Sixth Deadly Sin : Envy

The feeling of being a bad person is pissing off.

One has this weird feeling in the tummy and also in the chest that proves to be this constant reminder of the fact that being jealous is wrong. I read this thing by Dante a while ago and it said that envy is the desire to deprive other men of theirs. As harshly as that may have been put, it is not completely wrong. I am resentful right now.

But, in my defense, I am resentful but rightly so.

I am not resentful without reason; I never am. However, I think I should be a little bummed when I see someone else get something that is truly mine in the first place. No, that didn't come out right. I am a very liberal individual usually but this sudden burst of my insecure streak is rather new; even for me. I like my importance in other people's life and it's not like it hurts when I see that shaken. It pisses me off.

I remember this time when the-person-in-question's best friend told me how the-person-in-question's 'circle', as it were, has never been consistent. I totally laughed it off back then, saying 'you've been friends since forever now!'; to which he replied, 'hmm. okay then.' I can't believe it's affecting me this much. I don't mean to be dramatic at all but I can't stop feeling what I am feeling. Blah! So pointless.

The person isn't even that important. Really. And for once, I am not JUST saying it. I just like my attention and people adoring me. It just seems slightly unfair if your position is shaken just like that. Whatever happened to all the obsessing over me a while back? 

You know what's worse?

My replacement is soo much like me! She's the same damn thing doing the same damn things!

The messages, the lingo, the Facebook status tags, the works; only soo much less cooler.

I am such a piece of work man and I am getting way too lame for my liking!

Yes, I thrive on attention! From people that matter and those who don't.

I need to make more conversations with people. Like REAL conversations. I love long conversations. Even the most nonsensical ones subsequently makeperfect sense by the end of it. I think too much socializing is coming in the way of mental peace and sanity. Oh! But there's the catch : I am way too insecure and will never stop meeting one million and one people in my fear of losing the 'social butterfly' tag.

Arrrgghhhh!!!! You know how I should feel happy when people tell me I am not shallow? I don't. 

I don't because in my heart I know that even though I am not shallow, I am super hollow.

I think that's worse.

Hating.Self.Right.Now.
A.Lot.

Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

This might sound almost like a 'thank you' speech straight out of a Film Award Night, but I truly genuinely believe that way too many things and way too many people have had super huge impacts on me. To single anyone of them out as the 'biggest' seem rather unfair!
So here goes.
(I will try and put them in the order of their entries in my life)

Caution: This is going to be ratherrrrrrrrrrrrr long!

Fact: I am not really a picture collector, per se. 

Assumption: That the 'impact' being dealt here is not necessarily positive.

A lot of people and things have made an impact on my life. Each one of them make me the person I am today. It may be of no consequence to anyone else on the planet but hey! it's my blog. So suck it, you!

1. Mum. 

I think this is self explanatory. I don't think anyone can ever hate their moms. Maybe it's possible. I, for one, take my identity from her. There are times when she makes me pull my hair and I drive her up the wall; but her impact on my existence is unquestionable. There are no claims of being 'best friends' here, but I love her to death. Always have, always will. 

2.Father.

Some things shouldn't be dwelled into too much. At all. Period.

3. Mana Uncle.

My parents' friend. He is the coolest and the oldest bachelor I know. At a-little more-than-slightly-over-60, you're the one with the heart. If there ever is one person I aspire to grow up to become like, it's got to be him. It hurts me to see him be so ill now. He's special. He taught me the meaning of life, as it were.

4. Rocky.

I feel umpteen amounts of cool when parts of Elegy remind me of us. You, Sir, are a genius. Have learnt so much more from you than I can ever thank you for.

5. Sadhna Ma'am.
I learnt Kuchipudi from her as a kid. She made me find the love for dancing from within me. I will always be indebted to her.

6. Writing.
Being in a Convent system of education, one's love and flair for writing is always encouraged. I think it's brilliant; this ability and will to write.

7.Ryan.
My first best friend, first 'boyfriend' and the first death I have ever had to encounter. RIP, you. The guy looks so much like you, it is disturbing. If there is a 'god', he better be taking kickass care of you.

