Haircuts and Other Cravings.

Pearls of Wisdom :

• When you go to get your hair cut really short and come back home with the feeling that it is not short enough from the back, cutting it yourself is not the best call. Ya. So it took me a very long time but I have managed to even it out now. Almost, anyway. A mother who is not supporting of your actions and is all "I will not even it out- take responsibility for your actions" isn't exactly a ray of hope.
• When you are faced with the evil (read: Examinations!), you must, consciously, avoid eating. You end up realizing that not only have you not studied jack-shit for the exam, you have also ended up eating (and subsequently looking) like a pig. Really.
• When you are a self-proclaimed chocolate and milk hater and you suddenly find these urges in your body that crave for chocolate cake or Oreo shake, you know food is all you're thinking about; Doomsday. Pig! Pig!
• When you realize that the bag you're using for the past two weeks was given to you by someone who hit you and you continue to use it out of sheer laziness, you must know that there isn't an ounce of dignity or integrity that can be found in you.
• When you continue to believe Bob after the one million and one times you've been let down, you are possessed.
• When you plan parties and look forward to all things beautiful that're going to happen post the damn exams, you realize how much importance you attach to them.
• When you get sick to your stomach because you're trying so hard to make conversation with someone that you think matters, words don't flow.
• When you just can't get your best friend to meet you, your trying over and over won't help. In all probability, she is over you, anyway! Sigh. YES! I AM TALKING TO YOU@
• When your toes hurt three days into the new year, your resolution to not wear high heels this New year's eve is going to fail.
• When you know that the major reason behind your life sucking a few years back was math, it's true. I have never encountered anything more depressing or taxing. I am just glad it's out of my life for a little over two years,now.
• When you paint your nails green the night before the exam, the examiner might not be too appreciative of it.
• When you think it might be funny to tell your otherwise-jolly-mum "How hard can it be? You did it! Hahahaha", the humor might not be reciprocated. At all.
• When you're gonnnneeeeeee... Ya! I was just trying to stick to the "when you" theme I got going on here. Also, you must never feel guilty of the fact that songs by Avril Lavigne still make sense to you and Britney Spears was/is Goddess type of person.. It's Britney Bitch! :P

,,,

You know how there are some things that no one tells you but you learn anyway?

And miles to go before I sleep

"Happy New Year!"- A bit harsh, don't you think?

How can anyone possibly hope/wish that the coming 365 days of anyone's life be "happy". Sure it's going to have the "happy" but also the 'sad' with so much more. Let's just say, "Survive The Year", shall we?

Yes! I seem to be at my cynical best and an absolute joy to be around!

No! The 'slap' hasn't stopped haunting me just yet.

Yes! I have come with ways of getting over it.

No! They don't seem to be making much sense to anyone but me.

I genuinely believe that a haircut will make me happy! I don't understand how no one else gets it!

Coco Chanel once said, "A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life". It's not like the quote is the reason for the decision but it totally goes on to justify it. It's comforting and consoling. More so, when the hand that hit you really hard liked to play with the ends of the hair every now and then. I am getting them really short. If I get up before noon tomorrow, then tomorrow morning.

Next, I am getting a tattoo. Probably next month. Forearm or Ankle?

I have never really been a 'tattoo person', per se, but this is something I need to do. It's disgusting to live with the knowledge that the maximum physical pain I have ever felt is courtesy a non entity. Hence, the tattoo. I am getting high and going for it the next time I have enough cash.

It's going to be a star(or two) and with that, I want inscribed, "miles to go". 

The almost two decades of my existence have seen growing evidence of my fascination with the stars. It may sound really bookish but I want star(s) on my body because it's going to be like my little piece of sky, however small. I love stars. They shine, are far off, move, tell tales, pretty, the works!

The "miles to go" is part of the famous quote "And miles to go before I sleep..". It's an excerpt from "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost. I remember reading this and "The Road Not Taken" (by the same poet) back in the fifth grade, for the first time. Over the years I have read them over and over and no piece of poetry has garnered as much appreciation, attention and love from me. They make perfect sense. Even with the growing years and changing perspectives, they always make perfect sense.

There was an entire phase with "The Brook" by Alfred Tennyson and what has stayed with me still is the part that goes "for men may come and men may go, but I go on forever". This was a serious consideration with respect to having it on my body. However, couldn't overlook the dripping sexual connotations to it and also what it might look like to anyone who isn't aware of the poem.

So ya. That's that.

New Year's Eve was a hell of a crazy night, like always! Alcohol and high heels do not go! I woke up with the growing knowledge of a lot of body parts to whose existence I was oblivious, until they started hurting like fuck, the next morning. My Internal Exams start from the 4th of this month and I am as prepared to take them as I was the first day of the session. I don't know why I must bother about them, anyway! I see doomsday ahead.

The year gone by had it's share of good and mad.

It's 2011 now;

New Year,

New Beginnings,

Surviving...

Same Old Shit!

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I want to mention JAYA in this post 

• because he is awesome and I love him
• "I know (s)he's kind of socially retarded and weird, but (s)he's my friend...so, just promise me you wont make fun of him(her)!" - Mean Girls
• because he think he looks very cool in his newly grown beard.. which he does.. *coughs*
• because I think he needs to know that I have been trying to paint a kickass t-shirt for him since his birthday and have ruined two perfectly normal plain t-shirts, in the process.
• because he must take me around in his car more often
• because I must try and study now

P.S- My profile picture of the blog is a picture clicked by him and I am using it without permission. But I will cook for him and that will make him very very happy, yes? yes.

