor soon
Don't know what it is about it?
Maybe the calm
Maybe the stability
Maybe the music
Maybe the friendship
Maybe everything I never had
But I like my face when I'm stoned. 

Drunk Writing.

I'm trying something tonight. I'm documenting my drunkness.

You know how they say "write drunk, edit sober''? It makes a lot of sense unless you, like me, take a while to get drunk. Or actually that was back in the day when I was a party girl. Now I need three solid drinks after a full day's work and I'm knocked out. Anyway, tonight I'm homealone. And that really is a luxury when you share a 1BHK with two friends in Bombay. So I've decided to drink myself to write. Yup, I'm pretty sure that's a phrase.

Let's see how this goes...

60ml Whisky x 1

Nothing yet. Like I said I take a while to get drunk. I feel like this might have been more fun if anyone actually read this blog like they did a few years ago. I remember getting so excited each time I got a comment. Anyway, I'm thinking of chugging this one, Just to set the ball rolling.

60ml Whisky x 2

So I just told one of my closest friends about my plan of documenting my drunkenness on my blog tonight. She is definitely supportive. She's hoping I drink as many as 10 large pegs tonight. Slim possibility of that. I'm not 19 anymore. But I remember when I was. I don't even know how T and I got through grad college with the amount of alcohol we had in our systems. Good times - it seems like another century altogether. We really are growing up.

Anyway, I must tell you about this friend of mine. I met her about two years ago when I was studying Journalism for my post-grad in XIC. Honestly, I don't think XIC added any educational value to my life at all, but what an eventful year that was! But that's another story for another day. Coming back to this friend, I love her; I really do. I don't know exactly when we became friends but I feel like my main attraction towards her is the fact that she seems eerily like me - and that's amazing for someone who is as narcissistic as I am. We live in our own heads and have very strong opinions about things. We'r okay if other people don't accept this opinion - we're not looking for that validation. We believe in the idea of love, but are too practical to give it our all just yet. We value relationships and are very clear about who our "friends" are - even if we're guilty of throwing that word around loosely. We are bloody good at our jobs and most importantly, we are hilarious women.

Honestly, I don't think I can put my finger at just how close we are. But I know each time something monumental happens in my life, I think I'd like her to know :)

60ml Whisky x 3

Okay, this shit is working now. I love when plans work out. I'm already apologizing for typos that may occur going forward.

I have a nice buzz now.

My relationship with alcohol has got to be one of my most consistent relationships ever. Unless you count my relationship with "Ross." Actually you can't - it was/is anything but consistent. I feel like I still think about him or talk about him purely for nostalgic value.

OMG! Deepika Padukone just tweeted this photo and I'm dyinggg!!!
http://www.missmalini.com/2015/11/07/deepika-padukone-just-posted-photos-of-ranbir-kapoor-ranveer-singh-no-really/
This is like the Shah Rukh - Salman Iftaar hug, but better!

Oh well, I love Bollywood, BITE ME!

Time for another drink... I'm definitely not sober now.

1 Cigarette 

Hey hey hey! Look what I found - a cigarette!

Technically, I quit this year.  Which means that I only smoke when I drink now and that too, I try and share a cigarette with a smoker friend. I think it's pretty clear that tonight is not a sharing kind of a night.

next drink

I've done the craziest thing. There's this guy I talk to on Twitter sometimes. Purely platonic. We DM flirt every now and then. And I can't stress on this enough - purely platonic! However, I don't understand what happened right now exactly, but I'm homealone (as I mentioned already) and he is coming over. Erm.

Did I mention this was platonic?

SO THAT'S WHY I'm not supposed to be drinking by myself? Riiiight.

OMG, he's here!

More tomorrow...

Zen

I feel like I am at a point in my life where I'm spending way too much talking to myself and even more time taking personality tests that don't tell me squat. Is this what they call quarter life crisis? I don't think so though because contrary to what I thought my life would be like when I'm as old as I am, life is pretty fucking good.

I would like to believe I'm killing it at work, I have found the friends I'd like to spend my life with (or so it seems), I am actually eating healthy ( let's see how long that lasts), I am having enough sex (mostly virtually though, sigh) and I am mentally not cluttered.

I can't remember the last time this had happened.

Former Party Girl

I used to like going out. No, cross that - I used to love going out.

I loved parties and large gatherings and people din't scare me. I don't think they scare me now as much as they annoy me. It takes too much effort to fake interest in their small talk anymore and I'm not naturally drawn to the "broken" ones who nurse their drink in the corner of the room anymore. About two years ago I'd walk into a room full of strangers and do a stand-up bit of sorts. Everyone would fall in love with me and I'd thank Mrs. Liquid Courage for my star-like quality.My Instagram would flood with #aboutlastnight photos and strangers from the night would hit me up on Facebook the morning after.

I don't know when I got over the whole thing. I don't know when I realized that it doesn't really do anything more me. But as I type this I can't help but wonder if the realization came to me, or did the parties stop happening.

I've always known a lot of people in varying capacities of intimacy. Some probably got busy, some probably I lost on the way, some probably just didn't do it for me anymore, some probably started exploring ewer interests that didn't excite me and some probably started hating me. Maybe it was the lack of parties that forced me to prefer staying in.

I'm sitting here on a Saturday night with a glass of whisky by my side while my roommates are out for a Diwali party, trying to resume this blog, And I actually don't mind that.

When did we get here?

Old-age, is that you?

One of my closest friends was in town and she asked this girl if she got along with this other guy she wanted to have lunch with, so that all three of them could hang out. The girl said most nonchalantly "It's not about getting along, everyone can get along... but what's the point if I don't have fun?"

That's that, I guess. I stopped having fun.

And what a tragedy that is.