8. Ross.
The one and the only. Forever. Almost.
The good, the bad, the ugly; been there, done all that!

9. Cigarettes
"There's always one addiction that just cannot be controlled."
It helps me think, really. I was ashamed of this discovery in the beginning, yes. But thinking is important.

10. Mrs. Matthews.
I don't think any teacher has meant that much. Ever. Amidst all her case-taking, witty liners and amusing faces, I know she cares a hell lot for me and expects even more out of me. I strive to not disappoint her. I do.

11. Bollywood
As corny as it may sound, but I am all 'Helloooo Bollyyyywoood!!'. I have grown up watching all things Bollywood and my fascination is constant, if not growing. I love everything about it.

12. Rains and Winters.
Both the seasons have witnessed some of my major life changing moments. They're surreal for sure. I like the touch of the rain; almost as much as human touch. Winters are too pretty for me to bind them in words.

13. 10th grade Math and Science tuition at Madhuri Ma'am's.
Eventful Year. Sigh :')

14. F.R.I.E.N.D.S (the sitcom)
I live it all through each one of them. Enough said.

15. School.
Seen me laugh, cry, fight, crib, play, get suspended and so much more.

16. Preeto
As different as chalk and cheese
But just like pods in peas
Ooo.. Looks like I am a poet
And we didn't even know it!

Oho! I am on a roll now :P

This is the closest I am going to get to actually telling her that I think she's pretty cool and that her influence in my life is beyond what she may give herself credit for.

17. Trishi
It's so weird how sometimes you've people around you who think and feel exactly like you but you happen to acknowledge them so late in life. Maybe it's all about the moment, after all. She is THE mother and The husband. Err.. yes. We're twisted like that. Thank you for watching my back in every possible way.

18. Palak and Astha
They bring out the 'mother' in me, really. They're my little babies. That sounds so wrong! Anyway, I don't think I am as protective about anyone else as I am about them. It physically hurts me to see them in pain of any kind.
Love you Palak.
Love you Astha.

19. Delhi
I can't believe I was almost going to miss this out in the list.
The City Is The Love. It is beautiful in more ways than one. Must write a post about it. Soon. A true 'Dilliwalah' and proudly so; there's a reason it's the capital of the nation over the other states.

20. College.
I think it is in college that you really receive an education. It doesn't remain bookish anymore. It's a whole new feeling and it makes you a whole new person with whole new perspectives. Also, the bus rides in my first year of college established for me that all men ever want to do is grab your ass in the sneakiest of ways.

21. Niharika
<3. I don't know what I would do without her. It gives me the chills just thinking about it.


22. The colour black
It says 'Notice. But don't intrude'. I love it. I am naturally drawn to all things black.


This has gone completely different than what I had intended it to be.
Nevertheless, in true Eminem style, "To the people I forgot to thank, u weren't on my mind for some reason & u probably don't deserve any thanks anyway."

BY THE WAY

Just for the record,  there have been a few changes in the decided tattoo and the made tattoo.

It says "miles to go before i sleep"

And instead of the star, it's a little peace symbol.

That'd be all :)

Survival.

I got inked today :)

I still maintain that the most negative aspect of getting a permanent tattoo is, ironically, it's permanence. One can't hate or love anything or anyone forever. 'Forever' is intimidating.

Anyway,
Tattoo-making hurts like hell, yes.
But it makes you realize how pain is serene.

Like they say, "pain is temporary, pride is forever"

I don't know about the 'pride' bit yet, but the pain is going away.
The pain from today and that day.

Still gives me the chill though.
But I'll live :)

Even though it's anonymous, it's still ominous

Anonymity could easily be a virtue.

I understand how one might think it is a sign of lack of courage. But let's face it! Who is that brave, anyway? Haven't we all, at some point or the other, wanted out?
Don't most people have the power of invisibility as one of their (hypothetical) three wishes?
I think anonymity is a weapon, really. I get how it's ethic may be questioned based on how one might want to hold  a point of view and yet have nothing to do with it but I think everyone does it every once in a while. The good old "Don't tell her/him I told you, okay?" is nothing but a tiny quest towards anonymity. Plus, there are those things that you want to tell people; special people; but you can't because it is too much of a truth. Wouldn't you love for you to be able to say it to them, without them knowing you did? Of course you would.

