Learning... the hard way!

Lately, I am finding out way too many things about myself bit by bit. I have to admit I am not a fan of this development.

I never think about Ross anymore. NEVER.

Except for when I need a pick-me-up.

A little flirting after a tiring day, a little sex pre an exam I am not prepared for, a little mush talk during my period, a little hug when I have a fever.... just that!

He does not pass my mind at all. I have become the epitome of detachment; even for him.

It's unbelievable.

It makes you think how time changes things and people. Change is a funny thing. You never quite know how and when it's happening until one day you look at yourself and wonder how you got here. I am doing some serious looking-at-myself on and off.

Discoveries may not always be pleasant.

The 'getting over', as it were, doesn't make me a bad person I know. It has been a hundred years (to say the least!). 

But the selfish use? That can't be adding brownie points to my karma chart?

But then, what is?

Good Night. 

A Revelation

I like screaming.
I gained awareness of the fact only a few hours ago. Talk about lack of self-knowledge!

I always saw myself as being someone away from violence of any kind. Too scared, really. I hardly lose temper and in the rare occasions I do, I make a joke out of it or switch off for a bit. No dramatic monologues for me. Okay, some dramatic monologues for me; but only in the confines of my private space. Even in the most brutal of confrontations, I have managed to be that girl who very calmly conducts herself with appropriate amounts of meanness and gets her way. As guilty as I may be, I have also resorted to crying sans any(much) noise. The joy of screaming has been very ignored by me, until today.

I felt so light and powerful. This, when I didn't even scream for something important. I wonder how relieving it's going to be when I scream for a real reason. It's underrated and definitely leaves with a sense of empowerment. Anyway, after a pissed off day and dealing with some seriously 'in-need-of-IQ' people, I found solace in the world wide web.Facebook notified me about a certain somebody's post on my wall. It was a post titled 'orange plum, this is for you'. It's then I realized all over again that if there's anything more endearing that screaming, it's a nice gesture when you least expect it.

I like to call her my blog admirer to flatter myself. But more importantly, she is this tiny and extremely engaging little person who I love talking to. I am not big on adding random people on Facebook and/or interacting with (whatever little of) my blog readers outside the realms of blog-space, but I don't know what fateful day it was that I made a little exception and entered her in.
I like her energy and her OCD'd self; it helps me get away from my issues.
She helps me get away from my issues.
And the Universe knows, I have serious issues.

She told me I have an attention span of a 7year old, once. Just how is someone who is at least 83950kms away from supposed to know that? :O

So here's to you Isha Maniar and I would like to end by promising you that I do not intend to scream at you ever; however much  may want to.
Oh! Also, now you better smile so much more than you should!

P.S- For those who might have a PHD in missing the point, 83950 is a hypothetical figure and may be part of a very special phone number.
Mine :P

Sixth Deadly Sin : Envy

The feeling of being a bad person is pissing off.

One has this weird feeling in the tummy and also in the chest that proves to be this constant reminder of the fact that being jealous is wrong. I read this thing by Dante a while ago and it said that envy is the desire to deprive other men of theirs. As harshly as that may have been put, it is not completely wrong. I am resentful right now.

But, in my defense, I am resentful but rightly so.

I am not resentful without reason; I never am. However, I think I should be a little bummed when I see someone else get something that is truly mine in the first place. No, that didn't come out right. I am a very liberal individual usually but this sudden burst of my insecure streak is rather new; even for me. I like my importance in other people's life and it's not like it hurts when I see that shaken. It pisses me off.

I remember this time when the-person-in-question's best friend told me how the-person-in-question's 'circle', as it were, has never been consistent. I totally laughed it off back then, saying 'you've been friends since forever now!'; to which he replied, 'hmm. okay then.' I can't believe it's affecting me this much. I don't mean to be dramatic at all but I can't stop feeling what I am feeling. Blah! So pointless.

The person isn't even that important. Really. And for once, I am not JUST saying it. I just like my attention and people adoring me. It just seems slightly unfair if your position is shaken just like that. Whatever happened to all the obsessing over me a while back? 

You know what's worse?

My replacement is soo much like me! She's the same damn thing doing the same damn things!

The messages, the lingo, the Facebook status tags, the works; only soo much less cooler.