All the things I know right now, If I only knew back then

The swelling is gone.
The pain remains. The bone right under the eye? That's the spot!

It's hard to function through the day without flashes of yesterday.
My phone's been off for most of it to avoid the calls.
I am dazed, still.
This shall pass.
It has to.

I put makeup today. I do it every time I need a 'pick me up'. Did NOT work.
Still dazed.
I haven't smiled in a while.

Shit! I just realized I haven't eaten anything! ...
...Ate. Not working.
Still dazed.

I think I will get back on Facebook. I breed on exaggerated, however fake, attention.
If people are going to hit me around anyway, I might as well enjoy my share of cheap thrills.
Yes. I am very very lame like that!
And very very pained right now.

It's embarrassing to talk about.
It's too hard to let out.
I am the strong one! Why the fuck is this so hard, man?!!!

It's crazy.
Next post is not going to be about this.
Next thought is not going to be about this.
No, I am not cutting my hair over this.
No, I am not going to 'drown my sorrows' in drinking ( I hate that phrase anyway!)

With a clear head, minus intoxications of any kind, I am getting over this.
Hell! I am over it.

I am back on Facebook.
That's a start?
Yes? No? No?
Okay :|

At least it doesn't show anymore;
doesn't show in the ugly shades of purple.

He hit me today.

Mistakes are not experiences; they're failures.

I have failed.

I took a very long bath. Bathed less, cried more.

I made something up to tell Ma. 

I contemplated cutting my hair really short; it's hard to face self in the mirror; face the failure.
I think I will get a tattoo to outdo the 'pain', per se.

My friends tell me they'll fuck his happiness;

somehow that makes nothing better. It's all so hollow.

I don't need to be told he's a bastard.

I don't need to be told it's okay and I shouldn't waste any tears on him.

I don't need to offered a new perspective.

Not even for a second. It's almost like I want to be hit again to let it all out.

To do it right this time.

To get back at him.

One last dance with Mary Jane. One more time to kill the pain. 

Only, I don't think I will be able to kill it. That't the saddest part.

No. That's not the saddest part.

The saddest part is that it's going to stay forever;
not the swelling, not the pain;

the memory.

Ageless. Priceless.

"It sucks! 

You're too old for your age! 

WHY WON'T YOU ACT YOUR AGE???! aarrgghhh"

"Hariyali!! WHY WON'T YOU ACT YOURS???!!"

-Makes me feel new levels of cool each day. Don't go...  
P.S- I am NOT old for my age!!!

Because.

Because it's embarrassing to tell you not to go because I will miss you
Because I get more than elated when you tell me that you hate to see me go.
Because one of my favourite things to do in life is to sit with you in the car and talk.
Because I never mean to freak you out.
Because I like hugging you a lot.
Because I come in the 'group' things only because I know you'll be dropping me back.
Because my life's greatest fear is that I might drunk-call you someday.
Because my life's greatest tragedy is that I intimidate you.
Because each time you don't call/text/reply, I go into my bubble of self doubt.
Because I like to look at you when you drive.
Because you said my lips are nice, today.
Because I don't get how I make you feel heavy inside.

Because I hope and wish that you'll text tonight.

Because I am not having coffee/chocolate or any of its forms for a month now.

Because you matter.
A lot.

Because there is a reason I don't believe in the apparent Almighty!

There is no God!

It's true.

Never was, never will be.

So I look rather nice in winters, thank you very much. On most days, anyway. My hair behaves, my kajal stays, my 'slimming' clothes and colours do well, my scent is beautiful.. et al. So out of the two and a half months of Delhi winters, I look presentable in at least two, to say the least.

Does Ross meet me everyday? 

No!

But by some twisted humour of God (*rolls eyes*), which is the day that I bump into him? 

Today!

What's special about today? 

My unbelievable shabbiness!

So my mum's salwar with the most unflattering kurta teamed with an old friend's older sweatshirt doesn't exactly add up to 'pretty'. I have always been at more than peace with the way I look, even on my unabashedly ugly days. But not with himmmm!!! Our entire relationship at the present date is based on nothing but major manipulative power plays. It's sad I know. But amidst all our cute talks, cheesiness, talks, hugs, kisses and more; it's all about maintaining the upper hand!

The looking ugly bit isn't that much of a problem with me, really. Until, he says it.

"Why're you dressed like that today? You looked great in the morning! And that sweatshirt makes you look fat!"

So if there were an award for 'Things You Cannot Say To Anyone Ever', he would've won it.

After a very nice half an hour that we spent, he did it again.

"How much have you been smoking? Your lips have become dark!"

 Kill me now!! Was I on drugs when I was with him?? Like, why would he say these things out loud.?

Anyway, we had a great time, like always!

I hate that I love that bloody bastard, still. How long has it been man? Really now!

I hate that he makes all his crap okay the second after its occurrence with the simplest of things! 

Some cute messages, today :) :)

That Bitch!

*Insert almost-pissed-but-also-blushing emoticon here*