Think about this : Choosing not to be anonymous makes one just as much of a 'liar/fake' as never having it in one to say what one feels, because one has to use one's identity.

I like this concept of 'identity-crisis' sometimes. Well, I like it when it is not a 'crisis', per se. I think it would be pretty cool to go name-less and identity-less every once in a while, if not all the time. In 'Through the Looking Glass' by Lewis Caroll, (which is a sequel to Alice In Wonderland, by the way), Alice reaches the 'Wood without names' and finds love in a Fawn. I think it's beautiful how they fall in love regardless of their lack of names. It makes one wonder of the metaphoric value here. The lack of names, labels etc make for good co-existence. It's only when they step out of the wood do they become aware of their differences, courtesy their gaining back of names.

I know I am transgressing. I am just soo dreamy right now.

I would like to believe that my blog is fairly anonymous; though I happen to go to and fro on that stand.

Anyway, I think being anonymous is pretty cool. And though I am an extremist when it comes to honesty and its essentiality , I think 'anonymity' paves way for a broader spectrum of points of view, as it were. It is just as valuable a thought, if not more. I understand how people might take undue advantage of the privilege; nevertheless, it's impact, power and influence shouldn't be underrated or underestimated.
I am reminded of this quote I read somewhere. I think it was by some Professor in some University.
It goes:

"Even though it's anonymous, it's still ominous."

Very sleepy now.
I know I hardly make sense anyway; more so when half asleep.
Good Night.

P.S: I think it's only fair that I include a little 'shout-out' to SHE. :) You make me smile too much.

Starry Nights.

GET THIS.


This entire hoopla around the New Changed Zodiacs, true or not, is definitely bugging.
I am not a big believer or understander of Astrology, as it were. But I have taken fragments (if not all) of my identity from my sun sign Libra. To change from that to be a Virgo suddenly is beyond comprehension. Isn't the topic of Astrology a little like that of weather? It's a conversation starter.
"What's your sun sign?"
"Lib...err...Virgo! I guess!"
It's going to be rather awkward.


However, if you come to think of it what if this is the beginning of the end, as it were? The whole realignment of the Sun and the Earth; what if this is part of the whole 2012 end-of-the-world? I am a believer of the possibility of 2012, yes. 


Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16. 
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11. 
Pisces: March 11-April 18. 
Aries: April 18-May 13. 
Taurus: May 13-June 21. 
Gemini: June 21-July 20. 
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10. 
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30. 
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29. 
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17.  (Yep, this one is new)
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.


I have always liked my star sign. I have always thought I fit the bill in terms of characteristics, traits and all that jazz. Now Virgo just seems painful and boring! Yawn.


I just never thought anything like this would affect me, however minutely. 
I feel like I am facing a like of an identity crisis here. 
Yes. Sometimes I exaggerate.
Most times I don't.
Do the math.

I found it hard, it's hard to find. Oh well, whatever, never mind...

This entire 'game', as it were, was so much more easier only a few years back.


Things were easier to end. They didn't matter as much.
If the guy called it quits; she would cry, friends would help, he would 'become' a bastard.
If the girl called it quits; he would abuse, friends would help, she would 'become' a slut.
It really was as simple.


Today, however, things are not the same. There'e so much emotional effort and taxing politics that goes into it.  One's never quite there. It's strange but true. One's either trying and getting into a relationship or getting out of one. The 'in a relationship' seldom occurs. Call me cynical, if you will, but maybe it's a the generation and it's big baggage full of a hell lot of crap that smells of commitment issues. But honestly, it's like nothing is permanent. I hardly know happy 'parents', you know? But then is that really a bad thing?? Nothing is permanent; not even the happiness in other people's lives. How ever bitchy/nasty, it isn't completely false.