I am such a piece of work man and I am getting way too lame for my liking!

Yes, I thrive on attention! From people that matter and those who don't.

I need to make more conversations with people. Like REAL conversations. I love long conversations. Even the most nonsensical ones subsequently makeperfect sense by the end of it. I think too much socializing is coming in the way of mental peace and sanity. Oh! But there's the catch : I am way too insecure and will never stop meeting one million and one people in my fear of losing the 'social butterfly' tag.

Arrrgghhhh!!!! You know how I should feel happy when people tell me I am not shallow? I don't. 

I don't because in my heart I know that even though I am not shallow, I am super hollow.

I think that's worse.

Hating.Self.Right.Now.
A.Lot.

Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

This might sound almost like a 'thank you' speech straight out of a Film Award Night, but I truly genuinely believe that way too many things and way too many people have had super huge impacts on me. To single anyone of them out as the 'biggest' seem rather unfair!
So here goes.
(I will try and put them in the order of their entries in my life)

Caution: This is going to be ratherrrrrrrrrrrrr long!

Fact: I am not really a picture collector, per se. 

Assumption: That the 'impact' being dealt here is not necessarily positive.

A lot of people and things have made an impact on my life. Each one of them make me the person I am today. It may be of no consequence to anyone else on the planet but hey! it's my blog. So suck it, you!

1. Mum. 

I think this is self explanatory. I don't think anyone can ever hate their moms. Maybe it's possible. I, for one, take my identity from her. There are times when she makes me pull my hair and I drive her up the wall; but her impact on my existence is unquestionable. There are no claims of being 'best friends' here, but I love her to death. Always have, always will. 

2.Father.

Some things shouldn't be dwelled into too much. At all. Period.

3. Mana Uncle.

My parents' friend. He is the coolest and the oldest bachelor I know. At a-little more-than-slightly-over-60, you're the one with the heart. If there ever is one person I aspire to grow up to become like, it's got to be him. It hurts me to see him be so ill now. He's special. He taught me the meaning of life, as it were.

4. Rocky.

I feel umpteen amounts of cool when parts of Elegy remind me of us. You, Sir, are a genius. Have learnt so much more from you than I can ever thank you for.

5. Sadhna Ma'am.
I learnt Kuchipudi from her as a kid. She made me find the love for dancing from within me. I will always be indebted to her.

6. Writing.
Being in a Convent system of education, one's love and flair for writing is always encouraged. I think it's brilliant; this ability and will to write.

7.Ryan.
My first best friend, first 'boyfriend' and the first death I have ever had to encounter. RIP, you. The guy looks so much like you, it is disturbing. If there is a 'god', he better be taking kickass care of you.

8. Ross.
The one and the only. Forever. Almost.
The good, the bad, the ugly; been there, done all that!

9. Cigarettes
"There's always one addiction that just cannot be controlled."
It helps me think, really. I was ashamed of this discovery in the beginning, yes. But thinking is important.

10. Mrs. Matthews.
I don't think any teacher has meant that much. Ever. Amidst all her case-taking, witty liners and amusing faces, I know she cares a hell lot for me and expects even more out of me. I strive to not disappoint her. I do.

11. Bollywood
As corny as it may sound, but I am all 'Helloooo Bollyyyywoood!!'. I have grown up watching all things Bollywood and my fascination is constant, if not growing. I love everything about it.

12. Rains and Winters.
Both the seasons have witnessed some of my major life changing moments. They're surreal for sure. I like the touch of the rain; almost as much as human touch. Winters are too pretty for me to bind them in words.

13. 10th grade Math and Science tuition at Madhuri Ma'am's.
Eventful Year. Sigh :')

14. F.R.I.E.N.D.S (the sitcom)
I live it all through each one of them. Enough said.

15. School.
Seen me laugh, cry, fight, crib, play, get suspended and so much more.

16. Preeto
As different as chalk and cheese
But just like pods in peas
Ooo.. Looks like I am a poet
And we didn't even know it!

Oho! I am on a roll now :P

This is the closest I am going to get to actually telling her that I think she's pretty cool and that her influence in my life is beyond what she may give herself credit for.