I really have very vague memories of  the last time I was 'going out'. Ah! The lousiness of the term makes me nauseous. Anyway, when exactly do you start to 'go out'? When exactly are you friends enough to be in a monogamous relationship? When exactly do you start sharing too good a friendship and hence rule out the possibility? 
Vague memories. Forgotten reminiscence. 


The idea of 'The One' is obviously a freaking utopia. But even on realistic benchmarks, the build up is hard at the moment. There's no right landing.
There's Mr.Right and Mr.Right Now.
The former is not in sight. It makes you wonder, hence, if the latter is worth it at all?


Like Trishi put it just right in one of our million moments of enlightenment: 
'Either you are in a relationship since d past 10,000 years.. Or u are never getting into one !! Universal Truth!'


Maybe the rules are changing. Also, the priorities. 
More importantly, the needs.
Most importantly, the realities!

Song of the moment : Smells Like Teen Spirit- Nirvana.
No. It has nothing to do with the post.

Day 06 - A letter to someone who has hurt you.

Hmm.

I don't do those anymore.They're so much more painful than what you feel when you're actually hurting.

Nevertheless, I think I would just like to say that I tried to think of a pretty and poetic way to say 'fuck you'; but I couldn't. 

So, Fuck You!

That'd be all.

Thank You!

P.S- I think the fact that you should burn in hell is a given, so I don't need to mention it here.

You smell like sweet red plums and grilled chesse sandwiches.

I like how the sense of smell was/is a running theme for us since forever.

"I like it when I smell of you."
"I hate it that you don't smell of me anymore."
"Remember how you used to like smelling of me?"
"You know when you hug me like that, I smell your hair."


We have said this and so much more to each other so many times.
Things have changed. You have changed. I know I have too.
But still,
you smell like sweet red plums and grilled cheese sandwich.


Remember how 'The Wedding Planner' was our movie because we tripped so much on this dialogue?

It's 'Lohri' today.
It was 'Lohri' that day.
It's funny how not much has changed; except that I was rather pleased with myself today, anyway.

The winters are getting less chilly now. It was easily 19 degrees today! :P

We should hug a lot more often.
Leaves me smiling for a very very very long time :) :) :)

I do not PMS

I just have this weird feeling of wanting to type in Italics. Italics is underrated, isn't it? It makes the world so pretty. Oh! And cursive handwriting in italics. Bliss.


I've always had a thing for good handwriting. It is such a turn on. Would you rather have someone with good handwriting tell you that he likes you simply or 

Let us, for the purposes of amusement, keep aside the sheer cheesiness of what is written. But the handwriting? How can anyone assume that they would ever be taken seriously if what they wanted to put across was written in that handwriting. Anyway, you know what I am fearing the most right now? 

That the guy who wrote this was to ever read my blog. He isn't too much of a reader, though. And we're 'almost friends' so it could also be a joke. 

Only, it's not.

Oh! Just for the record, it is not by a guy who has just hit puberty. A grown male of about 20years of existence behind him is the creator of this. 

Yes. I don't think it's funny either.

Anyway, my tattoo thing is happening, by all means, by the 20th of this month. I see how my policy, as it were, of 'let's get this over with' has managed to get me a looong looong way since the time of my first breath. I might be dead by then though, you know? Because of anticipating the pain.

Oh. And I was told yesterday that I PMS.  I do not!

I, most definitely, do not.

I almost took offence.

Also, my period for this month is OvUrrrrrrrrrr. I usually do not celebrate the event. But this time it was particularly bad and painful. SO ya.

Speaking of  OvUrrrrrrrrrr, my University Exams finish tomorrow. Needless to say, I am not prepared. In my defense, being a literature student makes me, by default, look down upon the likes of History and Sociology (my credit courses). For someone who did not particularly sweat it over the main papers, it would be a shame if I were to pay any attention to the subsidiary papers. So after the damn paper, we're going to celebrate at this super dingy 'rest-o-bar' place near where I stay. I am soo excited. It is our new 'discovery', as it were. 

Dingy, cheap booze, great food! It is a broke's paradise for a day out, if you ask me. If only they had a smoking zone. Sigh.

The day a girl can smoke on the streets of Delhi without everyone (not only looking but dropping their work and) staring at her, I would know the society has evolved; resolving prejudices. Plus it would make me really really happy. The other night, I made Jaya hold a lit cigarette in his hand while I smoked the one in mine, just to reduce the volumes of the staring as we smoked at night in a shady park. It only struck me later that 'girl-smoking-with-a-guy-at-night' doesn't exactly add up to 'ideal' either.

I am down with a cold too. This might be a problem because I see my drinking plans, in the shady place tomorrow, stand slightly sabotaged, if the condition persists. Being born to doctor parents, your health is least priority, contrary to popular belief. Hence, I am popping some pills that catch my eye. 

Medically Prescriptive? Unsure.

But I don't think it's fun any other way.

I am guessing this post has gone way ahead as compared to the word limit of my other posts. Hence, I shall conclude saying that after exams I am cooking a lot and drinking a lot.

Also, shopping till I am dropping.. almost!

That's the plan.

P.S- Sometimes I think 'spooning' is overrated. Yet, sometimes it's not. Mostly it is, though.

Okay. Bye.

Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.

Goa.
January, 2010.

I really haven't been to too many places.
I hate travelling. I don't see the point!
But Goa was something.
Five days. Girlfriends. Vodka. Smokes ( I feel the need to mention Godang Garam here). Music. Beach. Chicken. Dance. AWESOME!!
Maybe we should go end of year, Peeeeto? Sunburn?

Also, I am over Vodka for a while now. Rum and Coke is my new poison.

Anyway, Delhi is the shit! I love Delhi and everything about it.
The people, the places, the food... oh! The Food!!
Everyone should just come to Delhi and be here forever.
But I have to have to-have  to-have to go to Mumbai. Soon.
And Pune.
And Leh-Ladakh.

Oh! The picture is at Colva Beach, Goa. And that distant, tiny person is me.
Being tall is overrated, man!

Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn't have?

Procrastination.

If procrastination had an ambassador, I would be very very rich by now.

It's unreal. I just keep putting off things and do them only when absolutely necessary; sometimes not even then. It isn't cool. Especially if one of your other vices is that of being fickle-minded. Lack of focus and procrastination is fatal. FATAL!

I am trying to get to study.
Since the fucking morning! It is 6.40pm right now!
An exam tomorrow afternoon.
Fun
^ And this is just ONE instance of it. It's not even a habit, per se; some people may even call it a lifestyle.

A habit that I wish I didn't have? Procrastination. Definitely.

Haircuts and Other Cravings.

Pearls of Wisdom :

• When you go to get your hair cut really short and come back home with the feeling that it is not short enough from the back, cutting it yourself is not the best call. Ya. So it took me a very long time but I have managed to even it out now. Almost, anyway. A mother who is not supporting of your actions and is all "I will not even it out- take responsibility for your actions" isn't exactly a ray of hope.
• When you are faced with the evil (read: Examinations!), you must, consciously, avoid eating. You end up realizing that not only have you not studied jack-shit for the exam, you have also ended up eating (and subsequently looking) like a pig. Really.
• When you are a self-proclaimed chocolate and milk hater and you suddenly find these urges in your body that crave for chocolate cake or Oreo shake, you know food is all you're thinking about; Doomsday. Pig! Pig!
• When you realize that the bag you're using for the past two weeks was given to you by someone who hit you and you continue to use it out of sheer laziness, you must know that there isn't an ounce of dignity or integrity that can be found in you.
• When you continue to believe Bob after the one million and one times you've been let down, you are possessed.
• When you plan parties and look forward to all things beautiful that're going to happen post the damn exams, you realize how much importance you attach to them.
• When you get sick to your stomach because you're trying so hard to make conversation with someone that you think matters, words don't flow.
• When you just can't get your best friend to meet you, your trying over and over won't help. In all probability, she is over you, anyway! Sigh. YES! I AM TALKING TO YOU@
• When your toes hurt three days into the new year, your resolution to not wear high heels this New year's eve is going to fail.
• When you know that the major reason behind your life sucking a few years back was math, it's true. I have never encountered anything more depressing or taxing. I am just glad it's out of my life for a little over two years,now.
• When you paint your nails green the night before the exam, the examiner might not be too appreciative of it.
• When you think it might be funny to tell your otherwise-jolly-mum "How hard can it be? You did it! Hahahaha", the humor might not be reciprocated. At all.
• When you're gonnnneeeeeee... Ya! I was just trying to stick to the "when you" theme I got going on here. Also, you must never feel guilty of the fact that songs by Avril Lavigne still make sense to you and Britney Spears was/is Goddess type of person.. It's Britney Bitch! :P