17. Trishi
It's so weird how sometimes you've people around you who think and feel exactly like you but you happen to acknowledge them so late in life. Maybe it's all about the moment, after all. She is THE mother and The husband. Err.. yes. We're twisted like that. Thank you for watching my back in every possible way.

18. Palak and Astha
They bring out the 'mother' in me, really. They're my little babies. That sounds so wrong! Anyway, I don't think I am as protective about anyone else as I am about them. It physically hurts me to see them in pain of any kind.
Love you Palak.
Love you Astha.

19. Delhi
I can't believe I was almost going to miss this out in the list.
The City Is The Love. It is beautiful in more ways than one. Must write a post about it. Soon. A true 'Dilliwalah' and proudly so; there's a reason it's the capital of the nation over the other states.

20. College.
I think it is in college that you really receive an education. It doesn't remain bookish anymore. It's a whole new feeling and it makes you a whole new person with whole new perspectives. Also, the bus rides in my first year of college established for me that all men ever want to do is grab your ass in the sneakiest of ways.

21. Niharika
<3. I don't know what I would do without her. It gives me the chills just thinking about it.


22. The colour black
It says 'Notice. But don't intrude'. I love it. I am naturally drawn to all things black.


This has gone completely different than what I had intended it to be.
Nevertheless, in true Eminem style, "To the people I forgot to thank, u weren't on my mind for some reason & u probably don't deserve any thanks anyway."

BY THE WAY

Just for the record,  there have been a few changes in the decided tattoo and the made tattoo.

It says "miles to go before i sleep"

And instead of the star, it's a little peace symbol.

That'd be all :)

Survival.

I got inked today :)

I still maintain that the most negative aspect of getting a permanent tattoo is, ironically, it's permanence. One can't hate or love anything or anyone forever. 'Forever' is intimidating.

Anyway,
Tattoo-making hurts like hell, yes.
But it makes you realize how pain is serene.

Like they say, "pain is temporary, pride is forever"

I don't know about the 'pride' bit yet, but the pain is going away.
The pain from today and that day.

Still gives me the chill though.
But I'll live :)

Even though it's anonymous, it's still ominous

Anonymity could easily be a virtue.

I understand how one might think it is a sign of lack of courage. But let's face it! Who is that brave, anyway? Haven't we all, at some point or the other, wanted out?
Don't most people have the power of invisibility as one of their (hypothetical) three wishes?
I think anonymity is a weapon, really. I get how it's ethic may be questioned based on how one might want to hold  a point of view and yet have nothing to do with it but I think everyone does it every once in a while. The good old "Don't tell her/him I told you, okay?" is nothing but a tiny quest towards anonymity. Plus, there are those things that you want to tell people; special people; but you can't because it is too much of a truth. Wouldn't you love for you to be able to say it to them, without them knowing you did? Of course you would.

Think about this : Choosing not to be anonymous makes one just as much of a 'liar/fake' as never having it in one to say what one feels, because one has to use one's identity.

I like this concept of 'identity-crisis' sometimes. Well, I like it when it is not a 'crisis', per se. I think it would be pretty cool to go name-less and identity-less every once in a while, if not all the time. In 'Through the Looking Glass' by Lewis Caroll, (which is a sequel to Alice In Wonderland, by the way), Alice reaches the 'Wood without names' and finds love in a Fawn. I think it's beautiful how they fall in love regardless of their lack of names. It makes one wonder of the metaphoric value here. The lack of names, labels etc make for good co-existence. It's only when they step out of the wood do they become aware of their differences, courtesy their gaining back of names.

I know I am transgressing. I am just soo dreamy right now.

I would like to believe that my blog is fairly anonymous; though I happen to go to and fro on that stand.

Anyway, I think being anonymous is pretty cool. And though I am an extremist when it comes to honesty and its essentiality , I think 'anonymity' paves way for a broader spectrum of points of view, as it were. It is just as valuable a thought, if not more. I understand how people might take undue advantage of the privilege; nevertheless, it's impact, power and influence shouldn't be underrated or underestimated.
I am reminded of this quote I read somewhere. I think it was by some Professor in some University.
It goes:

"Even though it's anonymous, it's still ominous."

Very sleepy now.
I know I hardly make sense anyway; more so when half asleep.
Good Night.

P.S: I think it's only fair that I include a little 'shout-out' to SHE. :) You make me smile too much.