,,,

You know how there are some things that no one tells you but you learn anyway?

And miles to go before I sleep

"Happy New Year!"- A bit harsh, don't you think?

How can anyone possibly hope/wish that the coming 365 days of anyone's life be "happy". Sure it's going to have the "happy" but also the 'sad' with so much more. Let's just say, "Survive The Year", shall we?

Yes! I seem to be at my cynical best and an absolute joy to be around!

No! The 'slap' hasn't stopped haunting me just yet.

Yes! I have come with ways of getting over it.

No! They don't seem to be making much sense to anyone but me.

I genuinely believe that a haircut will make me happy! I don't understand how no one else gets it!

Coco Chanel once said, "A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life". It's not like the quote is the reason for the decision but it totally goes on to justify it. It's comforting and consoling. More so, when the hand that hit you really hard liked to play with the ends of the hair every now and then. I am getting them really short. If I get up before noon tomorrow, then tomorrow morning.

Next, I am getting a tattoo. Probably next month. Forearm or Ankle?

I have never really been a 'tattoo person', per se, but this is something I need to do. It's disgusting to live with the knowledge that the maximum physical pain I have ever felt is courtesy a non entity. Hence, the tattoo. I am getting high and going for it the next time I have enough cash.

It's going to be a star(or two) and with that, I want inscribed, "miles to go". 

The almost two decades of my existence have seen growing evidence of my fascination with the stars. It may sound really bookish but I want star(s) on my body because it's going to be like my little piece of sky, however small. I love stars. They shine, are far off, move, tell tales, pretty, the works!

The "miles to go" is part of the famous quote "And miles to go before I sleep..". It's an excerpt from "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost. I remember reading this and "The Road Not Taken" (by the same poet) back in the fifth grade, for the first time. Over the years I have read them over and over and no piece of poetry has garnered as much appreciation, attention and love from me. They make perfect sense. Even with the growing years and changing perspectives, they always make perfect sense.

There was an entire phase with "The Brook" by Alfred Tennyson and what has stayed with me still is the part that goes "for men may come and men may go, but I go on forever". This was a serious consideration with respect to having it on my body. However, couldn't overlook the dripping sexual connotations to it and also what it might look like to anyone who isn't aware of the poem.

So ya. That's that.

New Year's Eve was a hell of a crazy night, like always! Alcohol and high heels do not go! I woke up with the growing knowledge of a lot of body parts to whose existence I was oblivious, until they started hurting like fuck, the next morning. My Internal Exams start from the 4th of this month and I am as prepared to take them as I was the first day of the session. I don't know why I must bother about them, anyway! I see doomsday ahead.

The year gone by had it's share of good and mad.

It's 2011 now;

New Year,

New Beginnings,

Surviving...

Same Old Shit!

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I want to mention JAYA in this post 

• because he is awesome and I love him
• "I know (s)he's kind of socially retarded and weird, but (s)he's my friend...so, just promise me you wont make fun of him(her)!" - Mean Girls
• because he think he looks very cool in his newly grown beard.. which he does.. *coughs*
• because I think he needs to know that I have been trying to paint a kickass t-shirt for him since his birthday and have ruined two perfectly normal plain t-shirts, in the process.
• because he must take me around in his car more often
• because I must try and study now

P.S- My profile picture of the blog is a picture clicked by him and I am using it without permission. But I will cook for him and that will make him very very happy, yes? yes.